Rewrite the Ending
by huddysmyvicodin
Summary: Lily has just been attacked by Jack Bass and is trying to pick up the pieces with Rufus by her side. Loosely constructed off of the episode "You've Got Yale" and subsequent season two episodes. Rated M for the sensitive nature of this story. Rufus/Lily. Requested by the readers, so I hope you guys are happy with this. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: After careful consideration, I have decided to attempt to write this requested piece. I'm not exactly sure what I am doing here, but I am going to try my best. This story deals with what some people find to be very sensitive subject matter, so I will give you my fair warning before you start reading. I strive for accuracy, but I might fall short in some areas so please excuse me. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, **_**Gossip Girl **_**belongs to its respective owners and so do some lines taken from episode 2x16.**

**Chapter One**

He can't find her anywhere. Try as he might, Rufus can't seem to locate Lily. They split apart at the intermission, with Lily saying that she had to use the bathroom. That was almost ten minutes ago, she should have been back by now. He is thinking that she probably got looped into a conversation about the opera or berated because she brought him into her society circle without permission.

Rufus spots Dan through the throngs of people and sighs when he realizes that neither Lily nor Serena is with him. He races to catch up with Dan, matching his son's strides.

"I just had a full conversation with this opera goer about _The Magic Flute _and he pretended that it was exactly what he just watched. I am beginning to get these society people; it's all a big game to them, pretending like you know what you are talking about." Rufus pauses to gaze around the lobby of the opera, remembering what he wanted to ask his son about, "Where's Lily?"

"I don't know I haven't seen her all intermission." Dan answers, noticing his father isn't really paying attention to what he is saying because he is too busy scanning the crowd for Lily.

"Keep an eye out for her," Rufus taps Dan's shoulder and strolls away.

She tries to fight him, but she can't. Her screams are muffled by his hand, the other working against her to hike her dress up. Lily is doing everything in her power to get away from Jack Bass, but nothing is working. She can't succumb to him; she won't give him the satisfaction. All she wants is someone to come and save her before it's too late, before Jack can take what he so desperately needs from her.

Dan spots Chuck walking toward him and shelves his distaste for him for a time being. As much as Dan dislikes Chuck Bass, he needs his help for just a moment especially given the fact that even his father, who has been attached to Lily the whole night, can't locate her makes Dan really uneasy.

"Chuck, as much as I hate to ask you anything, have you seen Lily? My dad has been looking for her." Dan fully expects Chuck to give him some snarky comment in response, but is shocked when concern ripples across his face.

"She said she was going to the powder room," Chuck turns his head to look at the line snaking through the lobby, stemming from the door of the powder room, "that was a while ago." Chuck walks away from Dan to go inquire about the locked powder room door. Dan then sees Chuck disappear around the corner. Dan deeply swallows and goes to find Rufus, sensing something wrong about the way Chuck ran off after questioning the lady at the front of the line.

Lily can't get away from Jack, every time she tries to move, he counters it. His hands are roughly barreling down her body, pinching, grabbing and squeezing everything in his site. She whimpers as he pushes her against the mirror, the glass fragmenting into her bare shoulder. Lily tries to slap him, but he catches her wrist and squeezes as he uses the other hand to unzip his pants. She protests as much as she can, but he easily overpowers her. The only thing she can really do is keep struggling, wanting to leave as much of a trace on him as he is on her. She closes her eyes and clamps down on her lip, whimpering when he roughly enters her.

Chuck runs through the lobby, thankfully most people are starting to retake their seats, giving him a clear path. He quickly locates security and begs them to come with him. Chuck has a terrible feeling he knows where Lily is and what his uncle is doing to her. Rufus, Dan and Serena are nowhere to be seen, they are probably off looking for Lily on their own. He convinces security to check out the locked powder room door. They are reluctant at first, but once Chuck mentions rape, they are quick to act.

Security breaks down the door and Chuck comes bursting in, seeing Jack forcibly on top of Lily. He pries his uncle off of his adopted mother, hoping that they got there in time, but they didn't. Chuck doesn't approach Lily; his main focus is on getting his uncle as far away from her as possible. He throws Jack on the couch and punches him across the face. Security finally acts and takes Jack out of the powder room.

"Lily," Chuck says quietly. She shakes her head and closes her eyes so she doesn't have to catalogue the damage Jack has done to her body.

"Get Rufus," she whispers and slinks to the floor, wincing on the way down. Lily doesn't want to be left alone, but she would rather have Rufus see her like this than Chuck.

"Okay, I'll tell security to get Rufus and I will be right outside." Chuck leaves the bathroom; doing everything he can to avoid looking at Lily's blood splattered on the mirror.

Lily can hear Chuck converse with security, telling them to locate Rufus as soon as humanly possible. She feels the blood trickle down her shoulder blade from when Jack slammed her against the mirror, so hard that it broke the glass. Every bone, joint and ligament in her body aches. Her mind is recounting what just happened in painfully detailed flashes while she waits for Rufus to come.

Rufus races to the powder room, seeing Chuck standing outside with security. His eyebrows shoot together; Lily isn't standing out there with them. When security found him, all they said was that they have located Lily. He approaches Chuck whose head is hanging. The door is closed and Rufus looks over his shoulder, wondering where the hell his girlfriend is.

"Chuck, where's Lily?" Rufus asks. The teenager locks eyes with Rufus and shakes his head. "Oh god…what happened to her?"

"It was Jack….he…he…raped her." Rufus puts his hand over his mouth and immediately starts looking around for the bastard that attacked her. No, first things first, he has to see Lily.

"Where is Lily now?" Chuck gestures towards the door and steps aside, letting Rufus enter.

"Why the hell is she still in there by herself?" Rufus growls at Chuck, thinking that the teenager would have the common sense to remove Lily from the scene of the crime.

"She wouldn't leave until she saw you." Rufus mumbles an apology; he redirected his anger at Chuck when it should be at his uncle for what he did to Lily.

"Don't let anyone in here, not even Serena or Dan. Can you call a car? I am going to try and convince Lily to go to the hospital." Chuck nods as Rufus opens the door, softly closing it behind him.

When Rufus steps inside, Lily is sitting against the vanity, staring off into the distance. Her eyes are empty; her face is void of any emotion. Rufus swallows every single curse word in the book when his eyes fall on what he can see of her body. Bruises, scrapes and bite marks overlap one another; her once elegant bun and flawless makeup are smeared and undone. He carefully works his way towards her, watching her recoil further into herself. Rufus backs off and sits down across from her, hating himself for approaching her tentatively, almost as if she is made of glass.

Lily tracks his movements with her eyes, wondering why she is so scared of what he is going to do. It's Rufus, not Jack. Rufus isn't going to hurt her like Jack just did. She needs his comfort, but doesn't know how to ask for it.

"Hi," she begins; her voice barely audible. Rufus stands up and walks over to her, immediately regretting it when he sees her flinch. He plops down beside her, not wanting to touch her in case he causes her anymore pain.

"Hey," He gives her a soothing smile and gingerly tucks back a loose strand of hair that was draping in front of her eyes partly to test her reaction to him. Lily allows him, but carefully watches what he is doing. A solitary tear trickles down Lily's face that she hastily wipes away. Now is not the time to cry, she has to keep her emotions in check for the time being. Rufus leans back slightly, swallowing a gasp when he sees the wound in her shoulder. Glass shards are entangled in the wound; she is probably going to need stitches. "Sweetheart, we are going to have to go the hospital to get your shoulder looked at."

Rufus sees the first genuine emotion flicker across Lily's face before it is wiped away. She is utterly terrified of leaving this bathroom even though it kills her to stay in here. All she wants to do is go home and take a long hot shower, effectively removing every hint of Jack from her body.

"No, I-I-I don't want to go. Rufus, please don't make me go." His heart breaks for her as she pleads with him. This is not the Lily he knows, his Lily would never beg him, but he has to remind himself that she isn't exactly herself right now. She is numb; her mind is protecting itself from the trauma it just endured. He swallows; his throat thick with emotions that he shouldn't express in front of her at the moment. She needs him to be impartial, her support system and her decision maker.

"Lil, I would never makeyou do anything, but I think _we _should go and get your shoulder stitched up." Rufus makes the reason for their hospital visit about her shoulder; she doesn't need to be reminded that she was just raped.

"Okay…is anybody out there?" Rufus isn't exactly sure who constitutes as anybody in her mind. Jack? The kids? Or does she mean any person in general? He takes his blazer off and drapes it over her shoulders, providing her with some warmth. Lily clutches onto it, tightly crossing her arms over her chest, thankful that his blazer covers most of her bruises.

"I will make sure nobody sees you Lil," he gives her his word, knowing that she needs it more than anything. Lily stiffly nods which prompts Rufus to get to his feet, offering his hand to her. She slips her hand into his and slowly stands up, ignoring the crippling spasms in her back. Rufus glances at her, concern bubbling in his features.

"I'm okay," she whispers, although her body and mind says otherwise. He doesn't push the issue and keeps a firm grip on her hand, lacing their fingers together. Lily leans on him, keeping her head down to avoid eye contact in case someone is probing for details about what happened to her. Rufus takes one final glance around the room, his stomach dropping when he sees smears of her blood on the broken mirror.

Rufus brings her down an empty corridor that leads to an exit towards the back of the opera. Lily can't help but keep checking over her shoulder, in case Jack is looming in the shadows.

There is a town car waiting for them, just like Rufus requested from Chuck. Rufus can feel Lily trembling against him, still clinging onto the lapels of his blazer. He opens the door and lets her slide in first, trapping the words in his mouth when he hears a miniscule wince slide through the crack in her lips again. Rufus climbs in next to her and slams the door, giving a nod to the driver to take them to the closest hospital. Lily tucks her head into his shoulder as his arm slinks around her, holding her as close as possible without smothering her.

He is still waiting for some kind of reaction from her other than silence or monosyllabic answers when asked a direct question. Rufus just hopes that Lily doesn't completely shut him out, something that she has done to him in the past. She can't go through this alone and she doesn't have to, if she will let him. Rufus snags her hand gently, bringing their conjoined hands into his lap. Lily shifts uncomfortably in the seat, the pain in her back flaring up. He resists the temptation to ask if she is okay because he already knows the answer.

Once they arrive at the emergency room of the hospital, Lily is cordoned off by a specially trained nurse after learning about her ordeal.

"I am going to find a police officer that will help me collect evidence. Can you change into this gown and put your clothes into this bag, please?" The nurse that introduced herself as Stephanie asks Lily. Lily nods and holds Rufus' hand a little tighter.

"Lily, do you want him to be in the room with us for your exam?" Lily hesitates, she won't make Rufus stay. She isn't sure he will want to see the extent of her injuries. Rufus can detect the uneasiness ebbing off of Lily and releases his hand from the death grip she has on him.

"I will give you two a moment while you change," Stephanie closes the door to the exam room behind her. Rufus stands in front of Lily, gaining her full attention. Lily's russet eyes flicker up to his, still showing no emotion behind them.

"Lil, you know that Jack is not here and there is no way in _hell _he could ever hurt you again." Lily averts his gaze as he nods, not having to remind him that neither of them are keen to Jack's whereabouts at the moment. All she listens to is his words, although she isn't positive she believes them. "But the simple truth is, even though you know all of this…there is some part of your brain that won't let you believe it." Rufus finishes as his thumb caresses the back of her hand.

"Yes," Lily admits in a whisper, trying to keep her tears at bay for the time being. She doesn't want to break down here, when the nurse and police officer could walk in at any moment.

"Hey, honey, look at me," Rufus urges, pulling her a little closer to him as he holds onto her hand. "It's normal for you to feel that way and you know it. It's going to take time for you to get over this so don't be so hard on yourself because you feel vulnerable right now. It doesn't make you weak and no matter what, _you are still the same person you were before all of this happened._" His voice doesn't encroach on sympathy or pity, but rather, the truth of what he believes.

"I know." Lily replies, aware that at the core she will remain the same, but also aware that a part of her will forever be altered by what Jack has done to her.

"I will stay; I _want _to stay with you, if that's okay. If you would rather have me wait in the waiting room, I can do that too." Rufus emphasizes the fact that he wants to stand beside her while she has evidenced collected, but also, he is leaving the choice up to her.

"Please stay, I feel safe with you here," her voice is so soft that he doesn't quite catch the end of her sentence. Rufus gives her a boyish smile that she always teases him about. Lily tries her hardest to smile back, but she can't.

"Okay, do you need help with your dress?" Rufus has found the best thing to do is ask her simple yes or no questions and leaving the choice completely up to her. The absolute last thing he wants to do is make a decision for her or force her into doing something she isn't comfortable with doing. He also doesn't want to treat her like a fragile child, but he doesn't want to brush aside what has happened to her either.

"Yes…I really liked this dress." Rufus stops unzipping the piece of clothing for a moment, reigning in his own emotions. He flips back to about five or six hours ago when he arrived at the penthouse to pick her up. Rufus caught her twirling around the living room in the dress, her face flushed with embarrassment when his arm hooked around her waist, pulling her close and planting a kiss on her lips.

"I know you did," He figures an apology would be the worst possible thing he could say to her right now. Rufus glides the zipper down her back, the internal anger building up after each bruise he passes. Lily steps out of the dress, fully nude now. Her panties are gone, having been ripped off by Jack during the attack. Rufus tosses the blood soaked dress in the police evidence bag and reaches for the gown.

Under the fluorescent lights, Lily stares down at her body, the bruises and cuts covering it along with the taste of Jack still lingering inside of her mouth, making bile rise up in her throat. She stubbornly pushes back her tears, reaching for the gown despite the pain in her back so she won't have to pick herself apart anymore. Lily slips the flimsy fabric over herself and asks Rufus to tie it for her.

"Can I send in the nurse?" He asks and receives a mere nod in return as Lily tries to shift into a manageable position on the exam table. Stephanie comes back, sans the police officer she went out to find.

"The officer is going to come in after I complete the exam."

With a nod, Lily takes in a breath as Stephanie reaches for her chart, asking all of the routine questions while cleaning the small cuts and abrasions on her body, taking samples from underneath her fingernails as well as taking a look at her bloody shoulder.

"That will not require any stitches, but I will put some antibiotic ointment on it to prevent infection. This is going to sting a little," Stephanie applies the antiseptic and then a bandage. Lily cringes, squeezing Rufus' hand.

The nurse completes the exam, tossing her surgical gloves into the nearby trash can. "Are you ready for me to let the police officer in now?"

"Okay, are we almost done?" Lily asks, still keeping a tight hold on Rufus.

"Yes, it shouldn't be too much longer. I'll be back as soon as possible so we can get you going on out of here." Stephanie leaves them with a polite smile.

"You are doing great," Rufus assures Lily, knowing that exam wasn't easy for her. Hell it wasn't even easy for him to watch, let alone be the one being examined. He was mostly silent during her exam, afraid that if he opened his mouth when she answered questions about what Jack did to her he wouldn't be able to stop himself from scaring her with his fury towards her attacker.

"Thank you for being here," Lily says sincerely. She would have fully understood if he didn't want to be in the room while the nurse was examining her. Purple bruises are blossoming all over her body, her makeup looks like she slept in it and her hair looks like it hasn't been brushed in weeks. "Rufus?"

"What's up Lil?" He is surprised that she seems to be talking more than when they were in the bathroom at the opera.

"Where are the kids?" Lily prays that she won't have to explain what happened to her to Serena and Eric, or worse, Dan and Jenny. She is still uncomfortable knowing that Chuck was the one who first saw her like that. She hopes that he doesn't blame himself for what happened because it certainly wasn't his fault in any way.

"I…um…I don't know. Do you want me to call Serena or Eric?" _Wrong question, _Rufus thinks silently when he watches her bury deeper into herself. He shakes his head, signaling to her that he was wrong in asking. "I'm sorry Lil; I shouldn't have asked you that."

Her response is stifled by Stephanie returning with a police officer. Lily shivers when she spots a camera in the police officer's hands. The thought of her battered body being exposed and captured on film for others to see is making her throat tighten.

"Hi Lily, I'm Officer Gramer, but you can call me Annie. I assure you that this will only take a few minutes and I promise that if you need a break at any time, I will stop. I'm not going to do anything until you are ready, I promise," The female cop reassures Lily, seeing the all too familiar fear in her shaken face. Rufus releases Lily's hand, and takes a step back, wanting the cop to be able to do her job as quickly and efficiently as she can so he can take Lily home.

"Okay," Lily replies back with a nod.

"Good, then let's start with the injuries to your hands. Can you hold them out in front of you?" Lily does as told without saying a word, cringing when the flash goes off.

"Are you okay Lily?" The officer asks, getting ready to stop if told to do so.

"Yes," Lily mumbles.

"Good, let's move on to the injuries to your neck. I think it would be easier if you got off the table for this," Officer Gramer tells Lily. Rufus offers Lily a hand, wishing that her face didn't press so tightly in pain every time she moved. "If you could turn your head to the right Lily that would be great," The officer focuses on the bite marks Jack left on the right side of Lily's neck. Lily flinches again when the flash goes off, doing the same when the officer takes a picture of the other side of her neck.

Officer Gramer then proceeds to capture the bruises left on Lily's inner thighs and on her legs. Even though Lily knows that the flash from the camera is coming, she can't help but jump every time. Each time she flinches, the officer asks her if she is okay or would like to take a break. Lily shakes her head no, knowing that if she stops, she won't be able to start again. She is thankful to Rufus for not asking as well, he is just standing off in the corner, trying not to interfere.

"Alright, now let's move onto the injuries on your back," The officer tells Lily.

"Lil, do you want me to help you with your gown?" Rufus asks, locking eyes with Lily for a brief second.

Pausing for a moment, Lily nods. She agrees, knowing with Rufus' help the task will be far less painful for her, accepting the offer while trying to still the tremors in her body that continue to snake through her. Rufus unties the first two ties, his tongue skating across his teeth when he sees the depth of her injuries. He can't imagine what Jack made Lily do when they were in that room together. It tears him apart that he allowed this to happen to her. Lily tilts her head to the side, wondering why he is staring at her. She knew the second he saw her back, the place with the most extensive bruising, he would start to have doubts.

Rufus can read the uneasiness on Lily's face and is confused by it for a second before he can catch up with her line of thinking. She thinks that by him seeing her bruises makes her appear less beautiful to him in his eyes, but that is simply not the case. She needs a dash of his reassurance that the attack hasn't lessened her beauty.

"I love you," he whispers in her ear and steps away, letting the officer finish her job. Lily chokes back a sob and tilts her head down, twitching when the sound of the flashes echoes through the exam room.

"Okay Lily we are almost done, but I need you to turn back around and lower your gown so that I can take a few pictures of your breasts," the officer informs Lily, keeping her voice at a gentle whisper.

At hearing those words, Lily takes in a shuddered breath and looks over at Rufus, silently asking him to assist her. Rufus steps forward at her side, placing his hand on her uninjured shoulder.

"You can do this Lil," Rufus whispers to her, "just focus on something in this room and I will lower your gown for you, okay?" Lily is grateful for his non-pitying tone; he is only offering to help her to make this process as smooth as possible for her.

Lily takes in another breath and turns around, focusing her gaze above the female officer's head to the cabinets lining the wall. Rufus takes that as a cue to gently move the material of the gown Lily is wearing off of her shoulders and down to her elbows.

_One…two…three…_Lily begins to count, keeping her eyes peeled on the slate gray cabinets.

Rufus then moves behind her and holds the gown in place from her back so it will not slip down any further.

_Four...five….six…_

"Okay, I am going to need you to hold still," Officer Gramer tells Lily while focusing on the dark bruises shaped like fingerprints on Lily's left breast first.

_Seven…eight…nine…_

_FLASH…jump…okay, deep breath Lily…_

_ Ten…eleven…twelve…_

"Are you doing okay Lily?"

_I'm nodding…hurry up…thirteen…fourteen…_

_ FLASH…flinch…oh god, please let this be the last picture…_

"That's it Lily, we are done. I will let Stephanie finish up and discharge you," The officer announces and reaches over to collect Lily's bag of clothes along with her camera before leaving. Rufus quickly ties Lily's gown back up and intertwines their hands, showing his unwavering support. Lily lets out the breath she didn't know she was holding and looks down. She is happy that she gets to go home, but she doesn't have any clothes to change into.

"I will give you a prescription for some pain meds and find you some clothes to go home in, excuse me." Stephanie leaves in search of the aforementioned items, leaving Rufus and Lily alone in the room again.

"It's almost over Lil, I promise," Rufus says to, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. The undisputable truth is that her ordeal is far from over, it's just beginning. He just hopes he won't lose her entirely because of this, knowing that it will change her no matter what.

"Okay." Lily has never wanted to see her penthouse more in her entire life. She wants to lock herself in her bedroom with Rufus and never have to answer any questions about what Jack did to her to anyone. That's impossible though, because she has the children to think about. They are going to want to help her, even though they really can't. She can tell that Rufus has some questions of his own to ask her and she loves him for holding off. He is aware that she will have a full scale breakdown if he pushes her to give him answers before she is ready.

Stephanie returns rather quickly with a prescription in one hand and navy blue surgical scrubs in the other.

"Sorry, I couldn't find anything else and I know you really want to get home," she apologizes, her cheeks a rosy hue. Rufus takes the prescription from her while Lily grabs the scrubs, mumbling a thank you. "You are welcome to go, but I just wanted to tell you that we have an excellent psychologist on staff if you ever want to use him, I can give you his number."

Rufus almost bites back laughter at the skeptical expression on Lily's face. He realizes that Lily isn't going to go to someone willingly, it's going to take some serious convincing on his part for her to even consider going.

"Um…thanks…we will consider it…" Rufus says politely, winking when Lily whips her head around to look at him. She relaxes and puts her hand on her back, the abrupt motion causing another spasm. Stephanie can see the doubt in Lily's face, but simply gives her well wishes. Lily is going to have to come to terms with what happened to her by herself.

Lily kneads the scratchy fabric of the scrubs. Until she gets pain meds in her body to alleviate some of her back pain, there isn't much she can do for herself.

"Do you need help getting dressed Lil?" He asks, sticking to the format of the yes and no questions that seems to be working for them. Lily nods and slowly bends so he can fully untie her gown. He assists her in getting undressed and then redressed. When she is dressed in the scrubs, Rufus puts his hand on her cheek, her face being the one part of her body that hasn't been affected by Jack. "Can I take you home?"

Lily hesitates, she wants to go home so badly, but she knows that Serena and Eric, possibly even Dan and Jenny are going to be waiting. She doesn't want to get bombarded with questions the second she steps off the elevator. The loft isn't safe either for the same reason. Although, Lily couldn't imagine being in a hotel, she wants to be in the comfort of familiar surroundings.

"Will you stay with me?" There is nothing that will prevent Rufus from letting Lily spend the night alone. Eventually, her mind is going to stop protecting itself from the trauma that it experienced and Lily is just going to fall apart. He wants to be there for her when that happens because he knows that she will torture herself with ways that she could have prevented Jack from doing this to her.

"Of course I will. I'm here Lil."

"Home?" Lily asks simply, ready to take the next step and leave the hospital.

"Home," he answers her back and weaves her through the emergency room to a car that is waiting to take them back to the penthouse.

**A/N 2: What did you all think of this? I am totally willing to continue if you guys want more. I am hoping that everyone will give me their opinion because I always appreciate it. Thanks for reading and I will have a new chapter of **_**Flawed and Fragmented **_**up soon. Please leave a review (for both stories) on your way out! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: You guys are seriously amazing, thank you so much for all the reviews I have been receiving. A couple things before I start. I don't have any experience with what this story deals with; I am only writing what **_**I think **_**the situation calls for. Also, these chapters aren't going to be as long as **_**F&F **_**merely because I want to do both stories at the same time. Finally, all of these chapters are going to include serious content and I completely understand if that is too much for some readers. Enough of my blabbering please enjoy!**

**Chapter Two**

_"Of course I will. I'm here Lil." _

_ "Home?" Lily asks simply, ready to take the next step and leave the hospital. _

_ "Home," he answers her back and weaves her through the emergency room to a car that is waiting to take them back to the penthouse. _

He doesn't like her when she is quiet. Rufus is used to him and Lily swapping comments back and forth on the ride back to the penthouse about the event they just went to. He would make a quip about how everyone is so unnecessarily overdressed, she would roll her eyes and tell him that he could learn a thing or two about fashion from the people in attendance. Rufus would silence her with a kiss and then she would respond to it, ending up on top of him, swapping kisses the whole way back.

His slight whimsical grin fades when Lily readjusts in her seat for the fifth time in a few short blocks. She squeezes his hand, not having let go of it since they left the hospital about ten minutes ago. Rufus tightens his grip on her, forgetting for a brief second that her shoulder is badly hurt. Lily winces and looks up at him, pain flashing in her eyes. She doesn't say anything, only putting her head back on his shoulder, throwing her other arm around his torso.

Rufus stamps a kiss to the top of her head, hoping that he didn't push any boundaries. It was more of a tender, loving feeling than anything sensual, but still, he wants to proceed with caution when it comes to displays of affection. They are going to have to work on her timetable now, slowly beginning to rebuild what Jack took from her and from their relationship when he raped her in that bathroom.

Lily feels Rufus' lips graze the top of her head and she closes her eyes, reminding herself that he is doing that because he loves her, not expecting anything in return. She relaxes for a brief moment, almost managing to smile, but it falls short. Lily should be excited to head home after the opera and the hospital, but she can't conjure up the emotion. The only thing approaching an actual feeling for her is gratitude for Rufus standing by her side. That might fade though; she doesn't know how long he intends on sticking around.

"Lil…" His deep voice captures her attention, causing her to become aware of her surroundings again. The car is parked in front of her apartment complex. Lily takes a deep breath in; suddenly she is scared to leave the car. Rufus reaches for the door handle, but she pulls him back, silently communicating with him that she needs a second or two to collect herself. "Hey, we don't have to go anywhere until you are ready, okay?"

_He is so sweet, what did I do to deserve him? _Lily thinks, nibbling on her bottom lip. Rufus watches Lily assess herself, looking to see how many scrapes and bruises are visible in the scrubs she is wearing. She gives him the go-ahead with a small nod and he swings open the door. Rufus gets out first, holding his hand out for her. She clasps it, inching her way out of the town car. They walk into the penthouse slowly, seeing Vanya on the way in.

"Oh Ms. Lily, there you are, Ms. Serena and Mr. Eric were asking about you," Vanya's strong, accented voice catches Lily off guard and she backs up behind Rufus, still gripping onto his hand. Rufus watches her shrink back and the confusion on the doorman's face is apparent.

"Hi Vanya, we are going to see them now. Have a good night," Lily pieces her sentence together, reminding herself that the kindhearted man hasn't been clued in on the events of the past few hours. She doesn't want to give him the impression that he should treat her any differently. Rufus gives Vanya a reassuring grin and brings Lily to the elevator. Inside the elevator, Lily buries her head in her hands, admonishing herself for her minor slipup in front of Vanya. Rufus sees her pull away from him the slightest bit and he wonders how to help her.

"Lil, what's wrong?" She shakes her head and then remembers that a mere head shake won't relay her current thoughts.

"I got scared by Vanya, _Vanya. _Rufus, do you know how pathetic that is?" He sweeps his bent finger over her cheek; he figured that would be her knee-jerk reaction, to blame herself for simply jumping when someone's voice was a little too loud. Fear and surprise are two closely entangled emotions; she could have easily reached for one when she meant the other.

"Honey, it's not your fault, I don't think you were expecting him to approach you like that. You weren't scared _of _him, you were scared _by_ him." Rufus is careful to point out the distinction between the two. All he receives in return is a nod from her as the elevator doors open. He observes her response to stepping off the elevator, into the penthouse. She is cautious, looking around to see if anyone is going to jump out at her.

Lily swallows, scanning the dimly lit penthouse, hoping that the kids aren't planning an ambush. Relief washes over her, this is the first time since Jack that she has felt safe. She is in her own home, somewhere that is protected from any person that would try to enter without her permission.

"Mom! You are home!" Serena exclaims from the top of the stairs, Eric on her tail. Lily is guessing that Serena came home and told Eric what had happened at the opera. She is a little nervous as to how the kids are going to treat her. Lily is still their mother and doesn't want to be coddled by her own children. Her eyes flicker over to Rufus', asking him for assistance on how to approach Serena and Eric.

Serena's arms wrap around Lily, accidentally pressing on her damaged shoulder. Lily recoils, a hiss of pain sliding through her clenched teeth. The teenager immediately stands back, her eyebrows furrowed. Eric hovers behind his sister, his eyes wide with intrigue after seeing what just transpired. "I'm sorry mom. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm going to change and go to bed. It's late; you two should probably get some sleep. We can talk in the morning." Boundaries are very important for Lily right now. She needs everything and every relationship in her life to stay the same after what Jack did to her in order to eventually return to normalcy. Lily gives her kids a swift kiss on the cheek and goes to stand behind Rufus.

Rufus secretly gives the kids a look, telling them to just let it go for the time being. He knows that Lily would not want to be questioned by her kids, preferring to spare them the details of what happened earlier tonight. Serena and Eric mutter their goodnights and disappear into their rooms. Lily presses her hand to her forehead and sighing deeply.

"Come on sweetheart, let's go get you cleaned up," Rufus softly tells her, not giving her the time to overanalyze how she could have handled that encounter with her children differently. Lily swallows and lets him bring her upstairs, through her bedroom and into the adjoining bathroom. Watching Rufus fuss with the handles on the bathtub, the urge to start crying unexpectedly takes a hold of Lily. She brings her fingers up to her mouth in order to stifle the small sob that is attempting to slide out of her lips.

Rufus turns to face her, seeing a lone tear trickle down her cheek. He clears his throat, the gaps of silence filled with pain growing between them inside her master bathroom.

"Do…do you need help getting undressed Lil?" He asks, his throat coursed with emotions that only she could evoke in him. Lily stares up at him, eternally grateful to him for doing his best not to let the misery she is feeling swallow her whole.

"Yes," Lily lifts her arms up slowly, reminding herself that he has already seen her bruises in the stark lighting of the hospital and he was fine with them.

Rufus lets his thumb meander up her abdomen as he pulls the scrub top off of her body, grinning slightly when her blonde ringlets fully releases from the chignon they were trapped in. Lily's breasts are fully exposed, as are the painful marks that Jack left on them. He sees her avert his gaze, looking anywhere but his face.

"Look at me," He whispers to her, remembering that he had her back to him when they were in the hospital room. Lily nibbles on the inside of her cheek and brings her eyes up to his. She wishes that this was any ordinary time that he has slept over when they would decide to take a bath together. They would already be snuggling under the bubbles, he sprinkling kisses on her neck and shoulders, her pretending to be annoyed by it.

"We don't have to do this," she whispers. Rufus bends down to take her pants off before gently splashing his hand on her cheek.

"What Jack did to you is nothing you should be ashamed of. You fought that bastard with everything you had." Rufus adds conviction in his tone, holding their gaze. Lily starts trembling and Rufus takes a risk by pressing a kiss to her cheek, affirming that she is still the brave, confident and stubborn woman that she has always been. "Are you ready to get in the tub?"

"I…yes…" Lily answers quickly with her eyes flickering over his face. She hopes that he isn't going to press her for details about the rape; she isn't ready to talk about it. In due time, she will answer every question she can to the best of her abilities, but not now. The wounds and memories are too fresh for her; she can still hear Jack yelling in her ear and sense his hands on her flesh.

"Hold on to me," Rufus warns, predicting that Lily will try to get in without any assistance. Lily glances at him briefly before grabbing his bicep for support, putting one foot in and then the other, carefully lowering herself down into the water. "You okay?" he can see the pain flare up in her face, hating the feeling of not being able to take that away from her.

"Yeah," her voice comes out as high pitch and unconvincing. Rufus hands her body wash and a washcloth. He doesn't want to overstep and will only help if she asks him to. Lily squirts the lavender body wash onto the washcloth and begins washing herself. Although, washing wouldn't be the correct term, it's more like she is trying to scrape her skin off.

Lily is frantically rubbing the washcloth over her body, creating angry crimson blotches throughout. Rufus swallows deeply and rests his hand on her upper arm.

"Lil,"

"_What?" _Lily snaps and then her eyes widen, wondering where that irritation came from. She lets out a frustrated sigh and drops the washcloth into the water. "I'm sorry, Rufus," she murmurs quietly.

"It's okay, do you need help washing your hair?" Rufus hates to admit that he felt a tinge of relief when she snapped at him. That is the first genuine emotion that she expressed since he found her in the bathroom. He is glad that she is finally starting to articulate her feelings to him, even if it is simple annoyance.

Rufus scoops up a cup that is resting on the counter and fills it with water. Lily applies the shampoo and tilts her head back, allowing the water to flow from her head down her back. "I'm going to go find something for you to wear." He gives her a few moments to collect herself, knowing that she has yet to wash the most sensitive areas of her body.

Lily watches him walk into her walk-in closet, feeling her heart beat a little faster. _Just concentrate on something else. He will only be gone for a few seconds. It's not a big deal, Lily. _She gathers up the washcloth and fills it with more body wash, lathering it over her breasts and chest.

Rufus quickly goes into her closet, searching through her drawers for something that she would feel comfortable wearing. He finds her pajama drawer, frowning when it is full of scandalous chemises and teddies with cutouts. He needs to hurry up; he doesn't want her to think that he has left her stranded in the bathroom. Luckily, he locates a silk plum pajama set bunched up in the corner of the large drawer. He snatches both sets of clothing and hurries back in the bathroom.

Lily has her head down and is keeping herself busy by washing her inner thighs, wincing when the washcloth dances over the sensitive area covered in bruises. Rufus sits on the toilet seat, waiting for her signal that she wants to get out of the tub. She reaches up to put the washcloth on a nearby shelf and then looks to him, wanting to see what he picked out for her to wear.

"Are you ready to get out?" He asks and sets the pajamas to the side so he can reach behind her to pull the drain up, sending the water swirling down. Lily attempts to stand up, but is met with a disapproving look by Rufus and relents. She hates to concede that she needs his support for very simple tasks even though she realizes that he is more than willing to help.

Rufus eases her out of the tub, swaddling her in a plush gray towel.

"I wasn't sure what you want to wear," he begins sheepishly and points to the pajamas folded on the counter. Lily shrugs; she didn't even realize that she still had that particular set of pajamas. She dries herself off, flinching when the towel rubs up against her bruises. Rufus stands back, waiting for her to ask him to help her get dressed.

After Lily is dressed and ready for bed, they walk into her bedroom. Rufus looks down at himself, noticing that he is still wearing the tuxedo he went to the opera in. He shrugs off his blazer and flips off his shoes, wondering what he is going to wear to bed. They haven't exactly established drawers at each other's places yet.

"Hey Lil, do you have anything of mine that I can wear?" Lily nods and points to a top drawer. Rufus pulls it open, smiling when he sees a pair of his pajama pants and an old Lincoln Hawk tee mixed in with her underwear. He takes a moment to shed the tuxedo and slip into more comfortable clothing.

Lily freezes at the foot of her bed, turning to see Rufus preoccupied with getting dressed. She doesn't want to go to bed, but she knows she has to. It's just the thought of being in the dark with your own thoughts that terrifies her. Lily knows that flashbacks from the attack are going to come at her in painfully detailed fragments and she isn't sure she is going to be able to handle it.

Rufus changes and glances over his shoulder, seeing Lily staring at her bed with trepidation. He wishes that he could give her one of the pain pills the nurse prescribed, but she hasn't eaten anything. More than likely, she would just throw it back up in a few hours. They aren't going to get much sleep tonight which is already abundantly clear. Lily is almost certainly going to have nightmares as her casual façade begins to melt away, leaving her with nothing but the frightening memories of what Jack did to her.

He comes up behind her, snagging her hand, bringing her over to the side she designated as hers. Rufus pulls back the covers and gestures for her to climb in. Lily shakes her head and cups her hand over her mouth, tears pricking her eyes.

"What is it Lil?" He wants her to articulate her fear in the best way she can.

"I…I don't …want…to." Rufus collects her in a hug, keeping his hand off of her bandaged shoulder.

"I know baby, but you can't keep running on any hours of sleep. Can you please try, for me?" Lily knows deep down that he is right. Her body and mind has reached its limit, staying awake will only make her more emotionally unstable. She slinks under the covers and tracks Rufus with her eyes until he climbs in next to her.

Lily presses her lips tightly together in pain when her body first makes contact with the mattress. She adjusts some pillows and rolls on her stomach, knowing that her back and sides will be too painful.

Rufus bites his lip, wondering how they can accommodate to Lily's needs. Undoubtedly, she is going to want to be in constant contact with him as she tries to sleep, using him as a safety net to combat her nightmares.

"I think if you scoot closer to me and keep lying on your stomach, it will help." He reads her mind and a grin tugs at the corner of his lips. Lily doesn't say a word as she does what he suggested. Her arm is slung around his abdomen, her head is nestled on his shoulder, and her leg is tangled with his. Rufus cocoons himself around her, creating a shield of sorts so she feels comfortable.

Rufus keeps a consistent rhythm of rubbing her arm, hoping that will ultimately lull her to sleep. He can tell that she is even hesitant to close her eyes. He is willing to stay up with her and talk about the events of tonight, but a part of him knows that she isn't ready for that. Rufus wants Lily to fall asleep first, as long as that takes, because he realizes that she won't stay asleep for very long.

_Okay Lily, just close your eyes. Rufus isn't going anywhere, he will be there when you wake up. Just…close…your eyes and try to think of anything else but Jack Bass._

Lily draws a lazy pattern on the fabric of Rufus' t-shirt as she tries to relax her aching body. Eventually, she stops fighting it and slowly lets her eyes close, the haunting memories of Jack attacking her invading her dreams.

_"I'll be right back," Lily whispers in Rufus' ear, pressing her lips against his. Rufus smiles and kisses her right back,_

_ "Don't be too long." They separate at the entrance to the theatre, Lily going into the powder room to freshen up, Rufus going to find Dan and Serena. She strolls into the powder room, searching through her clutch to find her lipstick. Jack Bass slinks in, shutting and locking the door behind him. Lily sees him in the mirror, glancing up to ask him what he is doing in here. _

_ He rips the lipstick out of her hand and throws it aimlessly in the corner of the room. Lily attempts to bypass him, having enough of his antics for one night. Jack steps in front of her, reeking of marijuana and alcohol. She tries to get him to see that what he is about to do is a mistake, but he won't listen. Jack roughly grabs onto her wrist and slams her against the wall. _

_ "NO…get away from me!" Jack grabs her head and forcibly shoves his tongue in her mouth, pressing harder on her wrists when she struggles against him._

_ "Stop it bitch or I will make you suffer," Jack whispers in her ear and starts nipping at her neck. Lily tries to push him away, but each time he smashes her into the wall harder. _

_ "Jack…stop…" Lily manages to get Jack to back off a little, but he smacks her across the face and then puts his hand on her throat, crushing down on her larynx. She gasps for breath, her hands reaching out to desperately pull him away. Jack releases her, letting her collapse to the floor before picking her back up again and squeezing her breasts as punishment._

_ "You shouldn't defy me Lily," he warns, pushing her against the counter, bending her backwards slightly for a better angle. _

_ Lily is dizzy from the lack of oxygen and taking in ragged breath in an attempt to gain her breath back. She feels Jack forcibly ripping her panties off and tossing them in the same area as her lipstick. He clenches both of her wrists, yanking them over her head as he pushes her against the mirror, shattering the glass on contact. _

_ "Leave me alone!" Lily screams, her voice ragged from his hands pressing on his throat. Jack puts a hand over her mouth and twists her head so he has access to the other side of her neck. _

Rufus rolls over a few hours later, expecting Lily to be right at his side. He lifts his head up from the pillows, spotting Lily sitting up in bed next to him with her legs pulled up to her chest. The sound of her muffled sobs heard by him immediately even though she is trying to keep them to herself.

Feeling Rufus move into a seated position on the bed beside her, Lily frantically wipes away her tears.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," She whispers, her voice mangled by the gripping nightmare she just experienced.

"You don't have to be sorry Lil, not about this," he says, moving his hand to her undamaged shoulder.

The touch of Rufus' hand sends a shiver rolling down her spine as the horrible thoughts of what Jack had done to her collides with the comfort that Rufus is attempting to bring to her.

He isn't sure what he should do, but he isn't going to leave her perched at the end of the bed, reflecting on the memories that are plaguing her.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" He doesn't need a fully detailed account of her rape because he personally doesn't know if he can listen to her describe the ways Jack violated her.

Predictably, Lily shakes her head and sniffs, sweeping the back of her hand under her nose. Rufus waits for something he can do for her in order for her to feel safe.

"I'm fine," she insists. She doesn't want to dwell on the thoughts keeping her awake. In all honesty, the only thing Lily wants to do is to forget. If she never has to think about this night again, she will be thankful.

"_You are not fine," _Rufus says strongly, putting both of his hands on her cheeks. Lily turns toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck and stamping her lips against his with her tongue forcing itself into his mouth.

_I can't let us change; I don't want Jack to ruin what we have. I don't want Jack to ruin me. _Lily thinks as she brings Rufus on top of her, being greeted by the sharp pain radiating in her back. Rufus freezes when he hears Lily cry out into his mouth. Her actions towards him weren't what he was expecting. He is afraid what will happen if he can't help her through the excruciating mental and physical turmoil she is experiencing right now. He also doesn't want her to feel like he is pushing her away.

Rufus softens their kiss before moving his lips from hers, looking down into her eyes that are wide with fear.

"Lil…we can't…" he starts to say, but is cut off.

"Please Rufus," Lily pleads with him, her voice sounding hollow and lost as she moves her lips towards his. Rufus presses his hands firmly on the mattress, not letting her shift his weight onto her again.

"Lily…stop…" his voice is soft, but firm, his heart aching when tears pool into her chocolate eyes. "This can't happen yet, I don't want to hurt you and I know I will if we try…" His hand caresses her cheek.

"I need this Rufus…I need us." Lily replies as a tear escapes her eyes. She is so terrified of falling apart that she is willing to endure any amount of pain if it means that their bodies can fuse together again. Lily needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he still wants her as much as she wants him.

"Not like this," His lips press on her forehead, feeling her quiver beneath him.

"No! I don't…I can't have you pity me!" Lily chokes out as another tear of misery slithers down her ivory skin. Rufus tilts his head down, locking eyes with her.

"That is something I would never do," he tells her directly. The absolute last emotion Rufus feels towards Lily is pity. He can't even begin to describe the level of bravery he has seen emerge from her over the last few hours. "Listen to me Lil, no matter how you feel about yourself right now…you are still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I love everything about you; except for your need to steal the covers." He relishes in the most miniscule grin that turns up her lips for a split second.

Lily wipes away another tear attempting to cascade down her cheek and nods. She hates to ask, but she still needs to know.

"Do…do…you still…love me?" Her voice is so raw and vulnerable, it breaks Rufus' heart. He understands her need to ask him that, even though he just told her that he loves everything about her. She has to be aware that nothing has changed between them and he still loves her just as much now as he did when he woke up this morning.

"With all of my heart," His response would make Lily, pre-Jack, scrunch her nose and roll her eyes, muttering something along the lines of "marshmallow" as their lips mesh together. Now, post-Jack, Lily buries her head into the curve of his neck, sighing in relief. Rufus relaxes and combs his fingers through her blonde hair that is iridescent in the moonlight.

"Thank you," she whispers, her temple rubbing up against the stubble beginning to form on his cheek. He holds her tighter and his lips graze the top of her head.

"Let's try and get some more sleep," Rufus tells her. Lily slowly nods; she is scared of what's going to happen again when she closes her eyes. She takes a deep breath and curls into Rufus, kissing him softly on the jaw. He doesn't let her see his surprise at the sensation of her lips touching his skin. He isn't going to make a big deal out of it, not wanting her to feel like that was the wrong thing to do.

The sunlight streams through the shades in Lily's bedroom, creating streaks across her face. Rufus is sleeping softly, his arms tightly banded around her. Lily is halfway between sleeping and waking, alternating between the two. She wonders what time it is and how much sleep she has managed to accumulate. Her eyes close again, her hand reaching up to wipe away a tear barreling down her cheek.

Rufus' eyes flutter open a few hours later when he hears soft whimpers coming from Lily. He glances down, seeing her quivering, her brow deeply furrowed.

"Lil, it's okay, he's not here," Rufus whispers to her. Lily balls his shirt up in her fist and sharply rolls into him, the motion creating a spasm in her back. She jolts awake, her top teeth clamping down on her lip to suppress a moan.

"Ow…" she mumbles. Rufus moves his hand to rub her back, wishing the pain would disappear along with the bruises. She tenses slightly under his touch and moves deeper into the pillows, away from him. He stops, realizing that he moved about two steps ahead of her on accident.

"Sorry Lil, I didn't mean…" She shakes her head, not letting him finish his apology. She shouldn't be afraid of Rufus, but sometimes her mind fails to see the distinction between him and Jack. Rufus isn't going to violate her like Jack did, he loves her, like he said last night. So why doesn't she believe him?

"It's okay, what time is it?" Rufus uses his free arm to grab his cell phone, noticing that both of his children called him several times last night.

"A little after eight, should we have something to eat?" They both haven't had anything to eat or drink since dinner last night before the opera which was over fifteen hours ago.

"I'm not hungry," Lily proclaims. Rufus quirks an eyebrow, how could she not be? "I still…I can still taste him in my mouth…" she whispers. He nods, hoping that she is starting to open up to him about what happened last night. She stops, looking up to him for an answer to solve her problem.

"Well…we can start with something small, like toast and juice, maybe even a pancake or two if you are feeling adventurous." Lily swallows, hearing the kids downstairs chatting amongst themselves.

"You are going to stay, right?" She doesn't want to face her children alone yet.

"Of course, who else is going to cook for you?" Lily bites her lip and stands up slowly, her back throbbing from the abrupt movement a few minutes ago. Rufus grabs her hand, bringing her downstairs, but she stops at the doorway, pulling him back. "What's wrong Lil?"

Her lips roll together and she concentrates on the door handle rather than his face.

"What if…if…they ask me questions? What if I can't answer them?" He slowly steps toward her, cupping her cheek to get her to look at him.

"You don't have to tell Serena and Eric anything you don't want to. They are your kids Lily; they will understand that you aren't ready to talk yet. I will help you, okay?"

"Okay." Rufus leads the way down the stairs and into the kitchen. Serena and Eric look up from their bowls of cereal, exchanging nervous glances.

"Hey kids, do you guys want anything else to eat?" Rufus breaks the ice and lets go of Lily's hand. Lily hovers at the counter, afraid to approach her own kids.

"No, we are good, thanks though Rufus. You okay, mom?" Serena asks, not really knowing how to handle this new dynamic in her relationship with her mother.

"Yeah, I'm fine." A thought clicks in Lily's mind and she starts glancing around the penthouse. She frantically searches all over the counter, dining table and living room causing Serena and Eric to try and secretly get Rufus' attention.

Rufus puts pieces of toast in the toaster for him and Lily, spinning around to see Serena and Eric staring at him. He furrows his eyebrows and Eric gestures over to Lily who is still performing a thorough search of her penthouse.

"Sweetheart, what are you looking for?" Lily spins at the sound of Rufus' voice and lets out a breath of frustration.

"Where is the newspaper? It's always here in the morning, _where is it?_" She demands, not liking how everything has seemed to have changed so drastically for her in the past twelve hours.

Rufus is at a loss for words, he isn't sure why she is so insistent on locating the newspaper. He looks at the kids, asking with his eyes to help disarm Lily.

"Vanya brought it up this morning, it's on the table by the elevator, mom," Eric speaks up for the three of them. Lily practically sprints over to the table, snatching the newspaper off of it. Serena, Rufus and Eric watch her flip through the pages, still clueless as to what she is doing.

Lily lands on the society section, her eyes scanning for any indication that the rape was reported in the papers last night. She lets out a shaky breath of relief when all she sees is the picture they took of her and Rufus with a little blurb about their new relationship. Lily folds the newspaper in half and holds her hand over her eyes, hoping that her children don't see the tears forming.

Serena and Eric stay seated while Rufus abandons breakfast to rush to Lily's side, curious as to why she is crying.

"Lil, what's wrong?" She wipes her eyes and holds up the newspaper.

"They don't know, Rufus. They don't know what he did to me. It's not in here." Lily gives him an authentic grin and presses her bent finger to the corner of her eye, stopping the tear that is threatening to fall.

"That's great Lil." The thought didn't even occur in Rufus' mind that the press would get a hold of Lily's attack. He is thankful that it wasn't the latest headline, knowing what the public scrutiny would do to her.

"Uh…Rufus…the toast," Eric interrupts them, pointing to the charred toast left in the toaster. Lily goes to sit down next to Serena, slowly easing her way into the seat, ignoring her children's concerned glances.

Rufus tosses the toast in the garbage and starts over, asking Lily if she wants anything to drink.

"Orange juice please," Lily says to him. He gets it for her, handing the cup to her. The sleeve of her pajamas rolls up, exposing the bruising on her wrist. Eric clenches his fists underneath the table while Serena does everything she can to not stare at her mother. Lily quickly grabs the glass and pulls her sleeve back down, hoping that the kids don't ask about it.

"Your breakfast will be done in a sec Lil," Rufus fills the awkward space around them and reminds her that she can take a pain pill after breakfast if she wants.

A few minutes pass before Rufus comes to the table, carrying a plate for the both of them. Lily takes a few bites, mostly drinking the orange juice, something strong enough to replace the other bitter taste in her mouth left there by Jack. Serena and Eric do their best to steer the conversation in other ways, specifically not mentioning anything about any part of last night. Rufus carries most of the conversation for Lily who is trying her hardest to stomach the toast.

After breakfast, Serena goes to get ready to hang out with Blair while Eric goes into his room. Rufus cleans up breakfast and Lily takes her medication, needing something to take the edge off of her back pain. Rufus bites his lip, knowing what he is about to bring up is going to be unpleasant for her.

Lily yawns and moves over to the couch, asking Rufus to join her. Serena comes out of her bedroom fifteen minutes later, fully dressed and clutching her cell phone.

"I'll be back in a bit mom; I think Chuck wants to see you when you are ready." Lily nods; she doesn't think she can handle seeing Chuck yet. It's nothing personal towards her now adoptive son, but she isn't up to having visitors. Serena flips her golden hair over her shoulder and gets in the elevator.

Rufus catches Lily yawn again and wonders how much sleep she actually got last night. It wouldn't be a bad idea for her to try and get some shut eye while the pain pill she took does its job. Plus, he knows that she isn't going to want him to leave.

"Lil, why don't you try and get some more sleep?" Lily shakes her head; she is perfectly fine running on about four hours of sleep if it means that she doesn't have to have any more nightmares.

"No…I don't want to." Rufus sighs, he really should go back to the loft and check on his kids, but he isn't going to leave until she is comfortable.

"Lil, I…think I should go see if Dan and Jenny are okay at the loft and grab some new clothes." Lily's eyes widen, she knew Rufus was going to leave her when she was just starting to regain her footing. Her hand falls out of his and she backs away from him.

"Fine…go…I don't need you here." Rufus had a feeling she would react this way. She thinks that he is abandoning her so she is shutting him out to make it easier on herself. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Honey, I'm not leaving you. You can come with me to the loft if you want." Lily doesn't want to be around Dan and Jenny at the moment. She has a hard enough time being around her own children. Rufus bites his lip; he should have thought this through before telling her.

"I…I can't…you should go…"

"How about I stay with you until you fall asleep?" Lily sighs, she appreciates Rufus trying to make her feel safe before taking off, but she won't be until he comes back.

"Okay…I can try…" Rufus and Lily walk hand-in-hand back to her bedroom. They resume the same position they were in last night with Rufus gently stroking her arm until her breathing evens out. He leaves her a note; promising to be back as soon as possible and telling her that she can call him if she needs to.

Rufus untangles himself from her and changes back into his tuxedo from the night before. He brushes a kiss over her hair and leaves the penthouse. Vanya hails Rufus a taxi and he is headed back to Brooklyn.

When Rufus steps into his loft, Dan and Jenny are in the middle of an intense game of Scrabble. They immediately stop and make room on the couch for their dad to sit.

"How's Lily doing?" Dan asks. Serena told him what happened to her mother last night at the opera. Dan knew something was wrong when Rufus couldn't find Lily, but he didn't think Jack Bass would go so far as to rape her. Rufus shakes his head and leans back into the couch.

"Not good, I will be staying with her at the penthouse for the time being. I can't stay long; she doesn't feel safe by herself."

"Okay, well tell Lily that we want to help her in any way we can," Jenny tells her dad. She doesn't know Lily that well, but she knows that her father is crazy about her. Rufus smiles; knowing that his daughter means what she is telling him.

"I will, thanks Jen. I have to go get out of this tux." Rufus leaves his kids to finish the Scrabble game while he goes into the room, closing the door behind him.

He would never admit this to Lily, but he wants to be at the loft to decompress for a few minutes. It has nothing to do with her, but he still hasn't processed what has happened to her. He doesn't know how to help her, or if what he is trying to do is actually hurting her more.

Rufus chooses his clothes and sits on his bed for a second, rubbing his face in his hands. He should really get going because he doesn't want Lily to wake up alone. A part of him doubts that she was really sleeping and just pretending for him. He gets dressed and leaves his room, sitting on his couch with Dan and Jenny for a few minutes before he leaves again.

His cell phone rings from the counter where he left it when he first entered the loft. Rufus runs to get it, wanting to make sure Lily isn't calling him. It's Eric, which has Rufus very nervous.

"Eric? What's going on?" Rufus can hear sobbing in the background and is assuming that it's Lily. Guilt slices through him; almost cutting him in half. Why in the hell did he think it was a good idea to leave her?

"It's mom…you need to get back here now."

**A/N: That's where I leave you! Next chapter, Lily finally opens up to Rufus a little, but she is reluctant at first. What do you guys want happen next chapter? As far as updating goes, I will give you guys a choice. Either I write one more chapter of this before I go back to **_**F&F **_**or I will just update **_**F&F **_**and give this one a break for a bit. Thanks for reading and please leave a review on your way out.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Ah! You guys are amazing! Thank you for all the reviews I have received for **_**Rewrite**_**, I am deeply grateful for every single one. I don't really have an estimated length or plan in general for this story; I am just taking it chapter by chapter. Again, this chapter is rated M for a reason, so proceed with caution. Without further ado…here's chapter three!**

**Chapter Three **

_"Eric? What's going on?" Rufus can hear sobbing in the background and is assuming that it's Lily. Guilt slices through him; almost cutting him in half. Why in the hell did he think it was a good idea to leave her?_

_ "It's mom…you need to get back here now." _

He knows he shouldn't have left her alone, she wasn't ready. He was being selfish, choosing to think of himself and his children rather than her well being. He wonders if she is even going to want him to come back since she didn't call, somebody else did on her behalf.

Rufus lets the phone skim down his cheek, the dial tone interrupting his current thoughts. Dan and Jenny are staring at him, waiting for an answer as to why their father looks so terrified and guilty.

"Dad, what's going on? Is it Lily?" Jenny asks, concern widening her cobalt eyes. Rufus clears his throat, patting his pockets to make sure he has his wallet before he vacates the loft.

"I shouldn't have left her…I have to go. Call me if you need something…I really should leave…" Rufus repeats and briskly walks out of the loft. Jenny glances at Dan who shrugs his shoulders, not really understanding what just happened.

Rufus jogs down the stairs, catching a cab on the sidewalk outside of his apartment building. He berates the taxi driver to snake his way through Manhattan traffic quickly, needing to get to Lily as soon as possible.

"Damn it, come on!" Rufus yells to no one in particular when the taxi pulls to a stop at another red light. He glances outside the window, recognizing that he is about a block or two away from the penthouse. "Here, just take this." Rufus hands the driver almost double the fare and climbs out of the taxi, deciding to just run the rest of the way.

"Mr. Rufus, Mr. Eric has been calling for you ever since you left, he sounds scared," Vanya tells him, trying to catch up with Rufus who bursts through the doors of the apartment complex, making a bee-line for the elevators.

"Thanks Vanya!" Rufus exclaims over his shoulder and pounds the elevator button. He swears under his breath and steps on, letting the elevator doors close in front of him.

Eric greets him in the living room, looking utterly terrified. Rufus can hear Lily sobbing from upstairs and bypasses Eric, his only focus is getting to her.

"Lily, I'm coming." He calls out, bolting up the stairs and taking a left into the master bedroom. Serena is already with Lily, trying to unsuccessfully soothe her hysterical mother. Lily is lying on the bathroom floor on her stomach, clutching a half-empty bottle of gin. Tendrils of her blonde hair are slipping out of the ponytail she secured them in this morning. Her sobs bounce off the floor, echoing through the room.

"I heard mom throw up and then I came upstairs. She's been like this ever since," Eric whispers from behind Rufus and Serena. Rufus shudders at the fact that Lily threw up and he wasn't there to comfort her. Now she is like this, having the break down he knew she was going to have.

"Okay." Rufus bends down and strokes Lily's hair. He is trying to think of a way to pick her up without causing her pain. Serena and Eric unknowingly slip out of the room, letting Rufus console their mother. Lily tenses under his touch and looks up to see who has their hand on her back.

"Rufus?" Her voice is so soft; he has to strain to hear her. He cups her cheek, wishing that the lost look in her eyes would vanish.

"I'm here Lil." She bites her lip, debating whether to be angry at him for leaving or comforted by the fact that he came back.

"Y-y…You left me…" Lily sobs, her whole body aching by the uncontrollable trembles taking a hold of her.

"I am so sorry." Lily reaches for the bottle of gin with the intent of polishing the rest off. Rufus gently pries it out of her hands, despite her protests. "Lil, you don't need this." She shakes her head, holding her shaky hand to her temple as a terrible realization sweeps over her face.

"He…he raped me…he did this to me…that son of a bitch…" Lily yanks the bottle out of Rufus' hands and throws it against the wall, jumping when it shatters on impact.

Rufus flinches; he has never seen this level of anger stemming from Lily before. She has always been calm, in control, never letting her emotions cloud her judgment. He rests his hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles. She turns to him, a fresh batch of tears pooling in her eyes.

"It's okay sweetheart…" He reassures her and draws her into him, being careful not to apply too much pressure. Her flare up of rage bleeds into grief as her sobs return in full fury. She severs their embrace to inch toward the toilet, hovering over it for a second before she throws up.

Rufus tucks her hair back, letting her dry heave while he reaches up with one hand to grab a cup of water. "Here, Lil, take a sip." He holds the cup for her, letting her drink it slowly. She takes a few deep breaths and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Thank you…" she mumbles, flicking away a tear from the corner of her eyelid.

"I'm not going to leave you again, okay? I'm here," Rufus firmly tells her. She nods, giving him a watery smile. He scoops her up off the uncomfortable tile floor, one arm under the bend in her knee, the other coiled around the middle of her back, avoiding the bruising.

Lily drapes her arms around his neck, burying her head into his shoulder. She can't help but cry again at his promise, whisking away her worst fear of him abandoning her for good. He gingerly sets her down on the comforter, climbing into bed beside her. She automatically reaches for him, resting her head on his upper chest while she cries.

Rufus knows he should ask, but he is afraid that he would be taking advantage of her already vulnerable state. However, if he doesn't inquire about it now, he might never have the courage to do so later. Lily might push him away because of it, but he will feel even guiltier if he let her conceal the memories without properly addressing them.

"Lil…do you want to talk about it?" He asks gently, pressing his nose against her silky blonde hair. Lily shakes her head and clutches the collar of his gray and maroon flannel tighter.

"No," she whispers, hiding her head in the arc of his neck. Rufus lets out a deep breath as he nibbles on the inside of his cheek.

"You need to talk about it…" he tries again. She brings her head up; her eyes are red and puffy from crying. Betrayal works its way into the crevices of her features; she doesn't comprehend why he wants her to discuss the rape with him.

"_Why are you doing this to me?" _She whispers, despair laced into her voice. Rufus freezes and uses his finger to brush a stray piece of hair away from her heartbreaking chocolate eyes. He is pushing her to give answers before she is ready, the one thing he promised himself he wouldn't do. It's not fair to Lily, she is already broken up enough over her attack, and he needs to be careful before she shuts him out completely.

"I'm sorry honey; we don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to." He reaffirms his words by pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. Lily's eyebrows scrunch together as she gazes at him skeptically. She is terrified of him leaving again, but she wants him to understand that they have to do this her way.

"Okay…" She murmurs as a fresh batch of tears pool in her eyes. Lily presses herself against his t-shirt and lets her eyes flutter closed. Rufus can sense the wetness from her tears clinging to the fabric of his flannel. His fingers skim over her back, letting her cry herself to sleep as he tries to whisper comforts in her ear.

Eventually, Lily is able to fall back asleep for real this time, the constant sobbing has exhausted her. Rufus checks to make sure Lily is actually asleep before he untangles himself from her. He exits her room, going downstairs to check on Serena and Eric.

The two children are sitting at the counter, sipping on coffee and looking a little shaken up. Rufus pours himself a cup of coffee and leans on the counter, wanting to offer calming words to the kids.

"Is mom okay?" Serena asks, pressing the mug to her lips. Eric stares at Rufus, waiting for an update on Lily. Rufus heavily sighs, setting down the cup on the granite to rub his face in his hands.

"Lil is sleeping now. She is doing as well as can be expected considering…" He pauses to take a sip of coffee, "Look kids, your mother is going to have some good days and some bad days because of this."

"What can we do for her?" Eric asks, speaking for him and Serena. Rufus is guessing that Lily has never let her kids see her cry so heavily before and they aren't sure how to react.

"Honestly, I really don't know…I think the best thing is to just be there for her. I know that she wouldn't want you kids treating her differently because she is still your mother." Serena and Eric nod, agreeing with Rufus, grateful that Lily has someone that loves her here helping her.

"Chuck keeps calling and texting me since he can't get a hold of mom. He really wants to see her, but I wasn't sure what to tell him." Serena tells Rufus. Rufus thinks for a second, Lily left her cell phone in her clutch that is still at the opera. He bites his lip; he won't make her go back there to recover her phone; that would just be cruel.

"Oh…well don't tell Chuck anything yet, Lil should probably be the one to make that decision. I should probably go back upstairs and sit with her so she doesn't wake up alone." Rufus leaves the kids in the kitchen to contemplate what he just told them. He hopes that Lily isn't in the throes of another nightmare while he was downstairs talking to the kids.

He swings open the master bedroom door, breathing a sigh of relief when he sees her sleeping soundly on one side of the bed, enveloping herself around a pillow. Rufus kicks off his shoes and slinks under the covers beside her, bringing her back into his arms. She stirs in her sleep a little, readjusting to the contours of his body. Lily unconsciously slings an arm around his abdomen and moves her head further onto his chest. He grazes a kiss to her hair, closing his eyes in the hopes that they can both get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Lily was able to get a solid three hours of sleep before the nightmares relapsed. She tried to block out the painful memories that are terrorizing her, but they are too strong. Jack has a hold on her still, not allowing her to move on with her life, even in her dreams.

Rufus jolts awake when he hears her scream. He glances down and sees Lily thrashing around; her eyebrows deeply furrowed while tears cascade down her cheeks. He rubs his eyes and sits up in bed.

"Lil, honey, wake up." He makes sure to shake her uninjured shoulder, wanting to keep her pain to a minimum. Lily jerks awake and glances around, trying to remind herself that she is in her bedroom with Rufus, not in that bathroom with Jack. "Are you okay?"

Lily shakes her head and wipes her eyes, not liking the fact that she can't seem to last ten minutes without bursting into tears. Rufus receives the message and coils his arms around her, swallowing his desire to ask about her most recent nightmare. She sniffs and puts her head down onto his shoulder.

"When I was in that bathroom, all I could think about was you." Lily admits softly, trying to internally build up the courage to talk to Rufus about her attack. Rufus sucks in a breath, hoping that she is getting ready to open up to him on her own accord, not because she feels pressure from him.

"Lil, if you don't want to talk about this, we absolutely don't have to." Lily lifts her head up, wanting to look at him directly.

"I want…no, I _need_ to do this, but I just…I think I should start off slow." Rufus smiles, glad to see that she is the one that is opening up the dialogue.

"Okay, I will just listen, you can tell me as much or as little as you want." Lily nods, giving him the tiniest of smiles before putting her head back in its original spot. "If you want to stop, just let me know."

"I was going to leave, to find you, when he came in. I was trying to reason with him, tell him…that he should just walk away, but he wouldn't. He grabbed me and threw me against the wall. He…he…called me a bitch and told me…not to defy him." Rufus clamps down on his bottom lip hard to prevent himself from reacting to Lily's recount of her attack. He promised her that he would simply listen; she might close up all together if he were to show his unrelenting anger towards Jack.

She pauses, needing a second to collect herself, she can already feel her throat constricting with tears. "He grabbed me by the throat and held me against the wall the first time I tried to run away. After he let me go, he picked me up and slammed me against the mirror…h-h-holding his hand against my mouth. He would turn my head to the side so…he could bite at my neck. Every time I would try to fight him, he would squeeze my breasts or force me against the counter harder. That's how I got the bruising on my back." A tear rolls down her cheek as she remembers his breath hot against her ear. Rufus grabs her hand, banding their fingers together in solidarity.

"Do you want to continue Lil?" He asks, trying to keep his voice even, void of any emotions that he is currently experiencing. Lily hesitates and then gives him a nod, letting out a ragged breath.

"After…he choked me…I felt him rip my underwear off and throw it…he squeezed my thighs until I would part them and then…" A tear slips down the slope of her cheek as Lily remembers how hard she tried and failed to prevent this, "he…he…forcibly entered me." Lily chokes out a sob and clasps her hand over her mouth.

Rufus panics, thinking that she is going to throw up again. Lily shakes her head and lets herself fall into him, feeling soothed by his arms binding around her.

"I'm sorry Lil," Rufus mumbles into her hair, letting the scent of her shampoo invade his senses. Lily glances up at him, bewilderment playing on her face.

"Sorry about what? You didn't have anything to do with this."

"I let this happen to you, I should have…" Lily cuts him off, she feels guilty enough for the both of them.

"Don't do this to yourself. You don't have anything to be sorry for. You are here, that's enough." Lily clears her throat and remembers what she wanted to ask him about.

"How are the kids? They shouldn't have seen me like that, I should have been more careful." She scolds herself, not believing that Serena and Eric were able to get a front row seat to her melt down a few hours ago.

"No Lil, they saw you being human. There is nothing wrong with letting Serena and Eric see you cry, you're their mother and they know that. They don't think any less of you because of this. I think the kids were more concerned about you than anything else." He reassures her by softly pressing a kiss to her exposed temple. Lily relaxes slightly only to have another concern enter her mind.

"What about Chuck? Serena was saying that he wanted to see me. Is he here?"

"Serena did mention it to me, but I told her that he can come when you are ready." Lily ponders it for a second, she is frightened, but Chuck is her son, she can't avoid him forever.

"I want to see him." Rufus glides his tongue over his teeth; he is a little scared that she is overestimating her recovery right now. Just because she had this breakdown of sorts doesn't mean that she can't have another one in the near future. They need to take this slow, one step at a time. However, he meant what he said about leaving every decision up to her. If she wants to see Chuck, then he will support that choice, even if he secretly thinks it's the wrong one.

"Okay, I'll tell Serena. What do you want to do now?" Lily stretches out of his embrace as her eyes flicker around her bedroom.

"I should probably get dressed." She nervously swallows, wondering if there is anything that she can wear that will successfully conceal all of her abrasions.

"Okay, that sounds good. Do you need help getting dressed?" He asks, not knowing how bad her pain is compared to last night. Lily nods, the pain medication didn't get to assuage any discomfort because she threw it up right away.

Rufus assists her into a standing position and lets her wander through her massive walk-in closet, staying seated on her bed. Lily chooses a maroon turtleneck and some gray slacks, reemerging from the closet with a crestfallen look on her face. He had a feeling that she was going to choose something that is the least skin revealing and he can't blame her. Even though it's only him and the kids at the penthouse, Lily doesn't want anyone staring at the bruises, even if it's herself.

"I know I shouldn't be getting emotional about a sweater but…" She trails off, tears prickling her eyes for the countless number of times today.

"But you can because you are healing and it is okay to cry over a sweater. Come here, let me help." Lily lets him finish her sentence for her and moves closer to him. Rufus helps her change, not asking anymore questions about her injuries or rape, which she appreciates because she doesn't think she can talk about it anymore today. Maybe in time, she will go into deeper detail, but it was hard enough to give him that little fragment. Lily really wants to avoid crying for the rest of the day, having enough of her emotions overriding her usual in-control demeanor.

"Should we try to eat something again? Your stomach must me empty," Rufus gets off the bed, looking at her to make the call for the both of them. Lily is reluctant to go back downstairs, knowing that her children will be hovering; wanting to make sure she is still in one piece after what they witnessed earlier.

"Um…I'm not sure…the kids…" He holds out his hand, hoping that she will clasp it. Lily's stubborn resolve melts when she sees that he is willing to stay with her. She slips her hand into his, allowing him to bring her downstairs.

Not surprisingly, Serena can be heard from the kitchen laughing at something Eric just told her. They stop when they see their mother approach with Rufus, her holding onto his hand tightly.

"Hey kids," Rufus greets them, hoping that they won't ask Lily any questions.

"Hi," Lily replies sheepishly, still hiding behind Rufus a little bit. Serena and Eric glance at each other and step towards their mother, gathering her in a hug, being careful to avoid the bruising. Lily drops Rufus' hand and wraps her arms around both of her kids. The hug falls apart and the kids step back. Lily glances at Rufus nervously before focusing her attention back on the children. "I'm sorry about earlier, you guys…didn't need to see that."

"Don't be mom, we want to help you too, along with Rufus of course," Eric says, shooting a warning glance at Rufus to be careful about leaving Lily again. Rufus catches it and nods, understanding that Eric is very protective over his mother, as is Serena. Lily leans against Rufus' chest, grateful that she has him and the kids for support.

"So, what are we going to eat for dinner?" Rufus eases the conversation into something more light-hearted. Lily shrugs; she still isn't as hungry as she should be.

They end up ordering Chinese with Rufus ordering extra eggrolls to sway Lily into eating more. Lily, Eric, Serena and Rufus sit at the dining room table like a quasi-family to eat their dinner.

"Oh mom, I forgot to tell you, Chuck has been calling non-stop wanting to see you. It's weird actually," Serena says, unaware of the fact that Chuck was the one who found Lily in the bathroom. Lily forcibly swallows the bite she was munching on for the past several minutes,

"Can you call him for me? I don't know where my phone is," Lily says. Rufus swallows; he has to tell her, but he was kind of hoping that he could just go pick it up without her knowing.

"Lil, your phone is still…at the opera, I can go get it for you tomorrow." Serena is already on her phone texting Chuck, ignoring the conversation going on around her.

"I'm coming with you," Lily states. Rufus tilts his head to look at her, thinking that it would be a terrible idea for her to go back there, but he doesn't want to do anything behind her back.

"Lil…" he protests, but she shakes her head.

"Rufus, please, I'm coming with you." The insistence in her tone makes it hard for him to argue. He acquiesces with a clipped nod; he agreed to do this her way even if it will push her healing back several steps.

"Okay, we can go in the morning." Lily mumbles a soft thank you. She realizes that Rufus is just trying to protect her, but something inside of her needs to return to the opera so she knows that she can.

"Chuck says he will be here in about a half an hour. I think Eric and I are going to go to the loft if that's alright. I want to see Dan," Serena says to Lily.

"Sure," Lily agrees, her children need a break from hovering over her, even if they are trying their hardest not to. Lily and Rufus watch the children leave, breathing a sigh of relief that dinner didn't turn into a complete disaster.

"Lil, do you want me to stay with you when Chuck gets here?" Rufus knows that Chuck isn't exactly a fan of his currently, but Lily's well-being comes first over some teenage vendetta.

"Yes."

Chuck steps off the elevator, surprised to see Lily sitting on the couch with Rufus' arm draped over her shoulders. Lily seems better than she did yesterday, but there is still that guarded fear that remains in her eyes.

"Hi Charles, thanks for coming," Lily says, a miniscule grin tugging the corners of her mouth up. Chuck doesn't try to moves closer to Lily in any way, not wanting to scare her. Chuck and Rufus hold each other's gaze for a heartbeat, silently passing gratitude to one another. Rufus holds out his hand, extending an olive branch to the teenager. Chuck accepts, only because he is appreciative of Rufus supporting his adoptive mother through this trying time.

"Lily, how are you doing?" Chuck asks, concern marring his features. Lily lets out a breath, not really sure how to answer that question. She feels stuck, something that she can't really explain to Chuck or even Rufus. No matter how much she is trying to move on, she feels rooted to the same place.

"I'm doing…fine, I guess," Chuck watches Lily look to Rufus almost as if for confirmation. Rufus smiles at her, dusting a kiss over her hair. The teenager furrows his bushy eyebrows, trying to conjure up an apology for what his uncle did to her last night.

"Lily…I…don't know where to begin. I am so sorry…" Lily cuts Chuck off as soon as he begins with his mea culpa. She is going to tell her son the same thing she told Rufus.

"Chuck, what he did to me wasn't anyone's fault but his own. Don't blame yourself because you are related to him. You stopped him, that's what matters." Rufus notices that Lily still hasn't said Jack's name, not even when she was telling him details about her rape, all she says is "he".

Chuck absorbs her words, but still isn't letting himself off the hook, especially because of all that grief he gave her over bringing Rufus around before he was ready. He wants to let her know that he forgives her, even if there is nothing for her to be sorry for. Now is not the time though, not with everything that is going on with the whole Jack situation.

"If the offer still stands, I would like to move back in." Chuck wants to watch over her just in case Rufus decides he isn't sticking around.

"I would love that," Lily says sincerely, glad that they could bury the hatchet. Chuck nervously looks at Rufus, hoping that he won't get mad for bringing this up to Lily.

"Lily, I had Jack arrested last night…the police…want your statement." He watches Lily and Rufus have two contrasting reactions to his statement. Rufus looks relieved while Lily looks absolutely petrified. "I can leave their number for you."

"Oh…um…okay, thank you Charles," Lily mutters, her voice lowering to a whisper. Rufus looks down at Lily, wondering why she sounds so hesitant. He would think she would be thrilled over the fact that Jack was arrested for what he did to her, but she isn't. Instead, she sounds really frightened and a little annoyed. He is praying that Lily seizes the one opportunity they are going to get to put Jack behind bars for a long time, but he isn't so sure. Rufus makes a mental note to bring this up after Chuck leaves.

Chuck nervously smoothes down a non-existent crease in his tailored suit. He is scolding himself for mentioning his uncle in front of Lily, his mother looks extremely agitated. He locks eyes with Rufus over Lily's head, the older man silently communicating to Chuck that he will handle the fallout from her.

"I should go; I have to help Blair with some scheme. Here's the number and I will be back to check in later, Lily." Chuck leaves a business card he received from the arresting officer on the coffee table. Lily slowly stands up, following Chuck to the elevator. Rufus swipes the business card off the table, flipping it through his fingers until Lily comes back.

Lily returns, seeing the business card in Rufus hand and the slightly cheerful look on his face. She can't force herself to match Rufus' relieved feeling.

"Lil, we should give this guy a call and set up an interview so you can give your statement." Rufus is open to any chance to punish Jack for what he did to Lily. He was going to ask Chuck where his uncle was if he wouldn't have mentioned that Jack got arrested. Lily stills, turning her head to stare at him, her emotions tightly reigned in.

"Rufus…I don't think that would be a good idea." Rufus furrows his eyebrows at her, not seeming to comprehend why she isn't as ready as him.

"Why?" He can see Lily's walls go up as she pulls away from him to sit farther away on the couch.

"I think we should just let it be," is all she offers to him for an explanation. Rufus isn't letting her off that easily; he needs her to see the implications of them just letting Jack disappear, even it means he has to scare her.

"Lil, if they let him go, he might hurt you again. I don't want that to happen."

"He already hurt me in the worst way imaginable; there is nothing else that he could do to me." Rufus and Lily are clearly on two different wavelengths, which is very frustrating for the both of them.

"Well, don't you want to see him suffer for what he did to you?" Lily sighs heavily; she figured Rufus wouldn't see the bigger picture.

"You don't understand do you? If I go in there and tell the police everything that he did to me, there's going to be a trial. Everyone is going to know that I allowed for this to happen." Lily's throat burns with unshed tears, just the thought of people on the Upper East Side whispering about her is too much. Rufus feels bad for pushing her to the brink of tears, but he wants to make sure that she is presented with all of her options.

"Baby, you didn't _allow _him to do this to you; he is a miserable bastard that took something from you. I think that after the trial and with Jack in jail, we can move on from this, get some closure." Rufus doesn't comprehend the implications of what he is suggesting. A trial will bring the press which will get people talking.

Furthermore, Lily is sure that the defense will bring up her past marriages as ammo against her to try and convince the jury that she was asking for what Jack did to her. Rufus can't protect her from the public and legal scrutiny that she will receive as much as he wants to. She does admit that Rufus is right; it will bring her some solace knowing that Jack might be put away for a long time, but that might not be enough.

"Can we…talk about this later? I just don't…" Lily stops and covers her face with her hands, starting to cry. Rufus skates his hand up her spine, whispering an apology as he gathers her in his arms. He should have been more cautious when approaching that sensitive topic to her. Bombarding her with the possibility of a trial and seeing Jack again was not the best idea.

"I'm sorry Lil…I didn't want to push you." Lily relaxes in the familiarity of his arms. She realizes that Rufus didn't have any malicious intentions behind this; it just caught her off guard.

"I'm just not ready," she says, each word staccato as her sobs diminish into barely audible whimpers. Rufus stamps a kiss to the top crown of her head. She hates how fragile she has become. Every time she thinks she is ready to take the next step, something in her mind prevents her from doing so.

"Okay, thank you for telling me. Why don't you sleep on it and we can talk more tomorrow?" Rufus suggests, hoping that she will agree. Lily stiffly nods, she can do that much for Rufus who has been there for her so much for her in the past twenty four hours.

"Sure," she finally mutters. Rufus hopes that she will eventually see that letting Jack go free and burying the rape will not help her. As much as she wants to forget, it's a process. Plus, Rufus didn't want to mention this to her, but whether she gives her statement or not probably doesn't matter, there is going to be a trial regardless. If the police arrested him and took evidence from Lily, they will have enough to indict Jack. They might even decide to subpoena Lily to testify, but Rufus doesn't know the legal system enough to tell if that could happen.

"What do you want to do Lil? It's only about eight," Rufus thinks its best that they move on from their previous topic of conversation. Lily could use a break from thinking about Jack.

"I want to be clean," Lily says softly. He tilts his head in confusion and then it clicks with him, she still feels tainted by Jack.

"Okay, do you want to take your medication and maybe try a shower tonight?" Lily swallows, producing only the smallest of nods. Rufus swipes the orange bottle from the counter and a glass of water before returning to sit next to her on the couch. She mumbles a thank you and swallows the pill. He grabs her hand and they walk upstairs to her bathroom together.

They see the glass shards from the bottle sprinkled on the floor from when Lily threw the bottle earlier. Lily bites her lip and sucks in a breath, squeezing Rufus' hand.

"I…should clean that up," Lily says guiltily.

"I'll help, where's your broom?" She shrugs, causing Rufus to laugh. He forgets that Lily never cleans and probably wouldn't know where the supplies are. He leaves the bathroom with Lily's permission, returning with a makeshift broom and duster he found in a linen closet. Lily reaches for the items, wanting to do it herself because she feels ashamed by her previous outburst. Rufus lets her clean up, knowing that an argument from her would just be unnecessary.

"You got mad Lil, its okay to throw things every once in a while," He assures her with a boyish grin. Lily empties the debris in the garbage, turning away from him so he doesn't see her smile.

Rufus offers to help her get undressed, but she wants to try doing it herself. She is able to get her pants and underwear off without any assistance, but her shirt and bra are proving to be difficult.

"Ouch…" Lily murmurs, wincing when she attempts to lift her arms above her head. Rufus grabs onto the hem of her shirt and carefully pulls it off of her, the bra to follow. He reaches around Lily to start the water, unsure if she wants him to step in with her or if he can wait downstairs. Rufus hears nothing from her so he turns to leave, but her hand on his arm stops him. "Can you…?" Her head gestures towards the shower.

Honestly, Rufus is hesitant; he hopes that she isn't asking him because she wants to have sex in the shower. She isn't there yet, especially given the difficult events they have had to work through today. When he feels like that Jack isn't an unwelcome third party in their relationship, then he will ask if she is ready. Lily is still battling with herself to fight Jack's influence over her.

"Of course," Rufus says after a few seconds of silence. He strips while Lily steps in, letting the hot droplets hit her back, loosening some of the tension. Rufus joins her, watching her grab the washcloth she used yesterday. She squeezes a dollop of body wash onto the rag and hands it to him. Rufus furrows his eyebrows, "Lil?"

"I want you to," She needs to be comfortable with Rufus touching her bare flesh. Rufus accepts the washcloth, starting with her shoulders and working his way down. Lily shudders, blocking the memories of Jack's hands all over her which were rough, cold. Rufus' feel quite the opposite; warm and delicate.

He finishes washing her and hands the lilac rag back to her, waiting to see what she is going to do with it. Surprisingly, she reverts back to the wash, squirting more onto the washcloth.

"Can I?" She asks.

"Lil, you don't have to." She nods, brushing a few matted tendrils away from her face.

"I…I feel like I want to." Rufus nods, letting her start to clean him. She can only go as far as his thighs, the bruising still preventing her from bending over. Lily returns the washcloth and faces him. He cups her cheek, leaning in to dust a quick kiss to her lips. Lily accepts his kiss and then quickly backs away. He bites his lip, realizing that he went too fast.

"Lil, I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" She shakes her head, turning the shower off.

"It's not you, it's me. I'm not there yet." They step out of the shower, grabbing their respective towels.

"It's perfectly fine, we will get there soon."

"Okay," Lily mutters, not sure if she believes him. Rufus grabs her hand, not letting her question whether she made the right choice. If she isn't ready, he would rather be aware so they can make the appropriate step at the appropriate time. They get dressed in their pajamas and are left with a choice of whether to go to sleep or prolong it some more. "How about a movie?"

Rufus lets out a deep chuckle at her suggestion. It seems so pedestrian compared to the heavy topics and situations they have been forced into for the past day.

"Sure sweetheart, we can do that." He understands that she just wants to escape into somebody else's life for a couple hours and he is completely okay with it. She is doing remarkably well considering how disastrous this morning was. Hopefully, the combination of the pain medication and the movie will lull her to sleep, the nightmares kept at bay for the night.

The kids end up coming back in the middle of a Harry Dean Stanton movie that Lily chose. Serena and Eric head upstairs, not seeing Rufus or Lily anywhere. Rufus hears the kids and looks down at Lily, seeing her slipping under the surface of sleep. He gets to his feet and cracks open the door, spotting the kids standing outside with heightened worry lines.

"Is she okay?" Serena asks softly.

"Yes, she is sleeping now," Rufus whispers back.

"Okay, we will see you in the morning," Eric says, not wanting to wake up his mother. Rufus says goodnight to the kids and closes the door behind him, climbing back into bed with Lily.

Lily was doing well until about two in the morning, when another nightmare crashed into her. Rufus knows what to do by now; wake her up, see if she is willing to talk about it and then comfort her until she falls back to sleep. Tonight is no exception, except this nightmare seems more of a grip on her than previous ones.

He eases her awake, hating the terror locked in the fissures of her face. She is trembling and crying, clinging to him desperately. Lily reveals to him that her latest nightmare involved Jack threatening Rufus if she wouldn't surrender herself to him. Rufus does his best to calm her fears, but he knows that these nightmares will fade away with time. The best thing to do is battle them as they come.

Rufus and Lily finally rise out of bed at about nine, not being able to fall back asleep until almost four. They go through the same process as yesterday morning; Rufus cooks her and the kids' breakfast while they chat amongst themselves. Lily makes more of an effort to eat the eggs Rufus cooked for her. She is trying to convince herself that she is ready to leave the penthouse. Staying cooped up might not be the best answer either.

"So, mom, what are you going to do today?" Eric asks, trying to start conversation. Lily sets her orange juice down and glances over at Rufus.

"Well…I think I want to go somewhere…" Lily says with a shrug. Rufus is guessing that Lily isn't going to tell her kids the intended destination; knowing that they would try to convince her otherwise.

"That's great mom! You and Rufus could go to the park, or to the loft, or whatever…" Serena trails off, not wanting to overwhelm her mother with suggestions. Eric nods in agreement, glad that Lily is trying to move on since Jack's attack, even if it is something as simple as leaving the safety of the penthouse.

"I am going to get dressed," Lily excuses herself, seeing if she can do this without Rufus help. If she can't, the very least she can do is choose an outfit. Lily puts her dish in the sink and goes upstairs to her bedroom, leaving Rufus, Serena and Eric in the kitchen.

"How is my mom doing, really?" Serena asks. Rufus sighs and swallows his bite of food.

"Yesterday was really hard on her, but your mother is getting better."

"Do you think mom will ever be able to get past this?" Eric wonders out loud. Rufus shrugs his shoulders,

"I don't really know, I think she will be able to move on, but she obviously won't ever be able to forgive what he did to her." Eric and Serena agree, realizing that their mother will be forever changed by Jack Bass.

"Rufus?" The three of them can hear Lily yell from her bedroom.

"That's my call I guess," Rufus says and leaves his dish on the counter. He ventures upstairs and finds Lily dressed in black dress pants, holding an espresso-colored turtleneck in her hands.

"I didn't know I owned more than one turtleneck." His lips split open, her small attempt at humor doesn't go unnoticed by him.

"With your turtlenecks and my flannel, we will be the most fashionable couple on the Upper East Side." His comment earns him one of Lily's famous eye-rolls. He is ecstatic that they are able to slip back into their usual banter for a brief second. After Lily is finished getting dressed, she goes into the bathroom to apply minimal makeup.

"You ready?" Rufus asks, seeing her emerge from the bathroom. Lily nods and their fingers lace together. They bid goodbye to the kids who are getting ready to leave with their own plans for the day.

Lily keeps a tight grip on Rufus as they breeze through the lobby of her apartment complex. Vanya greets them cheerfully and hails them a taxi.

"Okay Lil, are you sure you want to do this?" He ignores the impatient taxi driver waiting for a destination. Lily is unsure, but is willing to take a risk if Rufus is right there with her.

"I think so." Rufus squeezes her hand and leans forward, telling the taxi driver to take them to the opera. Lily is silent the whole way there, keeping her eyes transfixed on the fleeting scenery. Rufus keeps glancing at her, looking to her face for clues as to what she is feeling. She is expressionless as she stares out the window.

The taxi makes the short trip to the opera house, the driver already barking out the fare to the couple as soon as he pulls over. Rufus rolls his eyes and shoves a twenty into the driver's hand. Lily swallows and breaks her staring contest with the window.

"Lil, you can wait in the cab, I will only be a couple minutes." He will pay the driver whatever he wants to babysit Lily while he runs in and collects her phone. Lily opens the car door, too afraid to back out now. Rufus follows and joins her on the sidewalk, grumbling as the taxi peels away. She clasps his hand firmly and glances around just in the off chance she recognizes somebody on the sidewalk.

"Okay…" Lily mumbles to herself and slowly starts walking into the opera, surprised by the stark contrast from when she was here two nights ago. There isn't the constant hum of people eager to get themselves featured on Page Six. The only people that are there are perched behind the counter.

"You okay?" Rufus whispers to her, wondering how she is handling being here. Lily nods, she is curious as to why being at the opera doesn't bother her. They close the gap from the lobby doors to the counter.

"Can I help you?" An older man with salt and pepper hair asks Lily and Rufus. Lily turns her head, her breath catching in her throat when she sees the door to the powder room.

"Yeah, I am here to pick up a clutch that was left here two nights ago," Rufus says. She detaches from him, swiftly walking over to the wooden door. "Lily!" He yells after her, wanting to stop her before she opens the door.

It's too late; Lily swings the door open and steps in, all of the painful memories hitting her at once.

"Oh my god…" Lily chokes out and holds her hand over her mouth.

**A/N 2: I am cutting it there, I hope everyone liked it! What do you guys want to happen next? I WILL be updating **_**Flawed and Fragmented **_**first, but don't let that deter you from leaving a review (please). Thanks for reading and I promise that I will update as soon as possible.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you, thank you, and thank you for all the wonderful reviews that have been thrown my way for this story. I just love receiving them and appreciate everyone that reads my stories. Like I said before, I really don't know how long this is going to become, but I am guessing around 10 or 15 chapters. As usual, this is rated M and I hope this is what you all were looking for!**

**Chapter Four**

_"Yeah, I am here to pick up a clutch that was left here two nights ago," Rufus says. She detaches from him, swiftly walking over to the wooden door. "Lily!" He yells after her, wanting to stop her before she opens the door. _

_ It's too late; Lily swings the door open and steps in, all of the painful memories hitting her at once._

_ "Oh my god…" Lily chokes out and holds her hand over her mouth._

He never understood the phrase, "one steps forward, two steps back," so deeply until now. Yes, it's a cliché, but that doesn't mean that those words don't hold some truth to them. Rufus is stuck between two sure-to-be wrong choices. He could either rush her out of the bathroom, therefore protecting her from the onslaught of hellish memories that are secured here or let her desensitize herself by staying. His eyes slide over to Lily in attempt to gauge her reaction to being here. If she even gives him the slightest hint that she doesn't want to remain in this bathroom, he will whisk her away to a destination of her choosing.

Her tears are teasing her, threatening to break the barrier of her eyelid and spill onto her cheek. A bitter catch-twenty-two is splaying out before her and praying on her emotions. In order for her to get better, she has to confront the painful recollections of her attack, but facing those memories will only drive her further towards another breakdown.

Lily forces herself to tilt her head up, engrossing every detail of the powder room. Her lipstick and panties that Jack threw have vanished, no longer residing in the corner. She chews on her lower lip as her feet shuffle forward, carrying her towards the shattered mirror that has yet to be replaced.

"Sir," The same man that assisted Rufus at the counter, prior to Lily fleeing appears holding her clutch. Lily jumps at the booming voice flowing into the powder room, moving behind Rufus.

"Oh…right…thanks." With Lily suddenly bolting towards the powder room door, Rufus forgot all about her clutch that they came here to pick up. He swipes it from the older gentleman's hands, opening it up to see her cell phone still inside.

"You aren't supposed to be in here," He insists, glowering at Lily and Rufus.

"We need a moment, thank you," Rufus closes and locks the door to the powder room, not offering any other explanation to the man. He doesn't give a damn about where he and Lily aren't allowed to be. Unless she declares that she would like to leave, they are going to stay there for as long as she wants to. "Lil?"

She hears his voice and recognizes the connotation behind it. He is detecting her emotional stability simply by saying her name. If she shows even a hint of distress, he will suggest that it isn't in her best interest to remain at the scene of the crime.

"Yeah?" Damn, her voice sounds gravely, tears aren't far behind. He comes up behind her, a calloused hand resting on her scapula, his green eyes tainted with affection and apprehension.

"Do you want to leave? How do you feel?"

Lily's mouth opens, but no syllable is uttered. She is feeling a myriad of different emotions; scared, angry, sad; opposites are colliding with each other. Lily is attempting to reach for the most dominant feeling, but she isn't sure which one that is.

"I…want to stay…" She says to her own surprise. Rufus quirks an eyebrow, doubt written on his face. He promised himself that he wouldn't interfere and let her make all the decisions, but this might be too much too soon.

"Lil, we don't…" Rufus trails off when he realizes that Lily isn't listening. Instead, she is carefully inching towards the mirror, running her fingers over the spider web contusions in the glass.

He steps closer, wanting to be within arms' reach of her, just in case she needs to use him as a security blanket. Rufus breathes a silent sigh of relief when he sees her blood has been wiped off of the glass. Although, it wouldn't lessen the effect this place now has on her.

Lily traces her fingers over the fragmented glass, the cool metal of the faucet, landing on the edge of the marble counter top where Jack had her pressed up against. Her eyes flutter closed, the action of her blinking sends a tear plummeting down the curve of her cheek. She senses Rufus put a supportive hand on her bicep, squeezing it affectionately.

Rufus is struggling as to how to proceed. He finds it better not to ask Lily any questions; she usually starts offering details on her own. She sniffs and scurries away from the counter, finding it too painful to stand where she was two nights ago.

"I…didn't realize how strong he was until…he had me pinned against the counter…" She whispers, glancing up at him with that all-too-familiar pained expression she has been wearing the past few days. Rufus presses his lips together, knowing from experience that if he interrupts her, she will shut down.

Lily launches into another recollection of the excruciating encounter with Jack as she reaches for Rufus' hand, gliding her thumb over his knuckles as a distraction. She backtracks a bit, filling in the little details she left out when she was telling Rufus in her bedroom yesterday.

_"Noooo!" Lily screams when she realizes that he has her trapped, cornered like an animal. A shit-eating grin slithers onto Jack's lips as he wraps his hand around the back of her head, forcing her to kiss him. She struggles against him, causing him to grip her hips and slam into her harder. Lily whimpers, feeling his ragged breath hot against her ear. _

_ "Do you like that Lily?" He whispers. When Lily doesn't respond, he inches toward her, forcing her bend her back to lessen the tension rising there. He releases one of her wrists from the death grip his fingers have on it to slap her across the face. "Don't make me repeat myself. I will have you moaning my name by the time we are finished."_

_ "Get away from me," Lily whispers, her voice strained from the constant choke-and-release Jack has been doing to her. Jack pumps harder inside of her and pushes her shoulder back, digging it further into the broken glass. A hiss of pain escapes Lily's lips as she desperately tries to rack her brain, thinking of anything to get him off of her. She realizes that her only hope is that Rufus or one of the children has noticed her absence by now and are frantically trying to locate her. _

_ Jack tries once again to kiss her, shoving his tongue deep into her mouth until she gags. Lily whips her head away and uses her free hand to shove his face away from hers. _

_ "Stop fighting, you little bitch and take it!" He locks her wrist over her head, pressing onto it hard, creating deep bruises. Jack squeezes the soft tissue of her right breast as he thrusts into her. Lily cries out in pain just as the door swings open. Jack steps away from her and pulls his pants up, anticipating his nephew coming from behind._

"And…then…Chuck…came and…it was over…" Lily whispers and shakes her head, signaling to him that this is all she can say for the time being. Rufus gathers her in his arms, hearing her weep into his chest.

"You don't need to say anymore honey, you did great." Rufus cards his hands through her hair in attempt to calm her down.

"Can we go? I don't…I can't…" Lily's sobs swallow up the rest of her sentence.

"Of course," Rufus didn't expect her to give that much away about her attack, but he is glad that she did. He just wishes that it wouldn't have such a profound effect on her, leaving her in shambles every time she talks about it. Lily pulls away from him, wiping the black marks off of her cheeks left there from her mascara mixing with her tears.

"Okay…" Lily whispers, signaling to him that she is ready to leave the powder room. Rufus hands her the clutch and snags her hand, reaching forward to open the door. Lily slinks behind him just in case the man that told them that they weren't allowed in the bathroom is outside waiting. She is very wary of strangers at the moment, especially men.

Rufus steps out first, keeping a firm grip on Lily's hand. She ducks behind him, letting him lead her out of the opera. Lily has no desire to return here anytime soon and hopefully she won't have to.

They call a car, Rufus biting his lip when he remembers that he wanted to stop at the loft. He forgot to grab more clothes when he was there, mostly due to a phone call from Eric asking him to return to the penthouse as soon as possible. Rufus wraps an arm around Lily's trembling frame; she hasn't stopped shaking since she first stepped into that bathroom.

"Lil, do you mind if we stop at the loft before we go back to the penthouse? I want to grab some clothes." Lily runs her hand along her cheek, collecting some tears that have fallen.

"I-I…guess…" Lily doesn't want to tell him that she doesn't want to go anywhere back to the penthouse. She wants to hide under her comforter and cry for forcing herself into going back to the opera before she was ready. Lily knows that Rufus has to get some new clothes and she isn't comfortable leaving his side yet.

"I promise it will be quick and then we can get you home, okay?" Lily gives him a half-nod just as the car is pulling up to the curb. They climb in and she presses up against his side, burying her head in his flannel.

"I hate being like this," Lily admits softly. Rufus bends his head, his chin colliding with the top of her head.

"Lil, you have the right to feel however you want to feel." He is utterly amazed that she is revealing this to him. Rufus wants to bring up the fact that she should give the police her statement, but this might not be the right time. She is already overwhelmed by the vivid flashbacks she had at the opera, it's not the appropriate time to be aggravating her with the mention of calling the police station.

Lily doesn't say anything else back because the truth is, she has so many feelings about her rape; she isn't sure which is the right one to express. As much as Rufus has been there for her, she can't explain how she actually feels to him because he wouldn't understand it. It's not his fault of course, but he isn't in her position. He couldn't comprehend what it's like to have the sensation that you are drowning and the only person that can save you is yourself, only you can't figure out how.

Regardless of what Rufus or anyone else says or does, she is still going to have nightmares, she is still going to be afraid to be intimate with Rufus until one day; she isn't. The only person standing in her way is herself and that is what the most frustrating thing to her is.

"Lil…we are here. You don't have to come in you know, I am sure the kids will understand if you stay in the car." _Oh, right, Serena and Eric are with Dan and Jenny at the loft. _Lily forgot that Serena told them this morning that she was going over to Rufus' loft to see Dan and Eric presumably came with her to spend some time with Jenny.

"No…I'll come in…can we only stay for a little bit, though?"

"I will just fill a bag with some clothes; I promise it will take less than ten minutes." Lily nods slowly and sits back while Rufus slides out of the town car. He holds his hand out to her, grinning slightly when she reaches for it with confidence. She eases her feet onto the pavement below, swallowing a wince from a spasm radiating up her back. Lily wishes that she could wait in the car, but she is trying to prevent herself from being alone, knowing that the flashbacks she just experienced will swallow her whole.

Rufus swings open the door to the loft, seeing Dan sitting on the couch, Serena sitting in his lap. Eric and Jenny are on the bar stools eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The kids stop what they are doing and look at the couple, wondering why they are here. Lily shrinks back, not wanting the children to see the remnants of her latest breakdown written on her face.

"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" Serena asks, being the first to break the awkward silence. She can see her mom hiding behind Rufus and is confused as to why she looks so rattled. _Where could they have gone before this that would produce that terrified look on her face? _Serena asks herself.

"I forgot to pick up some clothes the last time I was here," Rufus tells Serena and doesn't allow them to ask him or Lily any more questions. He brings Lily into his room, shutting the door behind them.

Lily sits on the bed while Rufus rummages through his closet, throwing random things into a bag. He turns, seeing her sitting on his bed, still quivering. Rufus chucks another flannel shirt into the duffel and zips it up. He has enough to last him a couple of days and he can tell Lily really doesn't want to be here, although she is attempting to conceal it.

"Are…you ready?" She asks softly. He swings the bag onto his shoulder and gives her a clipped nod. They lace their fingers together and open the door, seeing the children tracking them with their eyes. Rufus turns his head to look at Lily, seeing her bury into herself. He can tell that she feels scrutinized by the children, knowing that they want to ask her how she is doing. Rufus feels like he should be the one to say something because he realizes that she won't. He lets go of her head, brushes a kiss to her hair and pushes her towards the door. Lily throws him a confusing glance over her shoulder while she hugs Serena and Eric goodbye. She doesn't approach Dan or Jenny, merely giving them a wave. They haven't reached that level of closeness for Lily, Dan and Jenny to be exchanging hugs.

"I'll be just a second," Rufus promises her. Lily narrows her eyes at him, but closes the door to the loft anyway. Rufus faces the four kids, letting out a frustrated breath. "Guys, I think it would be best if you didn't come back to the penthouse until dinnertime. Lil needs some space right now." Serena and Eric's eyes pool with concern for their mother, but Rufus is right.

"So I am guessing my mom's attempt at leaving the penthouse backfired, huh?" Serena quips.

"Yeah…I should go, she's out there waiting." Rufus says goodbye to his and Lily's kids. Lily immediately reattaches herself to him as they walk outside and into the car.

About halfway home, Lily finally finds her voice again and pulls her head away from Rufus' shoulder.

"What did you tell the children?" Rufus swallows, he isn't sure if his answer will offend her or not, but he isn't going to lie. He is the only person that Lily trusts right now and he doesn't wish to give her any reason to doubt that.

"I told them that you need some space and they should stay at the loft for a while."

"Oh…" Lily is oddly annoyed and appreciative of what he did for her. She is glad that he is able to read her well enough to make decisions on her behalf, but he of all people should be aware of her need to be in control. By asking the kids to stay away for the time being, he took some of that away from her.

"I'm sorry Lil; I just thought you should have some time to yourself." He discovers that maybe he overstepped when it came to her kids, but he was only doing it in her best interest.

"It's okay…I just want to be home." Lily doesn't have any plans to leave the confines of the penthouse any time soon. She fiddles with her phone, seeing many missed calls, voicemails and text messages from the past few days. Lily has no desire to check those either.

Rufus watches her manipulate her cell phone, scrolling through her text messages and then putting the device back in the clutch. His eyebrows furrow, curious as to why she isn't checking her voice mails as well, maybe it's because she is afraid the police are contacting her for a statement.

He shelves that conversation when they are back in the safety of her home. She needs some time to decompress from the opera and seeing the kids at the loft.

Rufus and Lily breeze past Vanya in the lobby of the apartment building, heading straight towards the elevator. Lily steps off the elevator and walks over to her kitchen cabinets. He follows behind her, wanting to see what she intends on doing. She stands on her tip-toes to grab a bottle of Jack Daniels, swirling the cap off and taking a long swig of the beverage.

He stands back, letting her take a few sips of alcohol. Rufus doesn't want her to drown in the bottle, but a little liquid therapy isn't going to kill her. The popping sound of the bottle detaching from her lips is the only sound heard in the penthouse. She puts the cap back on, but doesn't return it to the cabinet. Instead, she hands it to him, which he graciously accepts.

"I'm going to…change, I'll be upstairs…" Lily mutters while he helps himself to the alcohol she gave him.

"Okay," Rufus says and almost leans over to kiss her as she brushes past him. It seems weird to him not to be exchanging kisses with her when they separate, so much so that he almost did it without a thought. It's like muscle memory to him because of how much they would swap kisses before her attack. Just two mornings ago they were making out in the kitchen before and after the kids interrupted them. Their relationship has regressed into a series of firsts again. He heavily sighs, takes one last sip and puts the bottle back where Lily found it, heading up to the bedroom to check on her.

Rufus opens the door to her bedroom, not finding any wrinkles made in her bed. He walks deeper into the room, hovering at the entrance of her massive walk-in closet. Lily has stripped down to only her jet black bra with matching underwear and is dissecting herself in the mirror.

Her hand skims over the curve of her neck, over the angry bite marks and bruises residing there. She turns slightly to the side, exposing herself to the dark abrasions on her back. Lily faces the mirror again and glides her hand down to inner thigh on the left side, repelling the limb when it hits a particular tender spot. Tears well up in her eyes, spilling down her cheeks at an alarming rate as Rufus closes the gap between them.

"Why…did he do this to me?" Lily whispers, looking to him for answers that he cannot give to her. He wishes that he could offer her a perfectly logical explanation as to why Jack Bass decided to rape her, but he can't because there isn't one.

"I don't know Lil…he is a miserable son of a bitch." Rufus shrugs, knowing that his words aren't exactly providing any comfort to her. She uses her finger to flick away a tear, spinning to face him, not wanting to look at herself any longer.

"You asked me how I feel…I feel…ugly," Lily fumbles with her sentence, leaning her head into his chest as she cries. Rufus wraps his arms around her, looking up to hide tears of his own threatening to fall. Lily has never been this vulnerable to him prior to her attack.

"No Lil, you only see the bruises, but you are still just as beautiful now as you were two days ago." Lily furrows her eyebrows at him, doubt seeping into the wrinkles on her face. She can't see how Rufus still finds her desirable to him when she looks like this.

"Can I…kiss you?" Lily doesn't know why, but she wants to express her gratitude in another way besides just simply saying thank you.

"Sure, of course," Rufus is caught off guard by her asking, usually she just does it; whether it is a good morning kiss shared over coffee, a see-you-later kiss as she scrambles out the door or a good night kiss that eventually escalates.

Lily leans forward, pressing her lips to his, her first initiation of intimacy between the two of them since before her rape. Her kiss is very timid, quick and awkward.

Rufus resists the urge to wrap his arms around her or to part their lips to kiss her deeper. This kiss needs to be on her terms, he doesn't want to scare her like he did when he kissed her earlier in the shower.

Their lips come apart with a smack, Lily stands back from him, touching her lips, sensing the spark ebbing off of them. She wants to push herself to give him more, but she isn't ready.

"I'm sorry…I can't…" She finds it hard to articulate herself to him, too afraid that if she says the wrong thing he will become upset with her. In the back of her mind, she knows that Rufus is patient and loyal to a fault, he is going to stay even if it's out of obligation.

"Sweetheart it is fine, why don't you get dressed? I want to talk to you about something." Lily chews on her lower lip as she nods, she can venture a guess as to what Rufus wishes to discuss with her.

"Okay…" Lily searches through her drawers, looking for comfortable clothing that will still conceal all of her bruising. Regardless of the fact that it's only mid afternoon, Lily is perfectly content with wearing her pajamas.

Rufus assists her into getting dressed and convinces her to sit on her bed with him. He hands her the clutch they went to pick up. Lily's eyebrows shoot together, wondering what he is trying to accomplish. He is taking a big risk, realizing that what he is about to do will probably end up upsetting her, but it will undoubtedly get his point across.

"Why are you giving me this?" Lily asks, opening up the clutch and taking her phone out.

"Did the police call you?"

"Rufus…" She protests, having figured out what their conversation is going to be about. He holds up his hand, already having a counter-argument thought out.

"Honey, I know you don't want to do this, but trust me, you will feel better." Lily is well aware of how stubborn Rufus can be about certain things, but this isn't his decision, it's hers. If she doesn't want to give her statement about the rape, he shouldn't make her.

"I can't even talk about it with you, how am I supposed to tell strangers? What if they don't believe me? Or, what if, God forbid, I have to see him again? Did you even think about that Rufus?" Lily is throwing all sorts of questions at him, working herself up. He can tell she is really angry, not at the situation, but at _him. _

Rufus opens his mouth to defend himself and explain to her that he will be there every step of the way for her, but she doesn't give him the chance.

"You didn't, did you? This isn't about you Rufus, this is my choice and _I don't want to do it._" Lily heaves herself off of the bed and walks into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. Rufus heavily sighs and rubs his face in his hands. He pushed her too far and now her walls are up in full force.

Rufus approaches the bathroom door, knocking on it lightly. He can hear her crying on the other side and hates himself for doing this to her.

"Leave me alone," Lily cries, curling up into a ball on the tile floor. Rufus isn't giving up that easily, he sits on the floor outside of the bathroom, waiting for her to ask him in.

From inside, Lily rests her hand on the floor, pushing herself up so her back isn't pressed up against the bathtub. The glass shards left behind from when she swept up earlier dig into her hand, causing blood to emerge from her hand. She hisses, drawing her hand away from the cool tile, watching blood trickle down to the bend of her wrist.

"Damn it," Lily whispers and staggers to her feet, swinging open the door to see Rufus plopped on the carpeting right outside of the door. She holds up her injured hand, which is now trembling again.

"We should get that cleaned up," Rufus says, hoping that she didn't draw blood on purpose. Lily nods and uses her unaffected hand to clasp his as they walk downstairs.

Rufus washes her hand, not mentioning anything about their previous conversation that ended so disastrously. Lily rolls her lips together to prevent from screaming from the intense stinging of the hot water pouring into her wound.

"Do you have anything that I can wrap this with?" Rufus asks, garnering her attention. Lily points to the same linen closet he found the broom in earlier, sending him off in that direction. He returns with some gauze and scissors, carefully bandaging up her hand in silence.

"I'm sorry…Rufus, I know you are just trying to help." Lily mumbles, looking up at him while he is concentrating on her cut. He finishes wrapping up her hand and presses a hand to her cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

"I'm sorry too; I didn't mean to upset you. We can wait to call them. Lil?" She breaks her staring contest with her wrapped up hand to lock eyes with him.

"What?"

"I'm not leaving, okay? I'll go to the police station and sit there with you if you want." Lily gives him a closed lipped smile; she thought that her little outburst a few minutes ago would drive him away for good. She had no right to blow up at him like that, but she felt that he was unfairly pressuring her.

"Okay…I'll call them…then can we just not think about this for awhile?" Rufus reaches on the bed to grab up her cell phone, depositing it in her hands.

"You are doing the right thing Lil," Rufus assures her as she is dialing the number the cop left for her. Lily sits down next to him, but doesn't respond. She doesn't understand where this sudden need for justice came from inside of Rufus, but she doesn't feel as strongly about this as he does. If it meant that Jack would disappear from her life forever without going through a trial than Lily would be okay with that. However, Jack got arrested for his crime so that no longer seems like a plausible option. And since Rufus is obviously not going to drop this subject until she does something about it, so she is.

She dials the number that Chuck gave them during his visit, nervously playing with the fabric of her cardigan. Rufus notices her fidgeting and twines their fingers together. Lily converses with someone on the other end for a while, her tone getting more agitated as the conversation goes on.

"Does it have to be that soon...? Well he isn't going anywhere is he? Fine…yes…I understand…okay…thank you…bye." Lily hangs up the phone in a huff, ducking her head away from Rufus'.

"What did they say?" Rufus asks instantly, barely giving her the chance to get a word out. Lily frustratingly groans and leans her head on his shoulder.

"They want me to come in as soon as possible….apparently his lawyer is pushing for his immediate release." Rufus unconsciously clenches his fist, just the thought of Jack being out of jail and able to come after Lily leaves him on edge.

"When do you want to go?" He is smart enough to leave the option up to her, something he didn't do before. Rufus knows that Lily doesn't want anyone to be aware of her attack, but unfortunately that choice has been taken out of their hands. At least they will be able to punish Jack for what he did to her.

"Uh…I don't know…I need to…lie down for a bit…" Lily has been thrown into one stressful situation to the next ever since her attack. Even though there is a high probability that her nightmares will return, she wants to at least try to get some sleep as a reprieve from all the anxiety she is feeling.

"Sure, can I join you or do you want to be alone?" Rufus watches Lily contemplate his question. She has been needing to be within reaching distance of him since he found her in that bathroom, but now she is starting to become less clingy which may or may not be showing progress in her.

"Can you lay with me?" She pulls back the covers, inviting him in. Rufus kicks off his shoes and slides in, resuming their normal sleeping position. Lily turns to face him, running her finger over the rough stubble forming over the past few days.

"You're going to be okay Lil." He promises her, a smile forming parenthesis around his lips. Lily gives him a watery grin, tears building up in her eyes. She closes her eyes, moving closer to him. Rufus wraps his arm around her, letting himself drift off to sleep. Lily hears his breathing even out before she tilts her head up, hoping that she is going to be able to say it.

"I…love you," her voice is soft and thick with tears. She has wanted to say that to him for the past couple of days. He has more than proved his love for her and she has been unable to reciprocate. Lily hopes that their relationship is going to one day return to how it was before the attack. She misses their constant bantering and displays of affection towards each other.

After Rufus and Lily wake up, he asks if she wants something to eat before they head to the police station. Lily automatically declines; her stomach is a conglomeration of nervous butterflies that erupted ever since she dialed the precinct two hours ago.

Serena and Eric haven't returned from the loft yet, which is good for Lily since she doesn't want to talk about giving her statement with her children. She knows that her kids will support her in whatever she does, but she is afraid that her kids will either convince her she isn't ready or they will push her like Rufus did.

The taxi ride to the police station seems unbelievably short to Lily. Rufus hands the driver the fare and nudges her, wondering if she is actually going to step out of the car. Lily swallows, fear heightening her worry lines. Rufus snatches her hand, giving it a gentle and reassuring squeeze. He can sense how scared she is and doesn't blame her. Rufus hopes that the New York Police Department will make this painless as possible for her. He also hopes that the cops have the common sense to keep Jack far away from Lily. She doesn't need to see him, especially not after the day she has had today.

"You okay Lil? We don't have to do this today," Rufus reminds her. Lily bites her lip; she may not come back if they leave now. She doesn't want this looming over her head forever; it wouldn't aid her recovery in any way.

"No, let's go," Lily opens the car door and steps onto the sidewalk. Rufus follows and senses her grip his hand tightly. They walk into the seventeenth precinct together, speaking to an officer at the reception desk.

"Hi, she needs to give her statement to a Detective…um…Nolan, I believe," Rufus says for Lily who is fighting with every in her not to run. The uninterested officer tells the couple to have a seat while she contacts Officer Nolan. Lily stares with disdain at the wooden bench they have been asked to sit in. Rufus conceals his laughter in his hand and wraps an arm around her waist. She shifts her some of her weight onto him, choosing to stand rather than sit on the disease-infested bench.

Detective Nolan, a mid-thirties, African American man comes out to greet them, weaving Rufus and Lily through the precinct to an empty interrogation room.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water?" The cop asks the couple, trying to maintain a friendly demeanor. Lily and Rufus both request coffee, sending Detective Nolan outside to the espresso machine. He comes back in holding two steaming cups of coffee for Lily and Rufus who are already sitting at the metallic table.

"So…Mrs. Bass…" Lily shudders at the use of her last name, not wanting to be associated to anything or anyone besides Chuck using that moniker.

"Please, call me Lily," She feels Rufus put a supportive hand on her uninjured shoulder. The detective notices that and pauses in his interview.

"Are you going to be present for this, sir?" Detective Nolan asks Rufus. Rufus looks to Lily who is going to be the deciding factor on whether he stays or leaves.

"I want him here," Lily speaks up; she doesn't think she can do this without him. The detective softens, having done many interviews with women just like Lily who have the same distressed expression that she is displayed on her face right now.

"Sure Lily, he can be in here, but you are going to have to tell me what happened." Detective Nolan directs his attention to Lily. She is trying not to wither under his penetrating gaze.

"Okay…Rufus and I went to the opera two nights ago; we recently became a couple after my husband Bart died…" Lily is giving him unnecessary details, but she has to ease herself into talking about her rape. The only person that has heard her talk about it is Rufus. Lily doesn't know this detective and is pretty sure their conversation is being recorded right now.

"Anyway…um…we went there with my daughter and his son and it was during intermission. I went to the powder room to freshen up and told Rufus to wait for me in the lobby…." Lily lets out a shuddering breath, knowing what comes next.

"Lily, are you okay? We can take a break if you want," Detective Nolan assures her. She is really getting tired of people asking her if she is okay. She won't be okay for a long time and to be honest, that question irritates her more than helps her.

"I'm fine…I was putting my lipstick on when he came in…"

"Who's he? I need you to say his name for the record." A tear slips down the arc of Lily's cheek. She hasn't said Jack since she was screaming at him to stop hurting her.

Rufus wants to step in and make this easier on her, but he has to be a silent observer during the interview. He doesn't want to get kicked out by Detective Nolan and force Lily to have to give her statement by herself. She is already falling apart and they have barely begun.

"J….Jack….Jack Bass, he was the one who…raped me." Detective Nolan scribbles down a note on his pad and glances up Lily, gesturing for her to continue. "So um…I tried to move around him, but he grabbed me and shoved me against the wall."

While Lily is recounting most of what she already told Rufus earlier, he can see tears flowing down her face. This has to be impossible for her to do, as it would be for anyone, but she is doing remarkable. Lily needs gaps in her story to take a breath and convince herself to keep going.

"I have to ask Lily, did Jack use a condom?" Lily blanches at Detective Nolan's question. The thought didn't even cross her mind until now. Her eyes dart over to Rufus who looks as queasy as she feels.

"No…he didn't…" Lily covers her mouth, hoping that the cop didn't see her lip quiver. Rufus rubs her upper back, steering clear of her bandaged shoulder.

"I'm sorry; please continue…you are doing great."

"Are we almost done?" Lily can't do this for much longer; the flashbacks are only getting stronger the more she talks about her attack.

"I...don't know, why don't you continue for as long as you can?" Detective Nolan can tell Lily is becoming agitated by the clipped tone laced into her question.

"Um…sure…where was I?" Lily asks the officer. She gives a cautionary rub of her eyes, feeling the wetness from her tears pool onto the pads of her fingertips. It's no use really, because as soon as she starts talking, the tears are going to start falling again.

"Jack just hiked up your skirt," Detective Nolan says in a nonchalant tone, as if they are simply talking about a scandalous rendezvous between two people and not a brutal attack. Lily massages her temples and sets her hands back on the table.

"Right…um…so he rips off my underwear and…" Lily describes to the officer how Jack forced himself inside of her, squeezing her breasts, pushing her shoulder further into the glass mirror or choking her if she would fight him.

Lily chokes on a sob and shakes her head, turning to Rufus after she is finished for comfort. He snakes his arms around her and lets her cry into his shoulder.

"She's done," Rufus mouths over to Detective Nolan, hoping that the officer won't ask Lily anymore questions. Lily has reached her mental capacity for the day from visiting the opera, to injuring her hand and having to relive that horrible night once again for the police.

"Okay…Lily you did fantastic, but I am going to have you to do one more thing before you leave." Lily sniffs and draws herself away from Rufus, wondering what else she could possibly have to deal with today.

"What?" The nervous expression on the detective's face is making Lily uneasy.

"I am going to have to ask you to do a line-up." Lily's stomach twists at the thought of having to see Jack again even if it's behind a glass wall.

"Why does she have to do that? You already arrested him," Rufus is annoyed that the police didn't mention anything about doing a line-up when Lily spoke to them on the phone.

"Well…it would help substantiate Lily's story that much more." Lily furrows her eyebrows, it sounds like the detective is hiding something from her.

"What is going on?" Lily asks Detective Nolan directly, not appreciating the cops approach to her.

"There is no easy way to tell you this, but Jack Bass claims that the two of you had consensual sex in that bathroom…." The detective doesn't get to finish his sentence because Lily and Rufus interrupt him.

"_What?" _They both say in the same exasperated voice. Rufus glances at Lily who is shaking. He can tell by the stiffening of her jaw and reddish hue of her face how furious she is.

Lily feels tricked by the NYPD. First, they arrest Jack for what he did to her, then they drag her down here for her statement only to be told by the detective handling her case that Jack has told them a completely different version of the events that transpired. A part of Lily thinks that the reason the police were so insistent on her giving her statement in person is so they could see her personally deteriorate over the details of her rape. They don't know who to believe, her or Jack.

"Do you need to see my fucking bruises Detective Nolan?" Lily spits out. Rufus' eyes widen as he suddenly gets the urge to high five Lily. He is astounded by her out-of-character question and he couldn't be more proud.

The detective is unfazed by Lily's question, he understands her aggravation.

"No, I can assure you that based on your exam done at the hospital along with the pictures taken, nobody will believe Jack Bass' story. I can absolutely guarantee you that." Lily relaxes and blushes, the realization of what she just said is washing over her.

"I'm sorry detective; I know you are just trying to do your job. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." She shouldn't be getting mad at Detective Nolan is who trying his best to help her. "I can do the line-up, but I really would like to leave right after that."

Detective Nolan gives her a reassuring smile and his promise that she is free to leave after she does what is asked of her.

"If you would excuse me, I have to get the line-up prepared for you." Detective Nolan gives the couple a few minutes to unwind. Rufus leans forward and presses a kiss to Lily's forehead.

"I love you, you know that?" Rufus is still baffled by what Lily said to the officer. It was just so unlike her, but perfectly tailored to this situation. He is relieved that she was able to release some of her pent up frustration about this whole ordeal even if it was at somebody else's expense.

Lily cracks a grin, but doesn't say it back. She is a bundle of nerves; her attention is solely focused on seeing Jack in the line-up. When Lily says those three words back to Rufus when he isn't fast asleep, she would rather put some meaning behind it.

Detective Nolan comes back in, gesturing for Lily and Rufus to follow him. The cop leads them into another interrogation room, but puts them on the other side of the glass.

"Okay…Lily, I am not going to pretend I can understand how hard this is going to be for you. All we need is either verbal or written confirmation from you that Jack Bass is the one that raped you." Lily appreciates the detective's candor towards her. She is glad she didn't get stuck with an officer who hasn't coddled her but still comprehends the seriousness of her case.

"Sure…okay…" Lily snags Rufus' hand, needing his support to do the line-up.

"So, another officer is going to call a number, the person is going to step forward, turn to the side and then step back. That will continue until you identify him. Remember, you can see them, but they aren't able to see you." Lily gives a nod and Detective Nolan signals to another officer to start the line-up.

One by one, men fitting Jack's description step forward, turn and then return to their spot. The spotlight shines on number six and Lily reflexively steps away from the mirrored glass. Jack is staring blankly ahead with a smug grin adorning his lips and then he twists to the side. Lily's hand is shaking so fiercely that she drops the pen and paper Detective Nolan gave to her. Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek and digs his nails into the palm of his hand, creating deep half-moons.

Based on the couple's reaction, they have spotted Jack Bass in the line-up. However, the detective needs for Lily to confirm this by either saying it or writing the number down.

"Lily, I need some kind of sign from you that you have seen your attacker." Lily can barely see through the blur her tears have created. She glances out the glass sheath to see the prisoners being shuffled out of the interrogation room. Rufus glides his thumb over her knuckles in a soothing gesture.

"N…number six, that was him…that was J-J-Jack Bass…excuse me." She bolts from the comfort of Rufus to find a bathroom. Rufus races after her, knowing exactly where she is headed. His heart rips apart when the sounds of her heaving reverberate through the walls of the bathroom. He comes up behind her and tucks her hair behind her, running his hand up and down her spine until she is done. Rufus grabs a disposable cup and fills it with water, handing it to her.

"It's okay baby, we can go home…come here," Rufus brings her trembling frame up against him. Lily collapses against him, her sobs muffled by his jacket, her arms band around his waist, pressing him as close as she can to her while she cries.

Rufus regrets pushing her to give her statement today; he didn't think it would be this drastic. He hates the NYPD for making her go through this process. She wasn't ready to talk about her attack with somebody else besides him and she certainly wasn't up to seeing Jack. This didn't do anything to assist in her recovery, if anything; it pushed it back by several weeks. He hates to admit that he is in over his head and he really doesn't know how to help her.

Lily whimpers quietly and steps away from him, not even bothering to look in the mirror. She wants to do something before she walks out of the precinct, but Rufus will fight her every step of the way on this.

"Rufus, I want to see him…I need to talk to Jack."

**A/N 2: TAH DAH! I am leaving you lovely people here to ponder what I am going to do next. I realize that I may have written Lily a little out of character, but please allow me some wiggle room here. Your input is at the upmost importance to me and I will continue updating this for a while, just as long as there is a steady flow of reviews. Thanks so much for reading; you will hear from me soon!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I think I have run out of adjectives to use for how grateful I am for every single review I have received. I am so happy that you guys are encouraging me to keep going with this; I honestly didn't think I was up to the task. All I have is the usual reminder of the mature content of this story and the hope that I haven't offended anyone. Enjoy chapter five!**

**Chapter Five**

_Lily whimpers quietly and steps away from him, not even bothering to look in the mirror. She wants to do something before she walks out of the precinct, but Rufus will fight her every step of the way on this._

_ "Rufus, I want to see him…I need to talk to Jack."_

As soon as she says it, he is automatically shaking his head. There are a million and one reasons as to why Lily seeing Jack is a terrible idea. She has been through enough today. Her request is hasty and bordering on self-destructive. He needs to find a way to sway her in his direction and still give her the right to make her own decision.

"Honey…let's go home, you have had enough to deal with today," Rufus says in a gentle voice and rubs his thumb on her shoulder. Lily turns towards him, she understands his objection to her idea, but this isn't about him. She needs to prove to Jack that he doesn't have this intense grip on her that she knows he has. Even though the mere sight of him caused her to rush into the bathroom to throw up, she needs to see him to reinforce this idea that she is still the strong woman she was before Jack violated her.

"No…Rufus, please, I…can't explain it…I just need to see him." Rufus can hear the conviction in her tone and it surprises him. He realizes her stubbornness holds no bounds, when she gets an idea into her head, she will do everything in her power to make sure it happens.

Lily will see Jack with or without Rufus consent. She would rather have him on board with her plan because she is scared that he will leave her here to fend for herself. That isn't Rufus though, but a part of her is faintly annoyed with him. He proclaims that she is in full control of her own choices, but every time she makes one he doesn't agree with, he limits that power.

Rufus is very uneasy about her seeing Jack; based on her reaction from the line-up, she isn't ready. He is afraid that Lily is overestimating her ability to cope with her attack. Of course he will stand by her no matter what her decision is, but he would feel guilty if he didn't voice his doubts to her.

"Okay, but I want to come with you." Lily fiercely shakes her head, bringing Rufus along would only rile Jack up further. She wants a one-on-one conversation with Jack so they can say everything they need to say to each other.

"No…I have to do this alone…" Rufus has unfortunately seen what Jack is capable of doing to Lily and he doesn't want her to be hurt any more by him.

"Fine, but I want an officer with you and Lil; keep your distance from him." The last thing that Rufus wants to happen is for Jack to lay a hand on Lily again. Lily appreciates Rufus being protective of her and will agree to his terms. She doesn't want to be completely alone in a room with Jack anyways, but having Rufus there would be too difficult.

"Okay…I'm ready," she whispers, facing the mirror to get a look at herself. She doesn't want any tear tracks or smudged makeup to be visible when she sees Jack. He doesn't need to know how much she has been crying over him since he raped her.

Rufus reaches for her hand, showing his unwavering support for her. A grin tugs at the corner of Lily's lips, but it doesn't quite stretch across her face. She leans on him as they step out of the bathroom, seeing Detective Nolan approach them with a concern look ensconced in his eyes.

"Lily, I am so sorry to have put you through the line-up. I hope that you feel comfortable with the department pursuing your case." Lily frowns, she didn't have a say in the matter before all of this, why is he giving her one now? Her eyes flicker up to Rufus who has his head turned slightly in confusion, possibly thinking the same thing as her. She presses her lips together, guilt is a powerful emotion. The detective didn't expect such a strong reaction from her and feels remorseful about forcing her into seeing Jack, so his apology is a way of vindicating himself.

"Oh…um…thank you detective…I would actually like to see J...Jack." Lily still struggles with saying Jack, the name gets mangled in her mouth. She would much rather use a pronoun to imply that she wasn't actually familiar with the person that raped her, when in fact, it was her ex-brother-in-law.

The detective quirks an eyebrow, clearly he is siding with Rufus on this as well. Lily doesn't value Detective Nolan's opinion nearly as much as Rufus', but he has the ability to prevent her from visiting Jack.

"Lily, based on what happened in the interrogation room, I would strongly advise against that. It would probably be best if you let Rufus take you home." Lily bites her tongue to stop herself from lashing out at the detective for the second time. She can get home on her own perfectly fine without any assistance from Rufus.

Rufus can sense the irritation radiating off of Lily. He is aware that she is tired of people telling her what's best for her. That doesn't change the fact that he and the detective are just serving in her best interest. He squeezes her hand, communicating to her that he will defend her choice even if he doesn't agree with it.

"Detective, I understand your concern, but all we are asking for is five minutes. Send one of your officers back with Lily and don't let Jack anywhere near her." Detective Nolan is fighting a losing battle with the couple, so he complies.

"Alright…Officer Conrad will take her back to see Mr. Bass." The detective motions for a stocky older cop that is standing in the reception area. Lily gives a tiny grin of appreciation and twists to face Rufus who looks very apprehensive.

"I'll be here when you are done," he tells her. Lily nods, too scared to say anything to him right now. She wants to reassure him that she will be alright with seeing Jack, but she can't because then she would be lying. Rufus gives her a swift kiss on the cheek and nudges her towards the awaiting officer. He is hoping against all odds that she returns from speaking to Jack without falling to pieces.

Lily follows behind the officer assigned to her down an empty corridor, anxiously wringing her hands. The thought of turning around and running back to Rufus has constantly been on her mind. She keeps walking forward; she has committed herself to doing this, even if it terrifies her.

"Miss, I would advise you to keep close to me, we are heading into the holding cells now," Officer Conrad instructs Lily. Lily opens her mouth, but shuts it as a loud buzz interrupts her. The officer immediately hugs the wall and Lily follows suit, bypassing all the other convicts with their arms outstretched. When they reach the end of the catwalk, the officer stops and turns to Lily, signaling that this is Jack's cell. Lily steps forward, swallowing deeply at the sight of Jack sitting on a bench, arrogantly smirking at her. The officer stands against the wall, letting Jack and Lily have their conversation.

Lily clears her throat and shoves her trembling hands into the pockets of her trench coat. She is attempting to maintain her calm façade, although her own body is working against her. Jack stands up, slowly shaking his head and smiling, this is his chance to get under her skin.

"Well Lily, I didn't expect to see you here, have you come back for more?" Jack asks her, coiling his fingers around the iron of the bars. Lily shudders and tilts her head up, stepping forward an inch. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily can see Officer Conrad push off the wall slightly, ready to intervene if she gets too close to Jack.

"No, I wanted to make sure that you were behind bars where you belong," Lily states, hating how much her voice is shaking. A throaty chuckle escapes Jack's lips; he has to hand it to Lily for being here. He didn't think that she would want to come within fifty feet of him.

"This is only temporary until my lawyer can post bail. Then I'm coming for you, Lily and we can finish what we started." Lily instinctively backs away until she hits the brick wall behind her.

"No…that won't happen, you are finished," she says confidently, reigning in her emotions for the time being. Jack clicks his tongue and shakes his head.

"Oh Lily…look how scared you are. Rufus will never want to touch you again, you are damaged goods; I ruined you." Tears are building up in Lily's eyes and she jerks her head away, not letting Jack see her cry.

"Alright, that's enough," Officer Conrad warns Jack. Lily sniffs and gives Jack a death glare as she takes swift strides out of the holding cells. She manages to hold back the tears and navigate her way back to Rufus without the officer escorting her.

"Lil," Rufus says, holding his arms out for her. She collapses into sobs against him, letting free of all of her emotions that were repressed in front of Jack.

"He's c-c-coming a…after me…Rufus," Lily cries into his shoulder. Rufus stiffens and releases his hold on her, his face turning red with fury.

"Wait here," Rufus grounds out and takes off in the direction that she came from.

"Rufus!" Lily calls out, but doesn't chase him, not having any desire to return to the place that Jack is being held.

Rufus is determinedly marching back towards the holding cells, the door being left open from when Lily was there only seconds ago. He rushes past Officer Conrad who asks what he is doing here.

"Listen you miserable son of a bitch, if you ever lay a hand on Lily again, I will kill you!" Rufus yells at Jack, reaching in and grabbing him by the collar of his orange jumpsuit. Jack laughs as the officer clutches Rufus, pulling him away from Jack.

"Rufus, I was wondering when you would show up. I just had a nice conversation with Lily, it seems like she missed me. Now tell me, does she moan my name in her sleep?" Rufus lunges toward Jack again,

"You piece of shit…" Officer Conrad yanks on Rufus' jacket, easily overpowering him.

"Alright, that's enough!" Officer Conrad warns Jack and Rufus. Jack sits back down on the metallic bench and picks up the book he was reading. Rufus holds his hands up and pivots on his heels. The cop escorts Rufus back to the reception area where Lily is waiting. She is curled up on the bench she previously refused to touch, crying quietly.

"Hey baby, I'm here," Rufus sits next to her, draping his arm around the middle of her torso. Lily leans into him, clutching the collar of his coat.

"I want to go home," Lily cries. Rufus nods against her hair and stands up first, holding his hand out for her. She looks up and clutches it, holding onto it tightly as they walk out of the precinct.

They quickly climb into a taxi that takes them back to the penthouse. Lily is fiddling with the lapel of his coat, mulling over her encounter with Jack. Rufus was right, she shouldn't have done that to herself; the risks outweighed the benefits.

"Rufus, what did you say to him?" Lily asks because she has never seen Rufus that agitated before, he has always been relatively calm and patient no matter what the circumstances may be, the way he stormed off like that scared her. He hesitates; he edits out the part of their conversation that deals with her.

"I told him that if he even thinks about coming near you, I will kill him," He says, not an ounce of playfulness in his voice. Lily figured it had something to do with what she said after she left the holding cells. The reality of Jack being released before the trial is exponential, especially given the Bass influence on the New York Police Department.

"Oh…" Lily sighs and leans against his arm. Rufus brushes a kiss to the top her head. She has the same vacant look in her eye that she had when he found her in that bathroom two days ago. He hopes that seeing Jack didn't undo all the progress they have made in the past few days. Rufus is already expecting her to have more vivid nightmares than usual because of her seeing Jack.

"We're almost home Lil," Rufus checks his phone, surprised to see how late it is. They spent more time at the police station then he thought, probably because a line-up and visiting Jack weren't meant to happen.

"Okay…" Lily mumbles and closes her eyes, quickly opening them when the image of the powder room comes into her mind. She nibbles on the inside of her cheek while taking a few deep breaths. Rufus glances down at her, concern flickering in his green eyes. Luckily, the cab stops in front of the apartment complex, cutting their would-be conversation short.

Lily jumps out immediately while Rufus lingers to pay the cab fare. He can feel her trembling when her hand clamps down on his. Vanya is, as always, opening the door for them with a friendly grin.

"Hello Mr. Rufus and Ms. Lily, it's nice to see you two," the kind-hearted doorman tells them. Lily forces a half-smile from her position behind Rufus.

"Thanks Vanya, have a great night," Rufus responds politely, not giving any inclination as to how torn they both are from their visit to the precinct. Lily waves as Rufus brings her to the elevator.

When they step off into the penthouse, Eric and Serena are sitting at the counter, enjoying some cookies. Lily is glad that Dan and Jenny aren't here; she really doesn't want to see anyone besides Rufus and her children right now.

"Hey mom, Rufus, where were you guys?" Serena asks out of curiosity. She notices that her mom looks pale and shaken, even more so than in the past couple days. Rufus turns, exposing Lily to her children. He would rather her give an explanation because he isn't sure what she wants to be said.

"We…were at the police station…I had to talk to them," Lily leaves out the part about seeing Jack. Her kids will want all the juicy details about visiting her attacker, but Lily is still trying to process everything.

"That's great mom!" Serena's enthusiasm dies when she sees her mother frown. Whatever happened at the police station was certainly not great. The teenager can see the guarded irritation ebbing off of her mother, but doesn't know who it's directed towards; herself or Rufus.

"Yeah…it's late, I'm going to bed," Lily tells her children, and doesn't step forward to give the children hugs goodnight.

"Okay, goodnight mom, feel better," Eric says, as if it's that easy. Lily gives a soft smile and heads upstairs, not turning around to make sure Rufus is right behind her.

"Rufus, are you coming?" Lily asks when she is about halfway up the stairs.

"I'll be up in a minute sweetheart," Rufus confirms. Lily licks her lips and disappears into her bedroom.

"What the hell happened?" Serena inquires, she never thought she would see her mother similar to how she came home two nights ago again, but she is wrong.

"She…we…" Rufus trails off; he doesn't know how to explain the emotional turmoil Lily is experiencing to her children. The truth is, Rufus doesn't really know how Lily feels because she hasn't told him. Obviously seeing Jack couldn't have been easy, but all she is giving him is hollow stares and monosyllabic responses to his questions. _Is she mad at me for what happened at the police station? _Rufus muses.

Serena raises her eyebrows, wondering what is so hard to articulate about her mother and Rufus' journey at the police precinct. Eric crosses his arms, waiting for an answer from his mother's boyfriend.

"She saw Jack…and it didn't go well." Both of the kids jaw's flip open at this, no wonder their mother seems so broken.

"Oh…well, you should go, be with her, I'm sure she doesn't want to be alone right now," Serena says. She wishes that she and Lily could talk about what happened, but the only person her mother will talk to is Rufus. Maybe it's better off for now; Serena doesn't think she can listen to her mother talk about her rape without wanting to kill Jack.

"Yeah, right, I'll see you guys tomorrow," Rufus brushes past the children, putting a hand on Serena's shoulder. He quickly walks up the stairs, seeing Lily hiding under her comforter. Rufus sighs and kicks off his shoes, making his way over to what has become his side of the bed. He skates his hand over the folds of the blanket, sensing her curled-up frame underneath.

Lily quivers underneath him and flips down the corner of the comforter, exposing her tear-stained cheeks. She is still dressed in the cardigan and jeans she put on to go to the police station earlier, making no attempt to change into her pajamas.

"Hey Lil, can I come in?" She nods and opens up the covers, allowing him to slide in beside her. Rufus gathers her in his arms, pressing a soothing kiss to her temple. Lily relaxes slightly and turns her head so it is resting on his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No…I'm really tired…can we just go to sleep?" Lily is afraid that if she starts revealing everything she is feeling, it's going to sound like she is blaming him. None of this is his fault, but she didn't feel compelled to go to the police station until he forced her hand.

Rufus nods, her silky blonde hair invades his senses. He can tell she is keeping something from him, whether it is about seeing Jack or going down to the precinct in the first place. He hates being in the position of either letting it go or pushing the issue further in the hopes that she opens up.

"Okay, do you want to change or try to eat something before we go to sleep?" He receives a shake of the head from her in return and brings the covers up to their chins and shifts his arm so it isn't resting on her bruises.

Rufus listens to her breathing even out, wondering how long she is going to be able to stay asleep. He is predicting a nightmare hitting her sometime tonight and hopefully she will be more apt to expose herself to him.

_Lily is in the powder room with Jack and Chuck has just come in to tear his uncle away from her. She is breathing heavily, her body is aching. The sound of Jack yelling in her ear is making them ring; her eyes are blurry with tears. All she wants is for Rufus to be at her side, assuring her that everything will be okay. _

_ "Rufus! Oh, I am so glad that you are here," Lily races towards him, but he backs away from her. Her eyebrows furrow, confused as to why he isn't reaching out for her as she is doing to him. "Rufus? What is it?" _

_ He scoffs, his eyes flickering all over her body, looking at the abrasions and bite marks left behind by Jack. Lily's tears topple onto her cheeks, feeling uncomfortable by the disgust seeping into Rufus' face. _

_ "Look at what he did to you Lily; I don't want to see you like this. You looked better before." Rufus looks over at Jack who is standing in the corner by Chuck. "She's all yours," he says to Jack and motions for Chuck to follow him out of the bathroom._

_ "Wait, Rufus! Please, no!" Lily screams when Jack steps in front of her, preventing her from getting to Rufus. Rufus looks over his shoulder at her before he closes the powder room door. _

Lily is released from the grips of her nightmare, taking a few shaky deep breaths in to calm herself down. She extends her arm to palpate Rufus' cheek, reinstating the fact that he is still sleeping beside her. Lily longs for the deep slumber that Rufus is in right now. The kind of sleep that has you waking up with your hair askew and creases from the pillow etched temporarily into your face. She wishes that she can have that again instead of being bombarded by nightmares every time she closes her eyes.

A daunting epiphany washes over Lily. Jack was right about what he said at the precinct. He essentially destroyed her confidence in her relationship with Rufus with what he did to her in that bathroom. All that she is left with is the hope that Rufus is staying because he loves her and will wait for her to get better rather than out of obligation or guilt.

Rufus stirs, having felt Lily skim her fingertips over the stubble on his cheek. His eyes lazily flip open, meeting her chocolate ones that are glassy with tears. It doesn't take him long to figure out that she had another bad dream. He palms the back of her head, bringing her closer to the warmth radiating off of his body.

"Lil…should we talk?" he probes gently, but doesn't expect her to give him any answers.

"No…I love you, Rufus." Rufus is momentarily stunned by her declaration, knowing how much clout those words hold for her. He wonders why she is saying it now, at two in the morning, after just experiencing another nightmare.

"I love you too Lil," He sees her entire body and face unwind from the tight coil it was in. Rufus is even more confused by what is happening between them. Lily seems to have gotten what she wanted from him, but she should already know that he loves her. Unless, she just needed him to say it to soothe herself.

Lily is ecstatic that he said it back, although she knew that he would. She can tell even in the light splitting through the blinds that he is puzzled by this interaction between them. She will give a detailed explanation later, but not right now. Lily gingerly turns away from him, coiling her hand around his arm, slinging it across her body. Rufus nuzzles up to her, having already chosen to shelve this conversation for the morning. Lily needs to collect all the sleep she can.

The next morning, Lily rolls over in bed, expecting to bump into Rufus. Her eyes fly open when she realizes that he isn't in bed with her. In fact, Lily has no idea as to where he is. _Did he wake up and leave? _Lily thinks to herself and then listens to his laughter combined with Serena's from the kitchen. Her eyebrows furrow, she is curious as to why her children are up so early, they usually sleep in. Then it hits her, today is Monday, the weekend is over. Serena and Eric are leaving for school and Rufus might be going back to work at the gallery.

Lily can hear someone coming up the stairs and assumes it is Rufus carrying food, begging her to eat. To her surprise, Serena pokes her head in, holding an orange.

"Hey mom, can I come in?" She asks tentatively, wanting to see where Lily is at emotionally compared to last night.

"Sure my darling, come on," Lily brightens when she sees her daughter climb into bed beside her, something they haven't done since she was about eight. "I thought you were having breakfast with Dan today."

Serena averts Lily's gaze, choosing to focus on the comforter instead. Lily notices that her daughter is hiding something because she does the same thing.

"Dan and I broke up yesterday." Lily's eyebrows rise at Serena's admission. She knew that Serena and Dan weren't exactly thrilled about her and Rufus dating, but for them to actually break up is surprising.

"Oh…why didn't you tell me?" Serena swallows a bite of her orange before answering Lily.

"I thought you had a lot on your mind and didn't want to bother you with this." Lily realizes that Serena is just being polite. Over the course of this weekend, Serena has probably seen more emotion evoked from Lily than in her whole life. Lily hasn't exactly been the most present mother the past few days, mostly because she has been dealing with her own issues involving Jack.

"Oh…well Serena, I'm here if you want to talk."

"Mom, can I ask you something?" Lily gives a half nod; she is guessing that Serena would rather talk about anything but her break up with Dan.

"Okay…"

"What was it like seeing Jack after you know…?" Lily whips her head to the side, wondering how Serena knows about her seeing him. Rufus must have mentioned something to her children when she went upstairs last night.

"It was…difficult…he…he wasn't sorry…I shouldn't have done it." Serena sees fear bubble to the surface of Lily's face and she regrets asking. Luckily, Eric calls her name, giving her a much needed excuse to end this conversation. She gives a speedy kiss to her mother's cheek and slides out of the bed, mumbling about going over to Blair's after school.

Predictably, Rufus comes upstairs a few minutes later carrying a tray overflowing with an assortment of breakfast foods. Lily sits up a little in bed, opening her mouth to tell Rufus that she isn't that hungry although she hasn't eaten in almost twenty four hours.

"I know what you are going to say Lil, and I was hoping that you could at least drink something if you don't want to eat." He sets the tray in her lap, dusting a kiss to her forehead. Lily stares at the waffles, toast, eggs, bacon and orange juice piled onto the tiny tray. She chooses the toast to munch on for Rufus' satisfaction.

Rufus smiles proudly, happy that he was able to get Lily eat at least a little. She offers the waffle he made her to him, but he declines, telling her that he ate with her children while she was still sleeping.

An awkward silence washes over them, which is unusual in their budding relationship. Lily can tell that Rufus is itching to ask her a hundred questions about everything that transpired yesterday. She is wondering why he isn't being his inquisitive self. Is he giving her the time she desires or has he given up on her? She appreciates his patience, but something inside her needs to show him how grateful she is.

Lily sets the half-eaten bite of toast down and then picks up the tray, setting it on the nightstand. Rufus bites his lip, watching to see what she is doing. She reaches for him, pulling him down so he is lying beside her. Lily straddles him, leaning into kiss him before he is able to ask what she is doing. He melts into the kiss, momentarily moving his arm so his fingers slide through her wayward tendrils before attempting to separate his lips away from hers.

_You see that Lily, he is pulling away from you; he doesn't want you kissing him. _A voice that sounds eerily like Jack's echoes in Lily's head, and makes her dissolve into tears, burying her head in the curve of Rufus' neck.

Rufus has the faintest idea of what is happening with him and Lily right now. First, she is unexpectedly kissing him, then her whole body stills and she bursts into tears. His arm meanders from her hair to her back, massaging it soothingly in an attempt to ease her sobbing.

"I can't…" Lily wails into his skin. This is going to require some explanation from Lily so Rufus can figure out how to assist her. The last time she kissed him, she had asked if it was okay first. This kiss was out-of-the-blue and done out of trepidation, not affection.

"You can't…what Lil?" Rufus leans into the pillows, brushing his hand over the top of her head in an attempt to try and get her to face him. The arc of her back is making it ache, causing Lily to readjust her position. She climbs off of his lower abdomen and sits next to him, bringing her knees up to her chest.

"I can't give you what you want right now. I'm trying, but I just can't do it…I'm sorry." Rufus still hasn't caught up to her line of thinking. He doesn't know what Lily means when she says that she can't give him what he wants.

Lily completely understands if Rufus walks away from her right now. Their relationship is in its infancy, a mere four days old. They should be taking the time to re-explore each other and navigate their newly conjoined lives together. Rufus didn't sign up for this and he doesn't have to glue her back together if he doesn't want to.

"Lil, I'm confused, what can't you give me?"

"Us." Lily whispers as she wipes a tear sneaking its way down her cheek. Rufus sighs, she is giving up on them. It's hard to believe that after all they went through to become a couple after Bart's death and discovering that the son he didn't know they had is dead, she is letting him go. He is hurt, but mostly concerned. Lily is shutting down and pushing him out of her life because she is that devastated by what Jack did to her.

"No…Lily, I'm here, I'm not leaving you because we can't have sex." It sounds ridiculous when Rufus phrases it like that, but that's essentially what she means. Lily thinks that he has been right by her side because he feels like he should since he is her boyfriend. It's so much deeper than a label; he loves her more profoundly than anyone and he is willing to help her return to a place where they can both enjoy their relationship. He comprehends that Lily will never completely be the same and he hates Jack for that, but they can rebuild what they are left with.

"What if I don't get better?" Lily asks him in an empty tone, not feeling comfortable with voicing her worst fear out loud. She is waiting for the day when she doesn't see a bruise on her body or hear Jack's voice in her dreams. The thought of that not happening is terrifying to Lily. Rufus snags her hand, bringing it into his lap.

"One day…you are going to wake up and not have the rape be the first thing that crosses your mind. I don't know when that is going to be, but I will be here when it happens. We can celebrate by having hot, dirty sex all over the penthouse." Lily breaks into a smile and more tears cascade down her cheek. The one thing that Lily is indebted for Jack for is what he did to her has strengthened her relationship with Rufus.

"You promise?" Lily mumbles, feeling an overwhelming sense of pride for being able to articulate her doubts to Rufus. Although, they haven't talked in depth about what was said to her by Jack, but they have covered the gist of her reservations.

"I do and Lil…can I ask you something?" Lily swallows, creating a ruffling sound when she nods against the pillowcase. If he asks about her visit with Jack, she will try her best to answer his questions.

"I wanted to know how you felt about going to the doctor…" Lily's eyebrows crinkle in confusion, now it's her turn to play catch up in their conversation.

"For…?" Rufus was hoping that he didn't have to explain himself, maybe now is not the time to be mentioning this to Lily.

"I'm not saying you have to, but Detective Nolan brought up a good point about Jack…"

"…Not using a condom," Lily cuts his sentence off, having realized what he is reaching for. She hasn't thought about it since the detective brought it up in her interview, but it's a genuine concern for him to have. God only knows what diseases Jack picked up from his many trysts with hookers that he has openly bragged about. It would be beneficial for Lily to get tested just in case, although the chances of her picking up something from Jack are very slim.

"I will go to the doctor with you if you want," Rufus reminds himself that he needs to be less controlling when it comes to her decisions. He knows that she is a tad resentful towards him for making her go to the police station even if she is attempting to conceal it. That is a different conversation for another time; Lily is already tense enough this morning.

"Uh…I can call my gynecologist to see if she has any openings in her schedule." Lily blushes, thinking that this whole situation is embarrassing and degrading. She never could imagine having to go to her doctor to get an STD panel because she was just raped by Jack Bass. The thought makes her quiver, which has Rufus gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Lil…"

"I'm fine, I should…just give the office a call," Lily doesn't want to hear Rufus consoling her and pretending this isn't humiliating for her because he would just be lying. Rufus watches her leave and lets out a frustrating sigh; she isn't making this easy for him.

Lily talks on the phone with someone for a couple of minutes, swapping possible appointment times back and forth. She hangs up and returns to her bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"My doctor had a last minute cancellation so she is able to see me in about an hour. Are you coming with me?" Lily wants Rufus to come for moral support, something he has been great at.

"Of course…if you will do something for me."

"What?" Lily is hesitant, hoping that his request doesn't include a lot of effort on her part.

"Have something more to eat besides half a piece of toast when we get back." She shrugs, giving him a non-committal answer. Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek and asks if she wants to get dressed.

"I want to try doing it myself," Lily informs him and Rufus loses her in the depths of her walk-in closet. She returns with a cream long sleeved sweater and leggings clutched in her hands. Rufus riffles through his duffel, pulling out jeans and a brown v-neck long sleeve. He changes, watching her out of the corner of his eye in case she needs his assistance.

Lily is struggling to slip the leggings onto herself, letting out a wince in pain when she tries to bend over. Rufus puts on his shirt and walks over to help her.

"I got it," Lily snaps, feeling silly for being unable to dress herself because of the abrasions on her back. Rufus backs off, knowing that Lily is frustrated by the lack of independence her injuries created. She lets out a breath of aggravation and begrudgingly asks for assistance.

"You can take your pain medication after you eat something else," Rufus assures her, grazing a kiss over her forehead. Lily allows Rufus to finish dressing her, muttering a barely audible thank you when he is finished.

She disappears into the bathroom to put some light makeup on, thinking that she is just going to cry it off again before the day is over. Lily steps out of the bathroom and puts some of her belongings in an over-the-shoulder Chanel purse before reaching down to snatch her thigh-high boots.

"You ready?" He asks, stringing their fingers together when she gives the go-ahead. They walk out of the penthouse together and make their way down to the lobby where Vanya is waiting with their car.

When they arrive at her doctor's office and check in, Lily is a bundle of nerves. She would rather be anywhere but here getting tested for STD's. Rufus laces their fingers together, twisting their arms so he can brush a kiss to the back of her hand.

"Lil, do you want me to come in there with you?" Rufus is perfectly content with sitting in the waiting room until she is finished if that's what she desires.

"Yeah…" Lily whispers, resting her head on his arm. He looks down at the top of her head, wondering why her walls are ten feet high right now. Rufus would think that after the vulnerable conversation they had in her bedroom, Lily would be more ready to give him more detailed answers to his questions.

Although, if Rufus thinks about it, Lily had the same hollow expression in the powder room, at the hospital, police station and when going to the opera the second time. Maybe this is how she copes so she doesn't unravel in front of complete strangers. In public, Lily appears cold and unresponsive, but the truth is, she just suppresses all of her dominating emotions until she is in the comfort of her own home in front of him.

The nurse calls Lily's name and they follow her to an empty exam room, skipping the usual weighing in and height check.

"So…what brings you in here today?" The nurse asks, trying to keep a bright and cheery attitude. Lily grimaces at the nurse's overly high pitched voice, which makes Rufus laugh a little.

"I need um…an STD test…" Lily explains, sensing her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. Rufus puts a supportive hand on her knee, silently telling her that he will elaborate on this for her if she doesn't want to. The nurse loses her joyful façade and makes a note in Lily's chart.

"Oh…alright, I will tell the doctor when she sees you. I'll go get her." The nurse leaves Rufus and Lily alone, bypassing all of the routine stuff because this isn't an ordinary visit for her. Lily would just like to get whatever testing done that is required and leave. She hopes her doctor knows her well enough not to offer any post-rape guidance like a psychiatrist or support group.

"Did that nurse seem a little too…happy to you?" Rufus asks, breaking the silence. Lily crinkles her eyebrows and looks up at him, cracking a tiny smile.

"I think she chose the wrong specialty," Lily jokes. Rufus laughs and presses his forehead against hers. Every once in awhile when he isn't paying attention, a little piece of the old Lily resurfaces. It's subtle, usually coming in the form of a saccharine smile, a throaty chuckle or a humorous quip about the world around her.

Her brief gasp at normalcy is hindered by a knock on the door. Dr. Matthews, Lily's gynecologist, enters the room with a melancholy grin on her face.

"Lily, it's good to see you again," The petite brunette says and extends her hand for Lily. Lily manages a polite half-smile and shakes the doctor's hand. She is glad that she is able to see a doctor that she has had for over ten years, it lessens the humiliation of having to get an STD panel a tiny bit.

"You too doctor, thank you for seeing me on such short notice."

"Of course, the nurse tells me that you need testing for STD's; may I ask why?" Lily's cheeks turn a rosy hue and her eyes drop down to the denim of her jeans.

"I was…um…raped a couple days ago and I…want to be sure that I didn't catch anything." Rufus drapes his arm over her shoulders, rubbing her upper arm soothingly. Dr. Matthews nods sympathetically and thinks of a way to move forward medically. She feels for Lily, having known her for over ten years now. Lily is more than a run-of-the-mill patient and almost a friend. However, Lily, like all victims of sexual assault, needs control and boundaries. Dr. Matthews has to proceed as if Lily was any other patient to prevent her from feeling overwhelmed.

"I'm sorry to hear that, we can do a blood test and swab for any and all STD's. The chance of transmission is incredibly low, but I will put a rush on the tests just in case." Lily and Rufus both nod, relieved that it's highly unlikely that Jack gave her something.

"Can you do all of the testing? I want to keep this as private as I can," Lily mumbles. Rufus is surprised that Lily is able to trust her doctor with something like this, he would hate for her to go to someone who didn't care about her.

"Of course, I will be right back with all the testing equipment." Dr. Matthews slinks out of the room, leaving the couple by themselves again.

Rufus can tell how hard Lily is trying to not let this affect her. He can't imagine being in her position right now, something he has been thinking all too much over the course of these past three days. He squeezes her hand, silently communicating his support. Lily turns to him, attempting a smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"I really don't want to be here," Lily whispers, using her hand to cover her face when it fills with tears. The armrest of the chairs is preventing Rufus from bringing her closer.

"I know, I'm sorry you have to do this," he says sincerely. Lily sniffs and wipes her eyes before the doctor comes back into the room. She hates hospitals and doctor's even more now than she did before.

Dr. Matthews quietly comes back into the exam room, holding an array of medical supplies.

"I have to draw your blood." Lily scowls, she also despises needles. The corner's of Rufus' eyes crinkle at the disgusted expression on Lily's face. She has survived a vicious attack, but is terrified of a needle. Lily rolls up her sleeve, exposing the angry purple marks on her wrist. Dr. Matthews clears her throat and swabs Lily's arm with antiseptic. When she brings out the needle, Lily jerks her head towards Rufus, scrunching her face up. Rufus laughs and runs his thumb over her knuckles.

"Oh stop being a baby Lil," he teases her lightheartedly. Lily glares at him as the needle plunges beneath the surface of her skin. She keeps her eyes away from her arm until Dr. Matthews removes the needle, placing a bandage over her the crook of Lily's arm.

"Okay, Lily, I am going to need you to get in the stirrups for the swab." Lily tenses and scrapes her teeth over her bottom lip. She was afraid of this part and considers asking if the blood test can be all that is needed. "Here's a cover, I will give you a minute." Dr. Matthews points to a flimsy sheet resting on the exam table.

Lily drops Rufus' hand and moves cautiously over to the exam table. She can barely hear the door close. Rufus approaches her from behind, resting a hand on her shoulder. Lily shudders; the horrible incident of the exam at the hospital is eclipsing this equally humiliating experience.

She strips from the waist down and quickly covers herself with the sheet, leaning back onto the table. Rufus scoots his chair closer and feels her recapture his hand immediately.

Dr. Matthews comes back and situates herself in front of the stirrups. Now that she is informed of Lily's attack she is going to keep Lily appraised of everything that is happening.

"If you feel any discomfort or want me to stop, just let me know, okay?" Dr. Matthews tells Lily and glances up at the man she is with, grateful that the woman has someone by her side. Rufus looks to Lily, giving her an encouraging smile.

"Okay…" Lily mutters, darting her eyes around the room, trying not to look at anything but the sheet covering herself.

Dr. Matthews performs a quick exam, just to be sure that the hospital didn't miss anything or there aren't any lasting effects from Lily's attack. Lily clenches her jaw and takes a deep breath, blocking out any memories from her rape or anything that happened at the hospital after.

"Are you doing okay Lily?" Dr. Matthews asks and reaches for the swab.

"Mhmm…" Lily replies, fighting with everything inside of her not to stop what is happening. She closes her eyes briefly; opening them and twisting her head to the side when she senses Rufus squeeze her hand.

They don't say anything to each other, but his silence reaches her in a way that nobody else can. They have known each other long enough to realize when words aren't needed.

"Okay, I'm going to do the swab now, this will be uncomfortable, but try to stay still as much as you can." Dr. Matthews tells her and grabs the swab. Lily grips the plush material of the exam table as her leg begins to tremble.

"Lil, do you want to go out to lunch after this?" Rufus suddenly wonders in an attempt to distract her.

"What?" Lily asks and clamps down on her lip as the swab is inserted. Rufus can tell he is beginning to lose her so he places his hand on top of her head, gently stroking her hair.

"We could go to that place you like with the overly priced tiny food in SoHo if you want. What's the name of that restaurant again?" Rufus keeps talking to her, giving her something to focus on besides whatever Dr. Matthews is doing.

"Okay…I'm done," the doctor says before Lily can respond to Rufus. Lily traces Rufus' smirk with her eyes and authentically grins when she realizes what he was trying to do for her. "Lily, you are all set; someone will give you a call with the results in a day or two. If you need anything else or just want to talk, don't be afraid to call my office." Dr. Matthews smiles as she heads out the door.

"I would rather eat at home," Lily tells Rufus while getting re-dressed.

"Sure, we can do that," Rufus honestly doesn't give a damn where they have lunch, but thought it would be an effective tactic to start talking about whatever came to his mind to engross her in a conversation.

Lily and Rufus arrive back at the penthouse a half an hour later.

"What would you like to eat?" Rufus asks her, leaning over the counter so her face is mere inches from his. Lily shrugs, she isn't going to each much of what Rufus cooks for her anyway. "Okay…how about a grilled cheese sandwich?"

"Yeah…that's fine, I'm going to get my medication from my room." Lily leaves Rufus to his own devices downstairs as she goes up into her room. Rufus starts a burner and puts a pan over it, rooting around in her kitchen to find the necessary ingredients.

He has a few minutes to wait before he starts cooking so he wanders into the living room. Rufus spots the newspaper in its usual spot and grabs it up, deciding to flip through the headlines while Lily is upstairs. He walks back into the kitchen, grabbing a drink in the fridge and splashes the newspaper across the counter.

Displayed in black and white on Page Six is the devastating headline: **JACK BASS ARRESTED FOR ALLEDGELY RAPING NEW YORK SOCIALITE **

Rufus almost spits out the liquid trapped in his mouth. He can't let Lily see this, she is having a relatively good day, and Rufus doesn't want to be responsible for ruining that. The bitter irony of the caption isn't lost on Rufus, remembering when Lily told her doctor just an hour ago, "I want to keep this as private as I can."

Though the article doesn't mention Lily by name, it is pretty obvious to everyone else who reads this that it was her that was attacked by Jack. He can hear Lily coming back down the stairs. Rufus quickly hides the newspaper in a counter drawer and paints on a confident smile for her.

"Your lunch will be ready soon Lil…"

**A/N 2: Alright, that's where I am ending it for now, I am hoping that you guys want more of this story. What do you people want to happen next? I value your input so much, that I want everyone to share their thoughts, ideas, opinions, etc. I will be updating this soon unless told otherwise. Thanks for reading! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: As always, thank you for the amazing review you guys leave me. I love when everyone tells me what they want in this story because I like throwing some of your ideas in a chapter that I am working on. Rated M and I hope you people like!**

**Chapter Six**

_Though the article doesn't mention Lily by name, it is pretty obvious to everyone else who reads this that it was her that was attacked by Jack. He can hear Lily coming back down the stairs. Rufus quickly hides the newspaper in a counter drawer and paints on a confident smile for her. _

_ "Your lunch will be ready soon Lil…" _

Lily nods and sets the pill bottle on top of the counter. She enjoys watching Rufus cook; it's something that she never learned how to do. He makes it look so effortless, flying around the kitchen, working the stove and toaster simultaneously.

Rufus catches Lily staring at him and for a moment he thinks that she caught him hiding the newspaper. Then her eyes crinkle at the corners slightly and his fears subside. She seems more intact now then when they left the doctor's office. Hopefully this will be the last in a series of difficult events that she has to overcome for a while. Rufus will show her the newspaper article in due time, but she has had enough to process for the time being. He realizes that this breaks his promise to himself about letting her control the flow of information to her, but he doesn't want her to unravel completely.

"You okay?" Lily asks, noticing him staring off into the distance. Rufus snaps to attention and grabs the spatula off the counter.

"Aren't I supposed to be asking you that question?" Rufus throws back at her, wanting to see if she plays along.

"I hate that question, I'm not okay…I don't know when I'm going to be okay," Lily blurts out, sensing a rosy hue flourish on her cheeks. Rufus produces a grilled cheese and clasps her hand momentarily.

"You'll be okay eventually Lil, I know it's frustrating, but it just takes time. Now…eat," He commands jokingly, nudging the paper plate towards her. Lily accepts the plate and uses both hands to gnaw at the sandwich.

Rufus makes a grilled cheese for himself, constantly checking over his shoulder to see if she is still taking bites. She needs to eat at least half to be able to stomach the pain pill that she should take. Lily catches him and takes a huge chunk out of the sandwich to please him. He playfully rolls his eyes at her, loving the smile blooming on her face.

Little by little, Lily's appetite is starting to return. Rufus couldn't understand how out of all the things she has lost over her rape, her appetite would be the one of the most devastating. Lily had to explain to him that every time she took a bite, all she could taste was the harsh scent of Jack's cologne invading her senses. She had a craving of orange juice for a day or two after just to replace the bitter taste he left in her mouth. Eventually, Lily will be able to eat full meals again, but it will just like everything else, take time.

Rufus brings his freshly made grilled cheese over to the counter so he can eat with her. He pours her a glass of orange juice from the fridge so she has something to swallow her pill with. His phone vibrates against the counter and Rufus puts his glass down to answer the phone.

"Hey Vanessa...yeah…he was coming in today…well…no…look, can you handle the meeting without me?" Lily's ears perk up, wondering what Rufus is talking about. She hopes that whatever meeting Rufus is referring to isn't detrimental to the gallery. Lily would hate for Rufus to lose a client because he is putting his work and life on hold for her. "I'll call you back…okay…bye."

Lily hears a sigh slip through the slit of Rufus' lips. She sets her glass down on the marble and snatches up her pill bottle, attempting to pry it open.

"What was that about?" Lily asks, wanting to switch the topic of conversation away from her for once. Rufus scratches behind his head and shifts more of his weight onto the counter.

"Vanessa was calling about a meeting at the gallery today, but I think she can manage without me there." Lily furrows her eyebrows; she knows how worried Rufus is about not being able to provide for his children, for him to just brush that aside for her is sweet, but unnecessary.

"You should go, I'll be alright here. I think I am going to just lie down anyway." Lily says nonchalantly, as if being by herself doesn't terrify her. The longest she has gone without Rufus here since her rape was only about an hour. She ended up swiping a bottle of booze from her stash of liquor and then sobbing hysterically on the floor before she even took a sip.

Rufus quirks an eyebrow, it sounds like she is trying to convince herself more than him. If he knew that she would feel perfectly comfortable with staying here by herself than he would be more inclined to agree. She seems uneasy about her decision, though the tone of her voice says otherwise.

"Lil...are you positive? It's not a big deal; I can talk to Vanessa over the phone if she has any questions." Lily isn't sure why, but for some reason she just feels better. Today has been relatively kinder to her than yesterday, so much so that she might be misjudging her improvement.

"Go, Rufus, I insist. As long as you come back, I think I'll be able to function for a few hours alone." Rufus is really torn about this; her track record of being by herself hasn't exactly been great. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if she came unhinged while he was gone. A part of him is unsure as to why Lily is being so adamant about this, maybe she is trying to prove to herself that she doesn't need him to babysit her constantly.

"Okay…my phone will be on, please don't hesitate to call if you need me. I will be back as soon as I can." Lily nods, propelling a confident smile onto her lips. She senses how reluctant Rufus is about leaving her at the penthouse while he races off to Brooklyn, but she will hopefully survive. Rufus rounds the counter, approaching her. There is a stillness that the both of them are trying to navigate. He isn't sure whether to kiss her goodbye or leave without initiating any sort of contact.

Lily sees the battle breaking out in Rufus, hating herself for causing that uncertainty in him. She misses the level of intimacy their relationship possessed as much as he does. It feels weird to be in a relationship with him and all they do is talk, mostly about her emotions that her rape evoked in her. Though, Lily is afraid of what were to happen if she were to push herself physically before she is ready, something that Rufus has been trying to prevent.

"I'll…um…see you when you get back then," Lily whispers, stumbling and falling over her words. Awkwardness has permeated the air, affecting them both. Rufus leans forward, dusting a kiss to her forehead. She breathes him in, secretly hoping that he would have tried to kiss her lips again. He is scared to because of her reaction last time in the shower. Rufus has made the decision within himself to appoint her as the decision maker in their relationship. He will follow her lead when it comes to should-they-or-shouldn't-they moments like this.

"Lil…be careful okay?" Rufus probes gently, offering a subtle grin, brushing the pad of his thumb on her chin. Lily nudges him towards the elevator, not wanting to drag this out any further. She is having a hard enough time with the idea of him leaving and he isn't even gone yet.

The elevator doors close in front of Rufus, officially leaving Lily alone in the penthouse to dwell. She checks the time on her phone, Serena and Eric aren't going to be home for another couple of hours which is right around the time Rufus is due back. Lily twiddles her thumbs, curious as to what she should do to preoccupy her time. She doesn't want to leave the safety of the penthouse, but the silence here is suffocating. Lily is left with her own thoughts and the sinking fear that Rufus isn't coming back.

She yawns, stretches and wanders back into the kitchen. Lily spots the open pill bottle on the counter and frowns. She promised Rufus that she would take one for her aching back, but she hates how drowsy the medication makes her feel. Lily returns the pills to the medicine cabinet and heads to her room. A part of her needs to see if she can sleep without Rufus being here, lulling her to sleep.

Rufus ends up at the gallery a half an hour later. He keeps looking at his phone, ready to barrel back to Manhattan if Lily were to ask him to. She seemed really hesitant about him leaving, but still encouraging. He has this terrible realization that Lily isn't going to call him no matter what state of mind she is in. _Stubborn woman, _Rufus thinks and waves to Vanessa chatting with the client, showing him the open space set aside so they can display his pieces.

_Jack has Lily pinned up against the bathroom counter, his hand possessively and forcibly binding her wrists together. His lips keep making unwelcome assaults on her lips, attempting to get her to give in. Lily is wriggling against his frame, breathing heavily into his hand that is clasped over her mouth. She manages to shake her head free from his grasp,_

_ "Rufus!" She exclaims, fully expecting the slap across the face she receives from Jack. _

_ "Shut up, Rufus isn't coming to save you," Jack taunts and seizes his opportunity to force his tongue into her mouth. Lily chokes in surprise and gags. Jack presses his hand up against her throat, forcing her to tilt her head back so he can sloppily kiss and bite her neck. She is gasping for air, wincing when she feels Jack sink his teeth into her flesh. Why hasn't Rufus noticed she is gone? Where the hell is he? She only has a few precious moments left before Jack is able to undo her. A tear slides down Lily's cheek when she realizes that Rufus won't get to her in time. _

Lily jerks awake, letting her eyes flutter closed to release the tears collecting at the brim of her eyelids. Her nightmares bounce back and forth between flashbacks and distortions of the actual attack. She buries her head into her pillow, wondering why Rufus isn't rubbing her back while whispering reassurances into her ear like he always does.

"Oh Rufus that was…" Lily trails off, the realization that he isn't here is hitting her. She pops her head up from the pillow and turns her head over to the empty side of the bed. Lily has to weather this latest nightmare on her own without Rufus' assistance. She reaches over to grab her cell phone, swiping it open and hovering her finger over Rufus' contact information. Lily wipes the fallen tears away from her cheeks and puts her phone back on the nightstand. She has to manage by herself, Rufus isn't coming back.

Over in Brooklyn, Rufus is growing antsy. It's been over an hour and he hasn't heard a peep from Lily. He is trying to convince himself that she is fine, but he would feel better if she were to respond to his text. It was a simple, _how are you doing? _Rufus refrained from asking the cliché _are you okay? _Lily has made it abundantly clear that she despises that question because her answer will always be the same. If this meeting isn't over by the next hour, Rufus is calling it for the day. He needs to get back to the penthouse to be with Lily, no exceptions.

Lily takes a few deep breaths; she is failing miserably at calming herself down. _Okay Lily, you are just fine_…_it was a bad dream…Jack isn't here, he is jail, you saw him there yesterday. Rufus will hopefully come back in about an hour. _She shakes her head; Lily needs something to dull the pain until Rufus returns to the penthouse, if he comes back at all. Lily pulls back the covers and ventures downstairs, to her liquor cabinet. What she is about to do is only going to be temporary relief, a band-aid to fix the bullet hole, but Lily is okay with that for now.

She stands on her tip-toes; reaching around the wine she has displayed in the front. Wine isn't enough to even take the edge off, she needs something stronger. Lily locates the half-finished bottle of Jack Daniels her and Rufus were sipping from yesterday. She tips her head back and takes a long swig. Lily wipes off the excess liquid from her lips and shudders; she forgot how potent the whiskey is.

Thirty minutes later, Rufus and Vanessa are wrapping up the meeting with this client. They have acquisitioned him to display a few pieces in the upcoming months. Rufus should be happy that this will draw more attention to his gallery, but his mind is in Manhattan with Lily. She still hasn't answered any of his text messages. He was tempted to call her, but he didn't want to appear uninterested to his client. Vanessa can tell that Rufus isn't all the way there today, but she hasn't asked him about it. Rufus is hoping that Dan didn't tell Vanessa about what happened to Lily. Vanessa is like a second daughter to Rufus, but Lily's rape really isn't any of her business.

"Well that was good…Rufus…are you listening?" Vanessa asks after showing the client to the door. Rufus nods and whips out his phone, dialing Lily.

"Yeah, I have to go Vanessa. Thanks for helping me with this today, I'll see you tomorrow…maybe," Rufus isn't sure what his work schedule is looking like for the next week. He might have to turn operations over to Vanessa for the time being, until Lily is comfortable with going back to her daily routine. Vanessa crinkles her eyebrows, but doesn't ask further.

Rufus waves goodbye and presses his phone to his ear as he is walking out.

"Damn it Lil…come on…pick up…" He mumbles to himself and then angrily shoves his phone in his pocket when he gets her voicemail. Rufus doesn't leave a message, knowing that Lily isn't going to check it. He is praying that Lily is still asleep, but he doubts it. Usually she only is able to be in a peaceful slumber for about an hour, and then the nightmares start plaguing her sleep.

Back at the penthouse, Lily is on her fourth or fifth shot of straight Jack Daniels. The number is lost on her, but she is starting to feel the warmth and numbness that typically accompanies her drinking. She ignored Rufus' phone call, he is most likely calling to check up on her. She would have to lie to him and say that she is doing fine which she doesn't have the energy to do. Lily pours herself another shot, _this one's for you Jack, _she thinks bitterly to herself and swallows the drink in one gulp.

Rufus steps into the lobby of Lily's apartment building. Vanya, as always, is there waiting with a warm smile.

"Hey Vanya, have you seen Lily leave at all recently?" Rufus asks out of curiosity.

"No Mr. Rufus, Ms. Lily is still upstairs. Would you like me to call up there?" Rufus shakes his head,

"No thanks Vanya, I'll see you later." He makes his way over to the elevator, jabbing repeatedly at the penthouse button. Rufus is scared of what is he is going to find when he steps off the elevator.

Lily hears the elevator doors open and assumes it's one of the children. She sets the glass holding her seventh shot down on the counter and turns, wanting to see who it is.

"Rufus! You're here," Lily exclaims and bounces over to him. Rufus sets his coat down on the couch, surprised to see her in such good spirits. Maybe leaving her alone wasn't a bad idea after all.

"Hey Lil," he smiles, wrapping his arms around her in a hug. Lily accepts it and then pulls back, moving to passionately kiss him on the lips. He is shocked by the abrupt shift in her mood. He is glad that she is taking the initiative to start reintroducing the intimacy into their relationship, but they don't have to do it all right away.

Lily keeps kissing him, hoping that he doesn't pick up on the alcohol seeping into her breath. Her hand reaches down to the hem of his shirt, tugging at it. Rufus can taste the whiskey woven into Lily's breath and furrows his eyebrows. He starts putting the pieces together, the alcohol that she drank while he was gone is what's driving her to want to have sex with him, it's not because she is actually feeling better.

Lily slowly walks them back towards the couch, wanting him to collapse on it, bringing her down with him. One of her hands weaves through his hair, collecting chocolate strands in the space between her fingers.

He blindly maneuvers his hand down to clasp hers, pulling it away from his body. Their kisses become reduced to miniscule pecks while he tries to draw himself away from her without hurting her feelings.

Lily can sense him starting to pull away, so she detaches from him, starting to pace in front of him.

"Oh my god…oh no…" She mumbles to herself, hating when tears start to pool, making her vision blurred. Rufus isn't sure how to handle this latest development; he doesn't know how to help her.

"Lil, what's going on?" Lily momentarily looks up at him and then glances back at the floor. Rufus reaches out to brush his fingertips along her arm, but she jerks away.

"He was right…" Lily whispers, bringing her trembling hand up to her mouth. Rufus' eyes bulge and he purposely steps in front of her, blocking her path.

"Honey, sit down, we need to talk." He rests a hand on the middle of her back, guiding her towards the couch. Lily trips over her feet and ends up clumsily falling into the furniture. Rufus stifles his laughter and snags her hand, bringing her into a seating position. Taking advantage of a drunken Lily would be exciting if she wasn't so vulnerable right now.

"Jack was _right, _Rufus," Lily repeats as tears slip down her cheeks. Rufus internally cringes at her mention of Jack Bass. Whatever Jack said to her is obviously having a huge effect on her.

"What do you think he was right about Lil?" Rufus isn't sure he wants to hear it, but whatever was said caused Lily to drink heavily and try to have sex with him.

"He said…" Lily clears her throat, trying to clear the cobwebs that are constricting her voice, "he said that I'm damaged goods and you won't want to touch me again. H-h-he told me that he ruined me." She covers her face, sobbing pitifully into her hands. Rufus rubs her back, easing her towards him, pressing a kiss to her hair. Now he comprehends why Lily was so desperate for physical contact in their relationship. He feels terrible for shutting her down, but oddly thankful. Rufus hopes that they can finally have an honest conversation about her reactions to seeing Jack yesterday; he hasn't been able to drag much out of her until now.

"Lil, don't listen to Jack, you aren't anything of those things he said to you." Lily is trying frantically to believe what he is telling her, but she can't. If Rufus really wanted to help her, he wouldn't have pushed away when she was trying to fix herself.

"Why didn't you let me…why did you pull away?" Lily doesn't let Rufus respond to her questions. Instead, her eyes widen in fear when she thinks she has realized their problem. "Oh my god, it's because of the bruises, isn't it?" You don't find me attractive anymore." Rufus shakes his head, Lily's mind is working in overdrive and he is attempting to catch up with her.

"No Lil, that's not it at all. I just don't think we should try to have sex while you are drunk. I want you to actually enjoy and remember our first time together since after your rape. And I still find you just as beautiful as I did before." Rufus doesn't want to make it about her not being ready because she will just argue or do something to prove that she is.

Lily still is skeptical, but is starting to understand that the reason Rufus pulled away was not because of her physical appearance. It has more do with her mental ability to handle reaching that level of intimacy. She is starting to doubt whether she could have actually had sex or the memories of the rape would intrude on their moment, causing her to shut down.

"How I do know that you aren't just saying that to make me feel better?" Lily asks honestly. Rufus softly smiles and tucks a stray piece of hair back behind her ear. He should be offended by her doubting him, but he's not, he can tell that she genuinely needs reassurance from him.

"Sweetheart, I'm not leaving, so don't let that worry you." Rufus cups her cheek, stamping a kiss on her lips. Lily accepts the kiss and then cuddles into him when they separate. They both let the kiss fall apart, each pulling away at the same time rather than one of them deciding that they have had enough.

Rufus is trying to not let his frustration show. He knows that Lily is struggling with every aspect of recovering from her attack, but her repeatedly doubting their relationship isn't helping. She couldn't have thought that getting drunk and trying to have sex would actually work with him. He understands that she was attempting to reestablish some intimacy in their relationship, but this wasn't about her. She was trying to force herself into doing something because she thought that he would leave her if she didn't. Lily should know by now that he isn't going to leave and Rufus isn't sure what else he can do to prove it to her.

"I'm glad you are here," Lily whispers softly. She missed him and for a while, she didn't think he was coming back to her. Lily can tell that Rufus is starting to grow impatient with her, especially when it comes to her being unsure about their relationship. He has to comprehend that it's bothering her too, but she can't help it. Jack chiseled away a lot of who she is when he raped her and she is desperately striving to get all the pieces of her back. She just has to be content with the fact that Rufus promised her that he isn't abandoning her and not continue to question it.

Rufus can sense her trembling against him, clinging to the fabric of his t-shirt. She just looks so lost, it breaks his heart. Every time she appears to be getting better, she pushes herself and then ends up falling apart. He wonders how long this recovery process will take, if there are specific milestones that she should be reaching, but isn't. Obviously, Lily will never be able to block what happened completely out of her mind, but there has got to be a healthy balance. She should still be able to live her life without memories of the rape constantly eating away at her. Maybe Rufus is being hasty; she is making some miniscule strides in the right direction.

"Lil…I'm totally just asking…but would it help if you talk to someone…other than me." He knows the implications of what he is suggesting to her. The possibility of her becoming more upset with him is exponential, but he is only serving in her best interest. He isn't qualified to deal with a situation like this. Of course he will assist in her in any way he can, but it might help her more if she were to go to therapy.

"You mean like a therapist? Jesus…Rufus," Lily spits out, furious that he would even bring it up to her. He should know more than anyone that she doesn't believe in them. Eric's case was different; she was embracing the process because she thought it would help her son, not her.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to, I was only thinking of you. We could go together if that makes you feel more comfortable," Rufus is willing to say anything to prevent her from becoming angry at him. If he didn't think it would aid her just a fraction, he wouldn't have even recommended it.

Lily is chewing on her lower lip to prevent herself from snapping at Rufus. Deep down, she is aware that he is only suggesting it because he thinks that it will do her some good, but she can't help but feel insulted. He doesn't think that she is coping as well as she can? Retelling the story of her rape to a stranger and explaining how that makes her feel doesn't do anything for Lily.

"I'm _not _going and I don't want to talk about this anymore," Lily warns him. If she feels like she is in over her head and needs to see a therapist, then she will. Until then, that discussion is off the table.

"Okay, I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to push." Rufus sweeps a kiss over her temple, officially ending that turbulent conversation. Therapy won't help her anyway if she isn't willing to be an active participant. Lily's stubbornness and pride is preventing her from seeing the benefits of going to a therapist.

Hesitation is sweeping across Lily's features at Rufus' apology. She realizes his recommendation wasn't a personal attack, but it felt that way. Lily is starting to have her suspicions about her capability of recovering from her rape, mentally and physically. Luckily, Rufus won't give her an ultimatum about seeing a therapist; he is aware of how damaging that would be to their relationship.

"Can we…get out of here?" Lily asks, to her own surprise. Rufus arches his brow; Lily hasn't expressed her wish to leave the penthouse since they went to the opera which ended up blowing up in their faces.

"Uh…sure…where do you want to go?" He will take her anywhere, he is just happy that she doesn't want to bury herself in here forever.

"I…don't know, I'm still a little drunk," Lily says. Rufus laughs and shakes his head, he still smell the alcohol on her breath.

"How about Central Park? We can just walk around by ourselves." Lily agrees, she was thinking of shopping on Fifth Avenue, but she doesn't want to run into anyone she knows there. She is perfectly content with keeping to herself until she is ready to return to the Upper East Side society.

"That sounds good, I'll get my coat," Lily eases off the couch, her back is aching from their pathetic attempt at sex earlier. Rufus eyes her, wondering why she is in this much pain if she took her pill while he was gone. He rolls his eyes; he didn't actually watch her take it so he is assuming that Lily chose alcohol over the medication.

"You can take a pill when we get back," Rufus mutters, his voice taking on a slight scolding tone. Lily blushes and nods, she didn't want to mix alcohol with the narcotic she was supposed to swallow.

"Okay, let's go, I don't want to be gone too long." Rufus is contemplating mentioning to her that they don't have to leave the penthouse if she doesn't feel comfortable. He is hoping that the newspaper article hasn't caught on yet and there aren't any paparazzi waiting outside the apartment complex. Rufus reminds himself to ask Vanya if anyone has been loitering around Lily's building with a camera. He would like to keep the fact that the story of her rape has flooded the New York social scene for as long as possible. "Rufus…are you coming?"

"Yeah Lil, I'm right behind you," He races to catch up to her, banding their fingers together as they step onto the elevator. Lily leans into him as the elevator doors close. Together, they make their way out of the lobby. Vanya opens the doors for them and Lily steps through, but Rufus holds back.

"Rufus, what is going on with you?" Lily asks, she should be the one having a problem with leaving the confines of her home, not him, unless there is something he isn't sharing with her.

"Hey Vanya, has anyone been around here that…shouldn't?" Rufus asks, out of curiosity. He doesn't want to step onto the sidewalk and be ambushed by men with cameras yelling questions at Lily. Lily crinkles her eyebrows and glances around the bustling street, waiting for someone to jump out at her.

"No Mr. Rufus, just the usual homeless people looking for somewhere to escape the cold. I will let you know," Vanya says. Rufus nods and grabs Lily's hand, walking ahead of her.

"What was that about?" Lily asks, feeling paranoid all of the sudden. Rufus shrugs, averting suspicion away from himself.

"Nothing, I was just being careful…I don't want anyone around you that doesn't need to be, you know?" He really should tell her about the article, but he doesn't want to freak her out. He realizes the kind of reaction she is going to have when she sees it and she won't want to leave the penthouse for a long time. It's healthy for her to want to get out in the world; he just is praying that nothing or anyone disrupts that.

Lily frowns and tilts her head in confusion, something isn't adding up to her. Why is Rufus nervous about her being outside? He was the one who wanted her to not sit and brood in the penthouse all day. For him to have a sudden change of heart is alarming to her.

"Okay…well…it's just you and me here…" Rufus is starting to become aware that he is freaking her out. He shakes his head and brings her closer, dropping a kiss to the crown of her head.

"I know Lil, I'm sorry; I just can't help but be protective of you." The corners of Lily's lips turn up in a saccharine smile. She appreciates his concern immensely.

"Oh…well thank you, hopefully I will be okay," Lily leaves her statement up for interpretation. So far, she is fine with walking around the streets of New York, mixing in with the people walking by. She is just another person stomping the concrete jungle, on her way to Central Park with her boyfriend.

Rufus spots a magazine stand on the street and yanks on her hand, bringing them to a cross walk. Lily glances at him, wondering why he is still acting so weird. He is hiding something from her and she needs to find out what it is because she has a feeling it has to do in large part with her.

"Where are you taking me?" Lily asks, hiding behind him when she spots Anne Archibald cutting through the park to get to Fifth Avenue. Luckily, Nate's mother walks right past her without a second glance. Rufus leads them to the bridge that they met at after Bart died. That was almost a month ago, when he told her that he was waiting for her no matter how long it took. So much has happened since then; it's hard to wrap their heads around.

Lily grins at how much significance this particular spot in the park holds for them. Rufus severs their hands to wrap his arm around her, bringing her closer so they can look out at the bustling city around them.

It feels so nice to just be standing here with Rufus, not having to think about the rape for the first time since it happened. Sure, it is always in the back of her mind, but for now, she is just standing here, just eyeing the scenery in front of them.

"You want to walk a little more Lil?" Rufus asks, his husky voice cutting into her thoughts. Lily glances up, nodding slightly. He takes the lead, leading them down a winding path away from most of the tourists taking typical shots against landmarks in the park. Rufus is glad they can obtain this kind of normalcy without having to force it. Lily seems to be sobering up and becoming her old self again, giggling when a roller skater takes a tumble on a loose stick a few feet ahead of them. He hopes for more days like this for them, but he has to force himself to be realistic. Lily is going to have some good days and a lot of really bad days, especially when Jack's trial begins, which is undoubtedly going to draw unwelcome media attention.

Rufus knows it is only a matter of time before Lily discovers that article. One of her kids or society friends is bound to let it slip that there was an excerpt about Jack Bass raping her on Page Six. He is trying to think of the right way to bring it up to her. Rufus would hate to be the one to ruin her good spirit, but he thinks she should hear it from him.

It was his decision to keep this from her in the first place. She is going to be mad at him which is to be expected. However, he will do his best to convince her that he didn't do it maliciously. His protective instincts overruled his more rational side in that moment.

Lily stares at Rufus, wondering what he is thinking so deeply about. He has been acting strange ever since she decided to leave the penthouse, but she can't figure out why. The simple explanation is that he is scared that she won't be able to handle venturing outside of the penthouse. It's a reasonable assumption, considering how disastrous the visit to the opera and police station was. She has proven that to herself and him that she has been able to overcome every obstacle her way with his help and plenty of alcohol.

"Are you ready to go? The kids should be getting home from school soon," Lily mumbles. She feels horrible about her lack of parenting since Friday night. Lily hasn't been the most hands-on mother in the past, but she has been trying to make more of an effort since Eric's accident. She wants to be as much a part of her children's lives as they allow regardless of the emotional turmoil she is experiencing because of Jack.

"Yeah…if you want to leave then we can go." Rufus is surprised that she wants to leave so soon. Hopefully in time they can spend more time away from the penthouse. This was a good first step and she handled it well.

Lily and Rufus navigate their way back to the apartment complex with her a step behind him the whole time. Rufus wishes that she felt strong enough to walk beside him instead of hiding in his shadow, but he knows that will change in due time. Thankfully, there were no cameras in their sights, allowing safe entry into the lobby. Vanya holds the door open for them and informs Lily that Eric and Serena have returned home from school.

"Thanks Vanya, we are going to see them now," Rufus speaks for the both of them. He crosses his fingers that Serena or Eric doesn't blab about the article to Lily, but his window of opportunity to tell her is fading fast.

They climb into the elevator, stepping off at their floor. Serena and Eric are chatting at the counter, waiting for their mother. Serena sees Lily and her eyes widen, wondering why she looks so _happy. _Her mother's smile is authentic, not the forced one she has been wearing to appease her and Eric. Serena glances over at Eric, who is thinking the same thing. Either Lily has had time to process the article or she hasn't seen it yet.

"Hey mom, Rufus, what's going on?" Eric asks. Rufus lets go of Lily's hand and they separate, standing on either side of the children.

"We went to Central Park for a bit, just to kind of get out of the penthouse," Lily explains. Serena beams widely at her mother,

"That's great mom! How was it?" Serena is ecstatic that her mother seems to be getting better; although, if she doesn't know about the article, then it will only set her back again.

"It was nice, easy…" Lily shrugs, not really knowing how describe a leisurely stroll in Central Park.

"Anything else happen today?" Eric probes. Lily's eyebrows knit together; she isn't going to tell her children how she drunkenly tried to seduce Rufus and then cried about it.

"No…we just hung out here and then went out," Rufus answers for Lily. He knows what the children are doing; they are trying to see if Lily knows about the newspaper. This should be his opportunity to tell her, but he can't.

"Right, well I'm going to go to Jonathan's, I'll be back later mom," Eric looks for an excuse to leave this awkward situation. He is irritated with Rufus for not letting his mother see the newspaper, she deserves to know. Eric hugs Lily goodbye and waves to Rufus.

Serena glances around, trying to find a way to get Rufus out of the kitchen so she can leave Lily by herself. She doesn't want her mother to be blindsided by all of this and would think Rufus would want the same.

"Hey Rufus…do you mind helping me with a package downstairs? It's really heavy," Serena lies. Rufus glances at Lily who is indifferent. He stamps a kiss to her cheek and then follows Serena to the elevator.

Lily's eyes dart around the empty penthouse. She is starting to feel like everyone, including Rufus, is keeping something from her. If whatever it is has to deal with her rape, she has every right to know. Lily narrows her eyes and tries to think of what she is missing. Rufus seemed very concerned about who and what she saw today. _Okay Lily, think, why would he be like that? _She moves her head to look over at the table by the elevator where the newspaper is usually at, but it's not there. Lily furrows her eyebrows and looks in the garbage, it's empty. Now she is starting to put the pieces together, she just needs to find today's newspaper.

Serena and Rufus land in the lobby and not shockingly, there is no package. Rufus realizes that Serena lied to him and Lily, but isn't sure why.

"Why haven't you told my mother about the article?" Serena asks Rufus, crossing her arms over her chest. Rufus sighs, Serena is right, he is going to go upstairs and tell Lily.

"She has been having such a good day Serena; I just didn't want to wreck it. You're right, I should tell her and I will, just not yet."

"People have already started asking me questions about mom and I haven't said anything. Rufus please don't let her be caught off guard by all of this."

"Okay, I will go upstairs and let her see the article, I promise." Serena breathes a sigh of relief, she believes him.

"Thank you, can you tell mom that I will be at Blair's? I don't think I'll be home for dinner." Rufus watches Serena walk out the door and then he goes back upstairs.

When he steps into the penthouse, he is expecting Lily to be perched at the counter. The first floor is empty; Lily is nowhere to be found. He is starting to get extremely anxious and races up the stairs. Rufus eases open the door to her bedroom, thinking that she isn't in here either, until he hears a loud sniff.

Lily is sitting on the floor, on the other side of her bed, crying heavily. She looks up when she sees Rufus stand over her and shakes her head warning him not to touch her.

"How could you do this to me?" Lily sobs. Rufus sits down a few feet away from her, knowing from experience that she doesn't like to be touched when she is upset.

"Lil…I'm sorry," He says as if that will fix everything. Lily scoffs and pulls out the article sitting on the other side of her.

"A source close to the accused says this socialite has a rather long history of seducing men including his own brother…" Lily voice breaks as she tries to read directly from the article. "…Which calls into question the validity of her story…" She can't read it anymore; the newspaper gets thrown in a random direction. Lily hides her face in her hands, sobbing at the damaging words Page Six has written about her.

Rufus reaches out, resting his hand on her shoulder. Lily moves away from him, he isn't off the hook for hiding this from her.

"Don't touch me. Damn it Rufus, how could you keep this from me?" Rufus realizes how much he has screwed up, but it's too late. Lily has found the article and is furious with him for hiding it from her.

"I…I was trying to protect you…" Lily cuts him off,

"No, you wanted to make another decision for me because you think I'm too weak to make one for myself. You did it with giving my statement and seeing Jack!" Lily's voice rises and she starts shaking. Rufus isn't really surprised that she is blaming him for the police station; he knew that she didn't do that for herself.

"And what was I supposed to do Lil? Let you self destruct?"

"You of all people should be there to support me regardless of the choices I make. If you really loved me then you wouldn't force me into doing something just to make yourself feel better."

Rufus understands that Lily is just lashing out at him for concealing the article from her, but for her to say "if you really loved me," hurts. Everything he has done since Friday night has been because he loves her immensely. However, trying to explain himself right now to her wouldn't be pointless. Lily isn't going to listen to anything he has to say until she has calmed down.

"I do support you Lily, but I feel like I should be honest with you about certain things. I didn't think you were ready to see Jack."

"Exactly, _you _didn't think that _I _was ready. That wasn't your decision to make Rufus, it was mine."

"And I let you make it! I stood by you and waited when you came back hysterically crying because you saw Jack. I don't know what else to do here Lil." Lily sniffs and brings her knees up to her chest.

"You don't have to do anything Rufus, just get out." Rufus quirks an eyebrow, leaving Lily alone when she is like this is a terrible idea. Although, he knows that she is too stubborn to be reasoned with. Rufus pushes himself off the floor and turns to face her. Lily glares up at him, tears blackening her cheeks. She is almost challenging him to touch her or say something else so she can snap at him.

"I'll be at the loft if you need me." Rufus is waiting for her to ask him to come back, but she doesn't. Lily watches him leave, having no desire to stop him. She isn't going to excuse what he did, not yet. Maybe when she has some time to herself to process everything, she will be more inclined to forgive him.

**A/N 2: I'm ending it here, I know this is shorter than usual, but I wanted to get something up. From now on, I would expect an update from me every Wednesday or Thursday. If there isn't one, I will let everyone know. What do you guys want to happen next? I am thinking a breakdown of Lily-proportions. Thanks for reading and please leave a review on your way out.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank you as always, for the comments and ideas that all my readers leave for me. I am actually going to take an idea left for me and run with it, so I hope this is what you guys were asking for. This chapter is especially…um…dark, I would guess and definitely rated M. SO…here we go!**

**Chapter Seven**

She is alone; alone with the thoughts that keep her up at night and cycle through her head all day. Lily has managed to push Rufus away, the only person that has been truly looking out for since this whole ordeal started. There is nobody here for her to calm her down and reassure her that although she has lost her battle with herself today, she can always try again tomorrow.

Lily pulls her head up from her bended knees. Tears have made themselves known by the stains from her mascara on her jeans. She sniffs; one of those terrible sniffs that clogs up your nose, leaving you gasping for breath through your mouth. Lily coughs, the motion sending a ripple of pain through her spine. Lily winces and readjusts on the carpeting, only making herself sob more.

Rufus ends up back in Brooklyn a mere twenty minutes after leaving Lily's. He eases open the loft door, hoping that his kids aren't there so he is able to grovel in peace. Unfortunately, both Dan and Jenny are sitting on the couch, chatting about their day at school.

"Hey dad, what's going on?" Dan asks, noticing the crestfallen look on Rufus' face. His father seems on edge about something and Dan would bet that it has to do with Lily. Rufus hasn't exactly been at the loft much recently, only brief trips with and without Lily to check that his kids are managing fine on their own.

Rufus slumps down on the couch, sandwiched between Dan and Jenny. Jenny offers a cracker with cheese splashed on top to Rufus, who declines. Dan swallows the bite in his mouth before inquiring about Lily.

"So…how's Lily doing with everything? We saw the article," Dan mentions off-handedly. Rufus cringes, that damn article has penetrated all five boroughs of New York City. He wishes that whoever wrote it would have just buried the story for the time being. Although, what Rufus is hoping for is ridiculous, a juicy scandal would mean major profit for the _New York Times. _

"God…you saw that too? Needless to say, Lily isn't handling the article well." Jenny and Dan furrow their eyebrows at their father's comment, wondering why their father is here instead of controlling the fallout with Lily.

"So…you are here by yourself because…?" Dan inquires. Rufus rubs his face in his hands, trying to think of a plausible excuse that pacifies his children without giving too many details about his fight with Lily. He takes full responsibility for hiding the article from her, but Lily needs to understand that he did it to protect her, not because he wanted to keep a secret from her.

"I…uh…thought I was doing the right thing by not showing Lily that stupid article, but she found it…and um…now I'm here." Rufus trails off, editing out the part where Lily told him to leave because it's rather obvious. He can see the disapproval tucked into Dan and Jenny's features and sighs. Rufus doesn't need his children to tell him how much he messed up, he is frighteningly aware.

Back at the penthouse, Lily finally builds up the courage to pick herself up off the floor. She needs to take the medication she has been neglecting for the past twenty four hours; the throbbing in her back is reaching an almost unbearable level. Lily stumbles into the bathroom, touching her fingertips to the inner corner of her eyes, collecting tears. She avoids looking at herself in the mirror while she fumbles around in the medicine cabinet.

The orange bottle jingles with the pills that Lily has yet to take. She unscrews the bottle and drops the capsule onto her hand, swinging around to locate a glass for water. Lily catches a glance of herself in the mirror, shuddering at what she sees. Her eyes are puffy and scarlet as is her nose. Black mascara lines streak down her cheeks. Lily tilts her head to the side, palpating the plum fading into goldenrod bruises marring her skin. Another pair of tears barrel down her cheek, one hitting the top of her shoulder; the other arcing and coming to a stop at the split in her lips.

All of the sudden, Lily senses this overwhelming anger wash over her. She doesn't look or feel like herself and it's not fair. Lily couldn't imagine what she did to deserve Jack raping her, but she wish she knew. Rage slices through her, making Lily yank the mirror off of the wall and whip the mirror in the bathtub; watching the glass splinter off into several different directions. She jumps at the sound it makes and backs away from the bath, wondering why she just did that. Lily quickly swallows double the dosage of her pain medication, washing it down with some water.

She doesn't want to stay here, in the penthouse, by herself. Although, with that hurtful article being published, Lily isn't sure if it's safe to leave the apartment complex. She doesn't know what she would do if she were to stay here, feeling suffocated by her own thoughts. Lily needs to leave, even if she doesn't have a destination in mind. She quickly slips on some black flats and heads downstairs. Lily spots the Jack Daniels she was drinking earlier still idling on the counter. She swipes it, not caring that she drank herself into a stupor earlier. Lily runs some water over her face in an attempt to eliminate all traces of her tears. She takes the elevator down to the lobby, bypassing Vanya on her way out.

Serena ends up leaving Blair's earlier than she intended. She was trying to gossip with her best friend about how her and Dan are doing post-breakup, but she couldn't focus. Her mind kept drifting to Lily, pondering how her mother is coping with the release of that damaging article. Finally, after about the fifth time Blair called her name to recapture her attention, Serena told her friend that she needed to be at home. Blair understood of course, her best friend read the article too.

"Mom, Rufus, I'm home," Serena calls out in the living room. The blonde furrows her eyebrows and runs upstairs, thinking that her mother went to lie down again. The master bedroom is empty, but the room itself is a mess. Serena walks over to the other side of the bed, seeing the torn-up article scattered on the carpeting. She goes into the bathroom, on the off-chance that Lily is hiding in there.

"Mom…?" Serena asks and pushes open the bathroom door. Her mouth flies open when Serena discovers the fragmented ruins of the mirror in the bathtub. Serena reaches for her phone in her purse, frantically dialing Rufus.

Rufus is sipping on a beer while playing catch-up with his kids. His phone that is sitting in his pocket rings, causing Rufus to contort his body in an effort to dig it out of his pants.

"Serena, hi…" Rufus is nervous, he doesn't want to hear Lily's daughter yelling at him for what he did to her mother.

"Is my mother with you?" That question makes Rufus still for the briefest moment until he rockets to his feet and starts searching for his coat.

"No, when I left the penthouse she was still there, why?" Serena runs downstairs to grab her coat while balancing the phone on her shoulder.

"I just got home a couple minutes ago and she is gone." _Oh God…_Rufus thinks to himself and opens the loft door, waving to his kids over his shoulder.

"What do you mean she's gone? Have you tried to call her?" Rufus doubts that Lily has her cell phone on and with her, but it's worth a shot.

"Her phone is turned off…Rufus…she broke the bathroom mirror…" Serena can hear a loud, disheartening sigh on the other end of the phone. They both don't need to relay the implications of Lily walking around in the rain to each other.

"Okay…shit…I will be there as soon as possible. Serena, just start looking for her. Ask Vanya if he has seen her." Rufus hails a taxi, telling the driver to drive to Manhattan as fast as possible.

Lily is making her way towards Fifth Avenue just as the rain starts hitting the sidewalks. She narrowly avoided an encounter with the paparazzi, but luckily, Vanya was able to fight them off. Lily slipped past them, keeping her head down. She twirls off the cap off of Jack Daniels, touching the rim to her lips. She is ecstatic that she doesn't really feel anything, just the warmth the alcohol provides. There is just enough left for a few more sips, Lily has to ration the bottle wisely. She doesn't meet the eyes of anyone strolling past; Lily doesn't want to be recognized by anyone when she is trying in vain to keep herself from unraveling.

Rufus has several blocks to go before he reaches Manhattan. He shudders at the intensity of the rain; Lily is most likely walking around alone, without an umbrella or jacket. He has to find her and apologize so they can get her the help she so desperately needs.

Serena is speed-walking through the sidewalks in her neighborhood, looking for any blonde woman that resembles her mother. A camera got in her way, the man behind it yelling questions about Lily in her direction. Serena angrily replied no comment and forced her way through them. She doesn't have time to offer a motivating sound-bite to the press right now; the need to locate her mother overrules that.

Lily swallows the last of the whiskey and tosses it over her shoulder, not even flinching at the sound it makes when it shatters on the concrete. She glances up for the briefest moment, trying to get a sense of where she is. The heavy sheath of rain is obstructing her view for the most part, but Lily is able to make out the faintest letter on the sign above her. She tucks her matted hair behind her ear and keeps on walking.

Serena pops open her umbrella and ducks under an awning to see if she can get a better vantage point. She doesn't know how much of a lead Lily had on her, or her mother's anticipated destination.

Rufus spots a woman that resembles Lily remarkably a couple blocks down Fifth Avenue. He orders the taxi to pull over, not caring that they are in the middle lane. The driver is adamant that he will drive further up the street and then turn around, but Rufus isn't having it. Now that he is sure that the blonde he saw is Lily, he would like to exit the cab.

"Lily!" Rufus calls as he closes the door to the cab. It's now pouring, the droplets coming down like little pellets. Lily hears Rufus' voice from across the street and is gravitated towards it. For a moment, she is able to forget about him hiding the article from her. He is her safety net and security blanket no matter what happens between them. The taxi speeds away, leaving Rufus and Lily staring at each other on opposite ends of the street.

Without any warning, Lily steps off the sidewalk in an attempt to cross the street. A taxi is barreling down the road in the lane closest to where Lily is standing. Lily turns and screams, closing her eyes, ready to absorb the impact of the taxi crashing into her. From the sidewalk, Rufus watches in horror as the taxi nearly collides with his girlfriend. Lily knows better than to rush out onto a street in New York City. Taxis will not stop unless they have a legitimate reason to. Fortunately, the cab driver's reactions are swift, slamming on his brakes and only bumping into Lily at a much slower speed.

Lily pops open one eye, wondering why she isn't lying on the road, her legs twisted into pretzel-like folds. She sobers up immediately, realizing how horrifying her actions have been over the past hour. The reality that she could have killed herself by walking in front of traffic is now sinking in. This time, Lily waits for a red light before she zooms across the street, meeting Rufus on the other side.

"Oh…Lil, you scared me, come on, let's get you home." Rufus wraps an arm around Lily, who is now trembling. The rain has soaked through her clothes and the potent smell of alcohol is wafting off of her, again.

Lily nods, her tears combining with the rain. She is freezing, the few sips of alcohol she had have worn off. Rufus hails a cab for them, taking them back to the penthouse. He shifts in his seat, cupping her cheek and kissing her temple.

"You okay?" Rufus asks, referring to her near brush with death and not everything that caused it. Lily bites her lip, leaning into him without giving an answer. Rufus dials Serena while coiling his arm around Lily.

"Hey Rufus, I can't find my mom anywhere," Serena says worriedly. Lily hears her daughter's voice and puts her hand over her forehead. She didn't think her children would ever find about this.

"I got her Serena; we will meet you back at the penthouse." Rufus hangs up the phone and turns his attention back to Lily. She looks shaken up, which is to be expected given what just happened. The anger has dissipated from her face, replaced with shock and embarrassment. Rufus doesn't understand what Lily was doing out there by herself and it seems like she really doesn't know either.

The taxi ride back to the apartment is short, which surprises Lily. She thought she was outside a lot longer given how soaked her clothing and hair is. From outside the taxi, Rufus and Lily can hear shouting accompanied by the sound of camera flashes. Lily tucks her head in Rufus' jacket, not wanting to have her picture taken in her current state. Rufus motions for Vanya to come and rescue them, hoping that the doorman understands that Lily doesn't want to be photographed. Vanya receives the message and pushes his way through, opening the cab door for them.

Rufus gets out first, ignoring all the camera clicks and questions that are thrown in his direction. He holds his hand out for Lily, seeing the hesitation seep into the worry lines of her face. Of course Rufus sympathizes with her, knowing that she didn't ask for this kind of attention. Nevertheless, they can't stay hidden in this taxi forever.

"Come on honey," Rufus coaxes, a reassuring smile slipping onto his lips. Lily clutches his hand, pulling herself up and out of the cab.

_"Mrs. Bass…over here!" "Come on Lily; give us a small smile for the cameras!""Anything you want to say about the accusation that you seduced him?" "Can you comment on Jack Bass' release from jail tomorrow?" _

Lily hears that question and stops moving, turning her head to try and locate the voice. Rufus stops with her, rubbing her back and gently nudging her towards the door. Lily glances up at Rufus, opening her mouth and then shutting it right away. She pivots on her heels, following Vanya into the building with Rufus trailing closely behind her.

"It didn't say anything in that article about Jack being released from jail!" Lily exclaims once they are inside and away from the press. Rufus is quite confident that whoever said that was making it up, there is no way the NYPD would release Jack on bail…right? He reminds himself to contact the police department again just to confirm.

"Lil, it's okay, you know how those people are; they were just trying to get a reaction out of you." Rufus has never had to deal with a media circus of this proportion until he started dating Lily. It sounds naïve now, but Rufus didn't think Lily's rape would attract this much attention, but it makes sense because of who she is and the fact that Jack is related to both her and Bart.

Lily shakes it off, the need to change into warmer clothes overrides her mild concern about what is sure to be a fabricated story. She lets Rufus grasp onto her hand, tugging on it to lead her to the elevators. Her eyes avert his concerned gaze; she realizes how badly her little stroll through Manhattan during a thunderstorm looks to Rufus. She is curious as to what he is going to say when he discovers the broken mirror in her bathroom.

They step off the elevator, meeting Serena in the living room. Relief sweeps over the teenager's face, thrilled that Lily made it back to the penthouse in one piece.

"Hey mom, you are all wet," Serena comments with a tiny giggle, trying to play off the seriousness of the situation.

"I'm going to go get changed," Lily brushes her hand against Serena's arm as she is walking by. Serena furrows her eyebrows and Rufus shrugs, letting the teenager know that he will talk to Lily.

Lily walks into her room, glancing around at the tattered remains of the newspaper she tore up earlier. She deeply swallows, blushing at the leftovers from her outburst. Rufus rests his hand on her back, communicating to her that he isn't ashamed of what she did.

"Do you want to take a shower? It might help you warm up," Rufus suggests, not knowing that the tub is filled with shards of glass.

"Um…that might not be possible," Lily mumbles, her cheeks turning a darker shade of crimson. Rufus furrows his eyebrows and Lily snags his hand, bringing him into the bathroom. His eyes widen at the empty space on the wall where the mirror used to be. He can't believe Lily was strong enough to pull the mirror off the wall by herself.

"Lil, where's the mirror?" Lily points to the bathtub, causing Rufus to turn around to look. "Oh…you couldn't have just gently tossed it onto the carpet?"

"I was in a mood," Lily quips and manages a half-smile. Rufus chuckles and exits the bathroom; he doesn't want to waste time digging out glass from the bathtub.

Lily exits the bathroom, searching for the coziest and warmest clothes she can find. She slowly changes into a pair of baby blue fleece pants with a black long sleeve. Rufus assists when she lets him, only needing help with easing the shirt over her head. They sit down on the edge of her bed, another uncomfortable silence rippling through the air.

Rufus is struggling with how to bring up what Lily just did to herself. It's a fine line between empathizing with her and talking to her like she just experienced a mental breakdown. In some ways, she did, but treating her that way won't help the situation. It would only make Lily even more embarrassed and reluctant to open up about how she is feeling.

To his surprise, Lily is the first to start the dialogue, beginning with an apology for snapping at him.

"I'm sorry Rufus…about kicking you out…I…um…shouldn't have done that." Rufus isn't used to this Lily, the apologetic and remorseful one. Although he appreciates her apologizing, it isn't enough. He wants an explanation as to what is going on between them. If she wants him to stick by her side, he will, but she can't keep self-destructing.

"Why did you do it Lily?" Rufus is pushing her for an explanation with this because he honestly doesn't think he handled the situation completely wrong. Sure, he should have come to her with the article sooner rather than have her stumble upon it herself, but he was doing it to protect her. From the looks of things, Rufus should have hid the article better. Lily clears her throat, stealing some tears away from her cheek,

"I was so angry at you for hiding the article from me. I thought I deserved to know what the media was saying about the rape." Lily is right, but Rufus thinks it's a little deeper than that. During their brief argument, Lily accused him of making decisions for her. He has to a certain extent, but if she is holding a grudge against him for that, they need to discuss it.

"I'm sorry that I hid the article from you, that wasn't fair, I know that. I seriously was only thinking of your well-being." Lily tilts her head; the reason behind their fight is a simple one.

It's not totally about Rufus concealing the article and Lily being furious with him for hiding it; their viewpoints on her recovery process are different. She thinks that she is well enough to be making important decisions for herself, by herself, and he doesn't. Rufus is still stuck in that stage where he needs to protect her, which is sweet, but she has moved beyond that. Regardless, Rufus and Lily are two very stubborn people, for their relationship to thrive; they need to find their compromise on this issue.

Rufus bends his finger, placing it under her chin to force her to look at him. A soft smile ignites his lips,

"Sweetheart, I don't think you are weak in the slightest. In fact, I believe quite the opposite; you are the strongest person I know." A tear trickles down Lily's cheek; she finds truth in his words, knowing he wouldn't tell her that to appease her.

"Thank you Rufus, for everything you have done for me, I don't think I could've survived these past few days without you." Rufus loses his boyish grin; they were almost met with the alternative of what Lily is telling him.

"Lil…what the hell happened today?" He isn't asking out of frustration; simply pent-up exasperation. Rufus has been trying so hard to keep Lily together and today proved to him that he has been unsuccessful for the most part.

Lily's eyes shift down to her bedspread, her fingers sparing with the edges of the cloth. She can't express exactly what she was feeling; she just wanted to escape her problems for a while. 

"Um…I don't know…I…just fell apart…" Lily trails off, letting Rufus interpret that comment for himself. She realizes now that self-medicating with alcohol is not helping her self-destructive nature, but every time she wants to shut down, her first instinct is to reach for the bottle.

Rufus' stomach twists at her admission; Lily is a very put-together and in-control person. For her to admit to him that she simply let herself go doesn't sit well with him. He wants prevent Lily from doing something like this to herself again, but the reality is that he can't. Lily is a grown woman that can make her own choices; he is going to have to just let her. Rufus doesn't want to control her or tell her what she can and can't do because she won't listen to him anyway.

"Lil…I know you don't want to and I'm not forcing you to, but do you honestly think that seeing someone is a bad idea?" Rufus was going to wait until she brought up the topic again since she made it abundantly clear that she wasn't open to the idea, but her pilgrimage out during a thunderstorm has changed things. Lily bites on her bottom lip, contemplating the idea more now instead of dismissing it like she did earlier today.

"_If _I do see a therapist and I'm not saying I will, you have to let me do this my way. I am just asking for you to support me no matter what I choose." Rufus sighs, Lily isn't one hundred percent for the idea, but at least she isn't getting angry at him for suggesting it like she did previously.

"Of course I will baby, I do love you, you know." Lily winces, remembering what she said to him in the midst of their disagreement. She timidly reaches out to touch his cheek, her hand still quivering slightly.

"I know…I love you too," She whispers, gliding her thumb over the crow's feet crinkling together when he smiles.

Rufus wants this issue between them to be settled because without doing that, there is no chance in hell that they are going to make it.

"Lil, should we make a deal?" Lily quirks an eyebrow, wondering what Rufus is referring to.

"A deal about what?" She hopes he still isn't pushing the therapy on her; she really wants to think about going before she agrees to.

"Us, I want to find a way for this," he pauses to motion between the two of them, "to work. How about I leave you to make all the decisions as long as you are honest with me and yourself about how you feel about them?"

Lily takes a second to ponder what Rufus is offering, it sounds reasonable to her.

"Okay…I will agree to that on one condition; I want your opinion too. I value your input Rufus; I just don't like it when you make choices without talking to me first. As much as I like it when you do things to protect me, I am not a child. I don't need to be coddled; otherwise I don't think I will ever be able to get better."

Rufus nods, what Lily is proposing sounds fair to him. He drapes an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him so he can brush a kiss to her hair.

Lily wishes that she could explain to Rufus why she doesn't want to see a therapist, but he will simply tell her what she wants to hear. Part of the reason she doesn't want to go is because of what she told Rufus, she has doubts on whether it will actually help, but that's not the whole reason. Mostly, it has to deal with her perception of therapy. She feels like if she consults someone, it means that she is too weak to deal with her problems on her own. Until she overcomes that barrier that she set for herself, then Lily sees therapy as a waste of time.

Rufus sees Lily drift off, wondering what she is thinking about. He doesn't know what their next step is. Ever since Friday night, he hasn't bothered to make plans because Jack Bass disrupted them when he raped Lily and now they simply just live day by day.

"Lil, what are we going to do about dinner? Are you hungry?" Rufus is concerned; Lily was drinking and taking her medication on an empty stomach. Lily shrugs, she hasn't really thought about eating, but she is actually hungry for once.

"Oh…yeah, I can eat…what are we having?" Rufus shrugs, Lily isn't going to like what she has to say.

"Well…I hate to say this Lil, but unless you want three day old Chinese leftovers, you don't have any food in the house." Lily purses her lips; the idea of going out for dinner is frightening to her. Rufus understands her trepidation about being in public with the article fresh in everyone's minds, but she isn't doing it alone, he will be right beside her.

"Um…okay…I guess that means we have to go out."

"We can go wherever you want or we can order in." Lily contemplates Rufus' offer, ordering pizza sounds so tempting, but being afraid to step outside your door is not a way to live. She needs to confront this fear or it's going to eat away at her. Lily usually doesn't care about what other people think of her, as shown by introducing Rufus as her boyfriend at the opera on the heels of Bart's death. However, this is different, people dissecting her relationship with Rufus doesn't matter to her as much as them judging her for what Jack did to her. Lily doesn't need their pity or criticism, she would rather everyone just stay out of her business.

"Um…I guess we can go out…" Lily says, her voice faltering ever-so-slightly. Rufus brightens; it's therapeutic for her to want to venture out into the public, knowing how it could potentially backfire.

"That's great Lil! We don't have to go far, I'm sure we can find something close to the penthouse. Do you want to change?" Rufus is acting a little too over-enthusiastic about going out to dinner, but he thought he lost her today for good. He knows how hard she is trying to achieve some form of normalcy.

"Yeah…I'll go get dressed," Lily leaves Rufus on her bed to rummage through her closet, coming back with another turtleneck, this one being a navy blue. He swallows a comment, it's not necessary to reassure her that nobody will stare at her; they both realize that would be a lie.

He assists her in getting dressed; hopefully this will be one of the last few times Rufus has to do this. Of course he doesn't mind, but he hates seeing Lily in this much pain.

"Should we invite the kids?" Rufus asks, wanting to see if they can bring along Serena and Eric for extra reinforcements. Lily shrugs, she isn't sure if her children are still here or even want to go out to dinner with her and Rufus. Serena probably is wondering about Lily's little adventure out in the rain today, which she really doesn't want to talk about. Lily would rather put that behind her, just like everything that has occurred since Friday night.

"Okay…I'm not sure they would want to come," Lily says with hesitation. Rufus twines their fingers together, bringing Lily downstairs and into the kitchen. Serena is munching on some grapes, chatting with Eric who just got back from his boyfriend's.

"Hey mom, Rufus, where are you going?" Serena asks, noticing Lily reaching for her purse.

"We are going out to dinner; would you like to come with?" Rufus asks, throwing a wink in Lily's direction. The children agree immediately, partly because they want to support their mother and because they are curious as to how this is going to go.

Serena suggests an Italian bistro a block from the penthouse and Eric, Lily and Rufus are indifferent. They are seated and given menus with the promise that a waiter will be with them momentarily. Lily shifts uncomfortably in her seat, recognizing some women in her social circle dining a few tables over. Rufus sees Lily stands her menu up on the table, purposely blocking her face. Serena and Eric turn their shoulder, sneering at the women gossiping about their mother.

"Just say the word honey…" Rufus mumbles, suppressing the urge to show these women his middle finger. He is curious as to why Lily's supposed friends aren't rallying around her side, but rather, talking behind her back and pointing at her like she is some exhibit at the zoo.

"I'm fine," Lily says back, desperately trying to concentrate on the menu rather than the intensity of their stares. She is glad that she chose to wear something that covered all of her abrasions, knowing that it would only give these women more ammunition against her.

The waiter comes by to collect their drink orders and Lily insists that they order their food right away; she wants to vacate this restaurant as soon as possible. She was stupid to think that these women would take the moral high ground on this; her being raped by her former brother-in-law is just the kind of scandal the Upper East Side was longing for.

Their orders are dropped off at the table and then the waiter vanishes after making sure everyone is satisfied with their meals. Lily's ears perk up at the mention of her name and forcibly swallow her bite of lasagna. She glances over at Rufus who hears it too, twisting his head to glare at the women at the other table.

"Don't worry mom, Blair has dirt on every single one of them," Serena says to her mother, a playful grin sweeping across her lips. Lily manages a tiny stretch of her lips and stabs into her next bite of food with a fork.

Their meal gets interrupted about halfway through by the same women who have been making Lily's rape the topic of their latest pow-wow. Lily heavily sighs, hoping that they could have just walked right on by without acknowledging her, but that would have been too boring. Rufus puts a hand on her knee, silently telling her that he will go up to bat for her so she doesn't have to say a word.

"Lily, we were just wondering how you were doing," An older blonde says to her. Lily double blinks, she wasn't expecting honest concern to come out of this woman's mouth; they haven't exactly been cordial to each other in the past.

"Oh…um…I am doing just fine Lucy, thank you," Lily politely mutters, wishing that these women would just go about their way. They don't need to do this right now, especially when their interaction is so meaningless.

"We read in the newspaper about what happened it was so nice of the _Times _to leave your name out of it so other people don't know it was you." A petite brunette Lily recognizes from the Bass board pipes up from behind Lucy.

"Yeah…I'll be sure to send them a thank you note," Lily says, her voice thick with sarcasm. She has some choice words for the newspaper, but none of them are kind. Page Six pried into her private life, something Lily has been guarding fiercely ever since Bart's death. Rufus coughs into his napkin to cover his laughter. Serena and Eric glance at each other, tipping their head down to conceal their grins.

Anne Archibald picks up on Lily's condescending tone and stands up a little taller. Lily nibbles on the inside of her cheek, mentally preparing herself for an icy comment from the elder woman.

"Well Lily…I would be a little more grateful if I were you, Page Six actually saved you the embarrassment of having to explain yourself…" Anne turns on her heels, relishing in the shocked expression on Lily and Rufus' face. She glances back over her shoulder, "Oh, and you might want to pull your turtleneck up a little higher, your bruises are showing." The three women walk past their table without another word. Eric shoves his leg out from under the table, purposely tripping Anne for what she said to Lily. Serena is already on her phone, instructing Blair to leak whatever she has on these women to Gossip Girl.

Lily's cheeks flash a dark scarlet as her eyes become shiny with tears. Rufus rests his hand on her shoulder, realizing that this was the exact thing she was trying to avoid. Lily ducks her head down, covering her face with her hands.

"Lil…" Lily backs up her chair, needing to leave the table to search for a place to hide in.

"I'm okay," Lily whispers, placing her hand on his arm before making a hasty run for the bathroom. Rufus bites his lip and slaps down his credit card on the table,

"When the waiter comes back, get the check," he instructs the kids. He feels horrible for convincing her that going out to dinner was a good idea, but he didn't prepare himself for Lily's supposed friends to turn her rape around, blaming her for the crime instead of defending her.

"Sure, go check on mom," Eric says to Rufus who gets up and goes into the women's bathroom, not caring if there are any other women in there.

When Rufus enters, Lily is standing against the wall, one arm slung over her abdomen, the other covering her mouth. She is sobbing quietly into her hand and attempting to not look at herself in the mirror.

Rufus knows that under any other circumstances Lily would have witty comment to throw back at Anne, showing her and the other women that she is unaffected by their criticism. Right now though, Lily is still reeling from her rape and is too vulnerable to attacks from these miserable society women.

"Sweetheart…" Rufus slips his hand into hers, gliding his thumb over her knuckles. Lily shakes her head, clearing her throat so she is able to talk.

"I'm sorry that I ruined dinner," She whispers, gliding the back of her finger over her cheeks. Rufus steps closer to her, gathering her in a hug.

"You didn't ruin anything Lil," He rests his chin on top of her head, gliding his hand down her spine. Lily dives head first into his chest, her tears absorbing into his shirt. Rufus knows better than anyone how much of an impossible day this has been for her. Lily has spent the majority of today treading water, trying desperately not to drown in misery.

Lily takes a shaky breath in, trying to ebb the flow of tears racing down her cheeks and regulate her breathing. She can't keep having breakdowns in public bathrooms; she has to get a better grip on herself.

"I-I-I…feel so ashamed…" She sobs, clinging to his t-shirt. Rufus cards his hands through her silky blonde tresses; he needs to put a stop to this line of thinking immediately. He grips her shoulders, prying her away from him to capture her full attention.

"Lily, I want you to listen to me okay? What Jack did to you is absolutely one hundred percent, not your fault in any sort of way. Those…_women…_are just disgusting…and have no sense of decency."

"Rufus…I think that…I need, no, I _want_, help…" Lily whispers, glancing up at him to see his reaction. She has been mulling it over all day, but her dissolving into tears at somebody judging her about the rape only cemented her theory. Lily is finally admitting that she can't recover on her own; it has been too much for her. She doesn't want to go to therapy, but the thought of feeling so lost and out of control overrules that.

Rufus' lips stretch into a smile and he presses a kiss to Lily's forehead. He knew that pushing her into going to therapy wasn't going to work; she had to want it on her own. He is sorry that it took something like this for her to admit that she should attend sessions, but at least she is willing to go.

"Okay, we can figure all that out tomorrow. For now, can I take you back home?" Lily wants nothing more to just be home, away from society. She will exact her revenge on Anne Archibald at a later date. Right now, Lily has to focus on fixing herself.

"Please…let's just go," Lily reaches for some paper towels to rub away the mascara she put on earlier. She grimaces at the sight of herself in the mirror, although the blotchy redness and puffy eyes has been a trademark the past few days. Lily has cried more since Friday night than she has in her entire life.

Lily throws some water over her face in an attempt to lessen the damage crying has done to her face. Rufus tugs on her hand, communicating with her that there is no need; she still looks beautiful to him. She frowns and blows her nose, tossing the paper towel in the garbage on her way out.

"You ready Lil?" Rufus walks out first, peering around the restaurant to make sure that nobody else will approach them. Lily ducks behind him, concealing herself from passer-by's. Serena and Eric already have their coats on, having predicted that their mother will want to exit this restaurant after she has returned from the bathroom.

The short walk back to the penthouse is mostly done in silence. Lily keeps scanning the perimeter, hoping like hell that no paparazzi intrude on their evening. She has had enough scrutiny for the day and would just like to be left alone. Vanya fends off a few cameras so they can make a safe entrance into the apartment building. Lily is fidgeting on the elevator ride up, clutching onto the material of Rufus' coat. All she wants to do is go to bed, but unfortunately, she knows that the nightmares will more than likely disrupt her sleep.

"We're home Lil," Rufus whispers, hoping that will at least calm her down a little. She is a bundle of nerves ever since that disastrous encounter at the restaurant. Rufus is well aware that she will not want to leave the penthouse any time soon after the dinner they just experienced. His job is to convince her that eventually there will be something new for the Upper East Side to chew on and they will get bored of her.

Lily lets out a deep breath, she feels safe here, amongst her things. She is grateful that Rufus has agreed to stay another night with her. A part of her believes that even if he didn't, she would be calling him late at night to come back anyway. She needs him here with her, especially today and she's is glad that he picks up on that without any explanation.

"I left something at Blair's, I'll be back later," Serena says and hops in the elevator. Eric goes into his room, leaving Rufus and Lily by themselves.

"Well…we have a couple hours to kill, what do you want to do?" Rufus is assuming that Lily wants to prolong sleeping for the time being, which is understandable.

"I really want to take a shower, but there is glass everywhere," Lily mumbles and glances down at the floor. Rufus uses his finger to bring her chin up, locking eyes with her.

"Lil…we can clean it up, it's not a big deal."

Together, they go upstairs and attempt to remove all of the glass that they can with their hands. Rufus cuts himself on a jagged piece of glass, drawing blood on his hand. Guilt immediately washes over Lily and she snags his hand.

"Rufus, I am so sorry, here," Lily yanks on his bloody hand, bringing him over to the sink so she can wash it.

"Lil…hey…Lily, it's not your fault," He sees a tear slide down her cheek and makes the connection. She was the one who threw the glass that cut his hand; naturally she is remorseful about it.

"I…I'm sorry…I don't know what's wrong with me," Lily admits, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"You have had a horrible day and I am mostly to blame for it, tomorrow will be better, I promise," Rufus assures her. Lily nods and bandages the injured appendage, turning away from him to collect herself.

"I can't keep having days like this Rufus, I don't know how much more of this I can take." Rufus nods with sympathy,

"I know honey, but hopefully once you start going to therapy, it will help a little." He glances down at his hand, noticing that she has hers wrapped up from an earlier incident as well. "Hey Lil?"

"Hmmm…?" Lily turns back around, curious as to why Rufus is smirking.

"We match," Rufus holds up his hand to show her. Lily laughs just the slightest bit; he always has a way of cheering her up.

"I guess we do…let's just leave the glass for now, I'll take my shower in Serena's bathroom." Lily abandons the project; she thinks that there are several pieces of glass that they fail to see. She really wants to avoid getting shards embedded in her feet.

Lily grabs her pajamas and heads downstairs to her daughter's bedroom. Rufus is wondering whether he should go with her, but she tells him that she wants to see if she can do this on her own. He stays in her bedroom, getting dressed in some pajamas from his bag of clothes he brought.

She lets herself fall apart in the shower. Lily has so many emotions that she doesn't know how to express, that they come out in waves. First she was angry, then sad, and finally hopeless. She realizes that it's a process, but there has to come a point where she is able to feel something other than self-hatred and despair.

Rufus is waiting; he has been so used to being by Lily's side over the course of the past few days that he doesn't know what to do without her. He feels that he should check on her, but he doesn't want to put pressure on her. It's simply her taking a shower by herself, she can handle it, nothing will happen to her.

His cell phone that is resting on the nightstand rings, causing Rufus to rush over to it. He wants to make sure that neither Dan nor Jenny needs something from him. However, Rufus doesn't recognize the number, but he picks up anyway.

"Hello, this is Rufus Humphrey," Rufus says and sits down on Lily's bed, readjusting the pillows.

"Hi this is Officer Jones, please hold for Detective Nolan." Rufus almost forgot that he called the department earlier and left a message for the detective. He was a little rattled by the press' comment about Jack being released and he wanted to follow up with Nolan to confirm that it was just talk.

"This is Detective Nolan," The detective gruff voice sounds exhausted over the phone.

"Hi detective, I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Rufus Humphrey, I was at the precinct with my girlfriend Lily. She was giving a statement about her rape to you." There is a pause, the length of hiccup before Detective Nolan is able to place the couple.

"Oh…right…that's right, what can I do for you Mr. Humphrey?"

"Um…well, this might sound a little weird, but I heard that there was a possibility that Jack Bass was being released tomorrow and I just wanted to hear it from you that this is not going to happen." Hearing nothing on the other end has Rufus extremely anxious. They seriously aren't considering letting Jack go, right?

"There is an arraignment scheduled tomorrow morning where the judge will decide if Mr. Bass gets to post bail or not." Rufus doesn't know what an arraignment is, but it sounds like there is a slight chance that Jack could walk tomorrow.

"How could you let this happen? He raped her!" Rufus exclaims.

"I understand that Mr. Humphrey, but there is a system in place for a reason. Taking into account the fact that this is Mr. Bass' first crime and he has the money to match any bail that the judge sets, he might be able to leave tomorrow."

Rufus can't believe what he is hearing, the police are supposed to be protecting Lily from Jack, not giving him free reign to do whatever he wants until the trial starts. From what it sounds like, Detective Nolan is optimistic that Jack will be able to be released tomorrow after whatever sort of hearing he has.

"So…what does this mean for Lily?" The silence passed between the two men speaks volumes to Rufus.

"Honestly, if Jack Bass is set free, I can no longer guarantee Lily's safety."

**A/N: So, this is where I leave you today. I have a few questions for you guys though; should Jack be released from jail or is it too soon? And, am I letting CeCe but her way into this story or not? Next chapter, Lily goes to therapy which isn't going to go over very well at first. Thanks for reading and please share your thoughts on the way out. Until next time! **


End file.
